Visitors after birth

At no point did I actually say I agreed with setting a rule in advance of the birth of a specific number of days when each set of grandparents was allowed to visit. I think that's already setting a precedent of which set of grandparents is more "important". I personally think that visiting should be decided after birth because you never know how things will go or how the Mum will feel. And then, if she feels alright having her own parents but not anybody else then that's fine. Or equally, she might feel up to having in-laws or others visiting without any issue. It's ridiculous that women still feel they have to allow people into their personal space at a potentially vulnerable time to appease them even if she isn't comfortable with it. Or that she can't have the people she is closest to, other than her partner, around her to offer her help and support because other fully grown adults might get offended.

It’s really not completely fine. Obviously if there are special circumstances at the time, difficult or traumatic birth etc then fine to delay visitors then but saying upfront that one set of grandparents can’t visit but one can is outrageous in my opinion. These will be the baby’s only grandparents in OP’s case, I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t want them to share in the excitement of the new baby as soon as possible. By all means make sure your husband kicks them out if they overstay their welcome after a couple of hours but to set a ‘rule’ upfront that they can’t come for X number of days post birth will come across really badly I think.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It might be easier to let them come to the hospital as it will be a very short visit with hospital visiting times and you won't have to host them as guests in the way you would at home. Then if they've already met baby you can ask for space to settle in at home.

I'd say get them to come to the hospital, I actually felt more comfortable with that. We video called my ILs the evening baby arrived and invited them to the hospital the next day. They stayed for the entire visiting two hours and MIL held the baby for most of it. I also gave him a colostrum syringe as they arrived - he was overdue a feed having his hearing test done and I felt uncomfortable breastfeeding with them there.

Anyway from that, I'd advise 1. You don't have to invite them for the beginning of visiting hours 2. Feed your baby openly and confidently however you like, whenever you like 3. Ask your DH to make sure his side washes hands and doesn't kiss the baby, anything you've agreed on

I went to a birth centre for 3 days aftercare so only came home on day 5, ILs came again with auntie a couple days later. It was helpful to have space to establish breastfeeding and bond with baby, build my confidence looking after him myself.

My mum died a couple of years ago and we've chosen to live near ILs so there wasn't a question of keeping ILs at bay while my side was close. But it is tough having the dynamic change, I love mine but took some time to find my voice and assert what I needed or what baby needed and not worry how it came across. And they've been good about listening.

Interesting we where all at the birth my niece had her little boy in the car , it was a wonderfull experience, mum and baby carried on to hospital and all ok , we meet an ambulance half way to maternity hospital great service

My parents were there as soon as I was home from hospital (in fact my mum was there for the birth of my eldest). I couldn't wait to have them meet their grandkids and its a wonderful memory.

Inlaws live 400 miles away so took them a few days to get down but was certainly within the first week. Except for my 3rd child, and MIL was already at ours when I had the baby.

I couldn't fathom making my babies relatives wait weeks to meet them, unless I was extremely poorly or baby was. It seems really odd to me.

Why are you thinking of this before having given birth? You have absolutely no idea how you're going to feel. You might be desperate to show everyone your lovely baby an hour after the birth, or you might want a day to adjust, or a fortnight... Who knows. Try to relax and decide when the baby's born.

Agree with long car journeys

I went to my FILs funeral 10 days after a third degree tear and sitting on a ring cushion after the journey at the front of the church in agony was, quite frankly, stupid of me.

We didn’t go anywhere after the second birth and Caesarian
They came to us

I’m telling people I may need up to 2 weeks for any visitors. I’m getting a c section and know it’ll all be a shock to the system. I’m not rushing myself at all.

The only people who need to see your baby when it’s brand new are you and your partner! I’d delay all visitors or anyone except the grandparents, not just one side, however.

My parents hit the road within 5 minutes of the phone call saying the baby was born, pausing only to buy up the entire stock of Baby Gap en route.

My in-laws expected us to come to them (2 hours away) and I foolishly agreed on day 6 after an emergency section. That was far, far too soon to spend that long in a car.
I insisted on a fortnight before visiting them for the next.

Me too. I had to give them their place, even though FIL is one of the most obnoxious men to ever walk the face of the earth.

And it's worth remembering that the grandparents aren't just interested in snatching your baby out your arms, they're there to check on their own babies and give them a congratulatory hug.

My DS was born at 10.30am and my parents and MIL were in my hospital room by 2pm. It was a joyful day and I couldn’t wait to share it with our nearest and dearest. My DF went home that afternoon and came back the following day for more cuddles.

We didn't really discuss timelines for visiting before the birth with anyone as "setting expectations" seems to cause a lot of upset. We wanted to play it by ear depending on how the birth went.

With my first, my in laws came the day after we got home for a short visit (less than an hour) and then longer visits after a week or so.

Second time round, I ended up having an extremely traumatic birth and a stay in intensive care. My in laws saw baby briefly when we came home as they were looking after firstborn. I think they came back a few days later for half an hour to hold the baby and then left us to recover for a couple of weeks as we really were knocked for six.

I wouldn't overthink it at this stage. You'll know how ready you are after the baby arrives.

In an ideal world you should be able to take a can't make any promises approach and family should be understanding. I also get why for the postpartum period there might be a difference between mums parents and in laws because the new mum's needs and recovery should take priority over fairness for this short period of time.

My in laws made me really stressed, they were due to go on holiday two weeks after the due date and were insistent that they absolutely had to see the baby before they went. I was worried I'd be overdue and bullied into a visit before I was ready, could have done without it. Luckily the baby came early.

Well yeah, as they say, opinions are like arse holes.

You've got yours and I've got mine.

I think it’s personal and there’s no right or wrong, but it might cause tension if your in-laws are not allowed to come but your parents are. I’m saying this as someone who wanted her mum there almost immediately and wouldn’t not have minded having in-laws waiting 2-4 weeks 🙃 We agreed on open house for close family from day 5 onwards.

And here you have it. To the poster to whom you replied, it was about the closeness the new mum has to her own mum during a moment of vulnerability. To you (presumably mother of boys) it's a power game.

It is absolutely fine to want your own mum around you when you are giving birth ir have recently given birth.

It's absolutely fine to not want other people, including in-law, around. Even if they don't like it.

It's not just about the baby and the father is less important at this stage, and so are his parents.

Relived that my in-laws are not insane

Its also fine to just wait and see how you feel. I was stir crazy and went out for dinner on day 5... and DH left for deployment on day 7!

Asking for a few days is absolutely fine and I don't think you need to treat them the same either. When you have just given birth and you're sore and vulnerable, you are likely going to feel more comfortable with your parents.

My own parents came to visit when DS was five days old. PIL came when he was about three weeks, I think, but they live at the other end of the country and had to stay for a couple of days.

I think it's better to focus on the timing and length of any visits rather than banning altogether. (Unless you ban everyone for a set amount of time and not just your in laws.)

My mother was with me when I gave birth, my in laws visited in the hospital the next day and probably left when it was time for me to get my breasts out and try the rigmarole of latching baby on again. But it was lovely when they came in to meet their grandchild, they were so happy.
I remember I also cancelled on them once because I was just so tired and felt I needed to nap, they were disappointed but understood. They would not have understood a set timescale where they were banned from visiting though. So I'd advise against that but still communicate if there's a time that's really not good for you or if you ever need them to leave.

I’m obviously sister in law not parents in law in this situation, but I think I waited 3 weeks to meet my nephew. At the end of the day, it’s your body and you’re the one giving birth. It’s nobody else’s business what you want to do. If they don’t like it, tough.

We had MIL round 4 days after birth for a short visit. My parents 6 days after. Discharged from hospital post c section and PPH 1 day after birth. Long wished for IVF baby, not really bothered about the right way to do things. My mum brought a big homemade lasagne and changed our bed, then looked after me while I felt poorly and DH had some rest. MIL wouldn't even think about doing that.

This. Also your DH will surely want to show off the baby to his mum and dad. Same as you will with yours.