Have I got it wrong or SIL

Spot on.

I also note with the OP post I just quoted, you mention things should be about the child and not the adult, but then go on to say why living to a strict routine benefits YOU. Nothing wrong with that at all, btw.

I really don’t see why times have to be specific. If it works for you that’s great! Crack on. But, like adults, my children often want to eat at different times and sleep at different times to suit what’s going on with their bodies and environment? I feed my children when they’re hungry, and they sleep when they’re tired. I don’t really care what the clock says.

EG if they’ve had a very active day they will want to go to bed earlier than if it’s been a lazy day. Same for if it’s been a hot day. My children tend to eat less when they’re warm, but drink more. Sometimes they don’t feel hungry at lunch so don’t eat much, so then dinner is often 1-2 hours earlier than it might otherwise have been. I cannot imagine letting a clock dictate these things - I also think it’s fine to do that if it works for you, I am just saying that your way is not the only way.

This ⬆️ And why does it matter anyway? You do you. They do them. 🤷‍♀️

( @FamilyPhoto )
How about this.
You parent your DC your way.
Your SIL can parent her DC her way.

If only it was so simple.

I've got a feeling the conversation goes something like this:
SIL: let's take the kids to the park/beach/play area
OP: sure, but it will have to be this afternoon, I have to feed mine and then they'll need their nap - say 3pm?
SIL: I think you could relax a little about those routines of yours

It also depends on the DC though, doesn’t it? I had friends who didn’t change their lifestyle when they had DC - because their DCs were pretty easy babies who adapted quickly to life outside the womb, fed well, slept well, and were perfectly content doing whatever their parents wanted while in a sling/buggy as long as basic needs were being met.

Try doing that with a hypersensitive reflux-y vomiter or the kind of baby who gets massively overtired but WILL NOT give in and sleep. That city break to Rome looks a bit less appealing, doesn’t it? I honestly didn’t realise how much I’d have to adapt the parent I planned to be to the DC I got, because my initial preference just wouldn’t work for them.

I like you…. The world will be a better place if there were more like you…

Little children going to sleep at 11.00 pm and waking up at 8.00 am is not even sleep for a 2 or 3 years old. Your SIL could do with more structure with her DC.

You say here it's not about what the parents want but then go in to say they need routine because YOU are managing them alone and YOU want to avoid meltdowns to enjoy the day. Do you not see here you are doing what will benefit you, what will give you the easiest day. Which is fine, but you need to accept that other parents and other children will want and need different things to you. Not all families want a strict routine, some manage better with more flexibility.

Wouldn’t happen though - neither of my SILs have told me I’m parenting wrong and I’ve not told them that either! We don’t parent exactly the same but we all accept that and don’t get offended when others do things differently.

I’ve been taking dd on holiday a few times a year since she was a few months old. Had a routine (not overly rigid) but never stuck to it on holiday. She would have daytime naps in her buggy while we were out and about or at the pool. Sometimes two naps which meant a later bedtime. Again we’d put her to sleep in her buggy then transferred her to cot/ bed later that night. Never had any issue clicking back to normal routine at home.

But that is the way your children behave. I never had a routine and there were no tears and tantrums. I was a single parent working full time so there was no way I could work around DD, she had to work around me and work. She was fine. Never had any issues with changes to meal or bed times. You are doing what you do to keep your children on an even keel. And that’s fine. Your SIL isn’t wrong. Neither are you. But it is very hard when you have a guest that won’t budge on routines. Maybe your SIL was frustrated with your attitude?

when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times

Interestingly you came on here asking a question, but you completely and unhesitatingly reject any view different from your own.

Children only need routines if you teach them to need them - which is what you have done with your children, because you find it easier for YOU .

If you don't impose routines on them in the first place they will eat when they need to and sleep when they need to - which might not be convenient for you because you find the routine easier to manage.

I'm not suggesting you are wrong in your parenting style, but your blinkered view that it is the only (and therefore the right) way to do it IS a problem.

@Ahsotired OK but that is YOUR belief and you can't expect everyone around you to fall in line with that.

You should focus on stopping the judgement -

"Parents need to change their lifestyle
Kids thrive on routine"

You sound like a rigid nightmare, honestly. Children are not copy paste. She does what works for her children. Focus on what you need to do for yours without judging or thinking you have some superior parenting philosophy.

Your need for routine, set nap times is YOUR view; it's not some holy grail of motherhood. It works for your family but there are other parents who have different views and other children who don't operate like yours do.

Next time when you visit just separate at the relevant times and do what you want to do for your children without judging someone else.

Were they really digs though, or more frustration because the family's activities were being restricted by your routines?

The problem is that your way requires everyone to be strait-jacketed into your routines.

None of the five billion people in Asia have routines for children? Gosh.

Well you're welcome to that belief, and clearly you make it work for you.

Personally, I believe that people who have overly strict routines for their baby/toddler are making a rod for their own back. It's the loss of any flexibility that is the problem, along with the inability to cope with changing circumstances.

I never had a fixed routine for my daughter and it was never a problem. It's not hard to feed a small child on the go, or arrange a makeshift sleeping space if needed.

Safe to say that you probably wouldn't be invited to stay for weeks at a time given that attitude.

One of my SILs thought I was a lazy bad and neglectful parent, the other thought I was an uptight control freak who was too PFB
So its all a matter of perspective really

I think everyone's different but yes, your SIL shouldn't have said anything about your style of parenting.
I didn't have mine in a set routine as I knew how much trouble it would be if one day we decided to be doing something different - such as a party, night out etc. I also made sure they didn't have 1 set teddy to sleep to - there was 3 or 4. Just in case one got lost.
This worked for me, yours works for you and your SIL's way works for her. If she says anything again just say you're glad she's happy and walk off.

It's up to each of you how to parent your own kids. Neither of you should comment on the other, job done.

Yes I imagine sister in law felt quite annoyed as well. They're a bit incompatible to spend a week on holiday together considering there's quite a drastic difference in parenting styles.

Me and my brother never had routine. Parents would make sure we went to bed at a decent time, but weren’t strict about it. Our parents trusted us a lot and because of that lack of pressure, we just got on with things. Homework always done, made own social plans. Parents went out a lot on weekends and went on their own holidays without us as well as with us (20% v 80% of the time). We very much fitted around their lives and they didn’t baby us. I think we were both much more confident and at ease around adults as a result.

You do what you want with your own kids, let her do what she wants with hers.

I think it's different when you have little children - for example, all preschool - and when you have older ones, primary-age and up. What older kids need is very different to what little ones need, and ime the little ones do just tend to slot in if you have to care for both at once - hoiked to classmates' parties over nap-time (with the hosts' permission before I get slammed for bringing 'unauthorised' siblings to parties 😂), sleeping in the car to and from days out, sneaking oreos and crisps on playdates that have been put out for the older ones.

It is a very different life being the toddler sibling of an older brother or sister than it is being a toddler in a household that revolves around tinies. It is much more exciting and colourful in many ways imo, but some of their "needs" do go by the wayside. My little one once fell asleep in a treehouse on a playdate with another family 😆.

That said, given that you were on your own with two children, including a tiny baby, I would have expected your DB and SIL to support you in doing whatever you felt was best to keep the kids happy and content so you could avoid stress and meltdowns where possible. For example, allowing you access to the kitchen to make meals for your kids at times that suited them.

People parent differently.
Different countries/cultures parent differently (eg Spain).
Different children have different needs. They definitely can “train” their parents - some can sleep through anything, others wake when a pin drops 3 rooms away. Some thrive on no sleep, others are a nightmare.

Of you are so different then I wouldn’t stay with her but book your own apartment or something.
And other parents make judgy comments because they feel threatened that maybe their way isn’t “best” or “the only way”.