Am I right to be angry that my husband called me a cunt?

He says I’m overreacting, - well he would wouldn't he ..........

For those arguing the toss about the word cunt, to me it’s the tone that matters. I use the word, my husband does, my sister is awful for it (it winds our mum up) and generally it’s fine because we don’t use it nastily to or about each other (possibly describing a stranger who’s actions deserved it is the closest to nasty). That said, my husband (who is a twat and hopefully STBXH) has called me a cunt in a really nasty way several times over the last 10 years - my self esteem was so low I couldn’t even see how awful it was, it’s only now I’m getting my anger over how he treats me and I realise that he must actually hate me, or just really enjoys hurting me with his words and gets a kick out of it.

In your situation, OP, it sounds nasty. If you had been together talking to the friend, and he’d said “god, you’re being a right miserable cunt tonight, lighten up” in a jokey way AND this is normal banter for you, that’s very different to a private text to a friend. Of course it wasn’t a joke. He’s saying that because you saw it. Don’t be me. Don’t stay with someone who thinks it’s ok to be awful to or about his wife. That said, if he’s genuinely apologetic and this is the only time, you could give him another chance. Forgive but don’t forget - any further signs of him trying to hurt you or disrespect you & it’s time to go. If you forgive every time, he’ll know he can do and say what he wants.

Would you be considering leaving him if he'd said you were being a 'miserable arsehole' or 'miserable cow' or something like that? Or is it just the word 'cunt' you have an issue with?

People have very different views about the word 'cunt'. I wouldn't have any stronger feelings about it than any other insult. I'd be hurt if my partner was messaging about me to his friends in that way, but I'd also accept that a) I wasn't meant to see the message and b) sometimes we all get irritated by our spouses and want let off steam privately about that, especially after a few drinks.

There are quite often threads on here with titles like 'AIBU to want to kill my DH for this?' and 'DH being a miserable arsehole on holiday, WWYD?' and I would probably just take your husband's message in the same spirit as that. But I'm not especially offended by the word 'cunt' in itself. If you are - which you're entitled to be, you feel how you feel - then obviously it's not something you can necessarily forgive. Especially given that your marriage is apparently struggling anyway.

Let’s be honest I think from time to time we’ve all called our partners miserable
as for using the word cunt it depends if it’s part of his normal vocabulary
as grim as it is some people use the word cunt at the drop of a hat there’s no real umph behind it it’s not been use as the ultimate insult

Vino veritas.

You need MN to validate your anger? Get your husband a mirror so he can see what a real cunt looks like.

Well some good has come off it. Op knows whats going on!

I think different people have different reaction to the word cunt. I use it fairly freely, and would potentially even call someone I cared about a cunt, either to their face or behind their back, in a way that made it clear I was joking. Any long term partner of mine would know this and wouldn't (I hope) regard it as the worst criticism in the world if, for example, I text a mate and said "BF is being a total cunt about about where we go on holiday" or something. For me it's not really any stronger than saying someone is pissing me off, getting on my tits etc.

On the other hand, I know some people regard it as an absolutely last line to cross - the strongest insult that could ever be used.

OP I assume saw the context of her fella's texts, and whether he was attempting to be light-hearted. She also knows whether he uses the word lightly or not.

Either way, OP you have already said the relationship is strained. It doesn't really matter what the rest of us would feel if our BFs called us a cunt. It matters what you feel. Only you fully understand your context.

@Moonnstars

Have you never had a moan about someone in your life and called then names?
I am sure most of us have had at some point called a partner, friend, family member something unpleasant if we have been annoyed with them. Most of us though have never been caught saying it though.

I use the word cunt freely towards people who I strongly dislike or who I think are morally bankrupt.

I have never used it about my partner, a member of my family or a friend. If my partner called me a cunt, either to my face or behind my back, I would leave them immediately.

Wow I didn't know how many MNetters hate the word cunt! My family are old timer cockneys and use that word on a daily, especially as a joke "aww yah stupid cunt", my uncle literally said to his brother over a silly game the other day and they both laughed. Like pp said, it's not the devil's word, it's just a word.

I'm pretty sure if your marriage is strained you have both been sounding off to people, I know I certainly do, and I couldn't then be annoyed with OH if she was mouthing off about me with a friend. People say things when they're upset, drunk, annoyed stressed. I told my mam my OH was being a miserable cow the other day, because she was.

Have a good talk with him about why he thought you were being miserable, maybe it's a miscommunication somewhere or he's just severely unhappy, like you by the sounds of it.

His reaction would annoy me just as much in the fact he has tried justifying his actions.

If he actually liked you, he would be grovelling and begging forgiveness!

I’d never be with anyone who used that word .

Have you never had a moan about someone in your life and called then names?
I am sure most of us have had at some point called a partner, friend, family member something unpleasant if we have been annoyed with them. Most of us though have never been caught saying it though.

You know not everyone believes the word cunt is the devils word right?

Christ 🙄

Good God the bar is low for some people. Have some self respect.

Dump him and tell his friends and family that it's because he's verbally abusive towards you.

@Hufflemuff It’s horrible that you not only think it’s ok to call your life partner a cunt, but that you actually let your weird thoughts win and posted it so we could see where your boundaries are (in the gutter).

I agree.

Spoiler alert... Yes, you're right to be angry.

It’s pretty sad that you think it’s acceptable for a man to call his wife a cunt.

OP have some self respect and end this relationship- because he sure as hell doesn’t respect you.

Were you being a miserable cunt though?

I know we are all blaming DH, but we dont know how the OP has been acting in the relationship. Sorry OP, we don't know the other side of the story.

Sorry but no good ever comes from snooping.
You say things aren't good between you - have you ever moaned to your friends to let off steam about him? As if so is this any different than you talking to your friends about your relationship.

Clearly though it sounds like you should move on.

I’ve put up with a lot from my DH, if he were to call me a cunt that would be the last straw. Drunk or not, the level of disrespect is appalling.

I wouldn't remain in a relationship with someone who had called me a cunt. Under any circumstances. "Banter" is the original get out of jail free when someone knows they've done something unbelievably offensive and can't row back from it. He doesn't like or respect you.

You know you have to get out of this. Only question is how you do it. Do you have children?