Visitors after birth

This.

I couldn't wait to have visits with mine but if your in laws are likely to impose, take over or expect to be waited upon then a hospital visit might be the solution.

I personally don't think it's great to stay isolated after the birth and can contribute to PND.

For me if was more to have someone hold my baby while I could rest. Or not have me constantly holding my baby on my painful stomach. Not doing my washing.

Oh and also bringing food or making food really helped.

You see I’m completely different
I couldn’t stand them being helpful. Faffing around trying to clean or load the washing machine would drive me crazy.
visit, chat and a cup of tea. Job done.

( of course I’m always up for anyone to do the weeding though 😄)

Say you want to see how the birth goes and you’re keeping an open mind until then, depending on how you feel.

I had 2 c sections and absolutely needed the physical help with rest to recover.

So if that is the case, then only invite them if they are going to be helpful. I found just sitting and chatting bloody exhausting.

Actually my MIL was awful but we still treated both families the same simply because they were the kids grandparents

If you just want you and your dh for a while that’s up to you

I wouldn’t start prioritising one family over the other though. When you’re ready just ask them all over.

Ours came a long way to visit but only stayed an hour or so after each pregnancy. I had a third degree tear with the first and a Caesarian with twins on the second and breastfed them all so it wasn’t an easy time of it but once they’ve visited it’s all done.
You're not expected to put on a big meal or even, as in my case, get off the sofa.

Back when mums stayed in hospital longer, it felt so much easier for everyone to meet the baby. You’d pop in, have a cuddle, say congratulations, and leave — no pressure to host, no awkward “should we help with the washing up?” moments. These days, it feels a lot more complicated.
For me, the biggest thing was doing what worked for us — especially for me as the mum. I’d just been through what’s basically major surgery, and I needed time to heal. Of course, it would have been lovely for the grandparents to meet the baby right away, but I just wasn’t ready for that.
We could have squeezed in a few short visits, but then you get into that awkward “who comes first?” situation. On top of that, I was trying to get breastfeeding going, and my baby was slow to gain weight, so I spent a lot of time topless doing skin-to-skin. In the end, we decided to ask everyone to wait — it felt fairer, and honestly, it took so much pressure off us.
Ultimately what is right/wrong is going to be personal to you, your partner and you family dynamic

It's very personal and related to your hormones. Some mums instinct is to nest & protect. Some are happy with wider family around them.

I know I wanted to rip the arms of anyone except dp, who came too close, in the first 10 days. After that, I calmed down and welcomed all comers for short visits.

See how you feel. Make sure dh backs you up. He should be your gatekeeper. If all else fails and people get too intrusive, take baby & retreat to your bed. Use a door wedge to keep them out if necessary. Some people have no manners so you have to be firm.

I had planned on getting few hours to myself and dh with baby but my mil and sil were waiting outside the maternity ward and waylaid me on my way back to my room. I remember being so annoyed and cross with them that they couldn't just wait a little. Dh hadn't even rung my parents at this stage. MIL just came to the hospital to see what was happening as she knew I was in all day already 🙄 32 years later it still annoys me 🙈

This is a tough one. I treat my parents and MIL equally (even though I am obviously more fond of my own!) but that’s because I have built such a close relationship with my MIL and I never want her to feel pushed out. She came venue hunting/wedding dress shopping with me and my mum too.

That said, I can totally understand why a woman would be happy to see her own parents, but not someone else’s when she’s just been ripped apart, is heavily bleeding, suffering post-contractions, establishing feeding etc.

I think with MIL and DIL relationships you get what you give. I imagine most women would welcome their MIL’s similarly to their own parents if MIL has been kind and welcoming to them. If they’ve been demanding, over bearing, critical, jealous etc then they might be less comfortable.

How far does MIL live from your home? If she’s going to need to stay the night/be catered for then a couple of weeks is more understandable. If she can conceivably pop by for an hour that’s better.

We didn’t set any expectations with DC1 because I didn’t know how I’d feel but I had both sets of parents round the next day after we’d got home from hospital. I was excited for them to meet DD.

With DC2 we had my parents come to the hospital which actually worked really well because it ticked that visit off the list, and it meant that when we got home we’d get valuable time with just us to properly introduce DD to her bother. My MIL was watching DD at our home so she met him when we got home, stayed a little while for a snuggle then left.

If I were you I’d just not tell anyone a time yet. If they ask, you can just say that you’ll see how you are feeling at the time.

I think a quick visit in the hospital can be quite good because it has rules around visiting and it's not set up for hosting long visits so people generally don't stay too long, where if you wait until you are home you have to be ready for visiting and some people stay a long time and expect to be served food and things.

I think the hospital is a great time to see relatives. I have always given them time to come about an hour before the end of visiting. I can't imagine holding my husband's family at arm's length even though I'm not particularly close to them. It's so exciting to share your baby with those you love. You'll have plenty of time together as a threesome. An hour with your parents or in-laws isn't much, as long as you aren't poorly.

If her husband's parents can wait then so can hers.

They aren't going anywhere either.

DH and I did our own thing together for a few days after DS was born and then went and visited parents and in-laws in our own time.

We didn’t make a big deal out of it with anyone really. We just met people over time as when convenient. I can’t recall anyone coming to our house though. We went and visited them.

Among my friends and family, no one has ever asked for anyone to wait. Once we’ve had the call or text to say everyone is safe and well, we visit, for close friends and family it’s been within hours or days of giving birth. That works for us. But it wouldn’t necessarily work for you. You do what works for you and don’t feel bad about it. Wishing you a smooth birth OP.

Oh well, that's your opinion.

It's far from a "power game". No new mother should feel obligated or forced into having visitors if she feels uncomfortable with them being there. They can wait to see the baby. They aren't going anywhere.

It’s really dependent on how you feel after. First time I felt too awful for a good few weeks for visitors, plus a prem baby. Second time I was happy to see visitors much sooner.

Far from 'completely fine', I think it's 'completely shit'.

Especially if the dad wants to show his baby to his parents too.

No wonder there are so many threads in Relationships about 'difficult inlaws', if they're treated like second best from the off.

The birth of a baby is no time for playing power games.

Any amount of time you feel you need is absolutely fine. All I'll say is stand firm! I wanted a few days with just me, DH and DD after the birth, but, when I floated this idea with MIL (no family my side) her reply was "you won't stop me coming" and low and behold, we didn't. She turned up to the house the day we got back from hospital. After a traumatic birth, birth Injuries and a hospital stay coupled with a poorly DD, I could of done without it and she really pissed on my chips. If it were now both me and DH would tell her to go away until she was invited but we were meek and mild 8 years ago!

Never crossed my mind to keep visitors away. DH spent his first lot of paternity leave baking cake. In laws visited us in hospital as soon as they could, within hours. My parents arrived the following day. Our first child, their first grandchild. Of course everyone was excited and keen to visit. Post partum haemorrhage , so not the most straightforward of births, but everyone - family and friends - was so excited for us. We were excited too and wanted just to share this magical moment.

You can ask them to wait as long as you like. It's about when you feel comfortable. And yes, it is actually completely fine to have your own parents visit while still asking in laws to wait although that seems like an unpopular opinion. It can feel like quite a vulnerable time. Most women will feel more comfortable with their own parents visiting but not others and that is completely fine.

Why are you asking just about your in-laws? What about your parents?

Best advice is to wait and see how you feel but remember, your in-laws are grandparents, just the same as your parents.

How far away do they live?
My mum came down after my first was born for a week (after DH's week paternity leave) to help and then my MIL came down the following week. Only she was not at all helpful and we had to ask her to leave after a couple of days.

So it depends on logistics.
Edit: MIL lives about 6 hours away and doesn't drive, my mum is 3 hours away. Neither could just pop in

We went a couple of days later. DDIL’s parents went the day after she came out of hospital because they live just up the road and we live 3 hours away. DDIL wouldn’t let anyone else visit until we’d met him.

It’s always been important to DS2 and DDIL that there’s no hierarchy of grandparents in our family so they try to be as fair as possible. Yes, DGS sees his other grandparents more than us, and they’re his childcare, but we’re FaceTimed every day DS2 & DDIL aren’t at work so he can still have a close relationship with us.