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Original poster

Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

133 replies

mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 19:11

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it).

We've been married since we were 20 (now 50).

Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act that interested.

You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc".

The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky."

It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 22:27

SpaceRaccoon · 12/08/2025 22:21

Lots of you are very laid back! If my DH ever fancied or had a crush on someone I'd expect him to hide it well enough thst I was none the wiser. I'd find it very hurtful otherwise.

It is hurtful, particularly when the object of the crush is very different to us. Leering in public is never appropriate.

On the other hand, hiding it won't make it go away....

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Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 22:24

@WilfredsPies
Think about all the men who have fancied you over the years.

I don't think many have to be honest, although you are right about the leery old man and the poor younger woman trope...

But someone in their thirties has been around long enough to know the difference between a man asking questions because he’s being chatty, and a man who is pushing his luck. She knows.

Yes, wishful thinking on my part, she can't be so dense as to not have picked up on my DH's mooning! To be honest, I'm not sure whether this woman either likes his attention or fancies him back, because she always chats back to him instead of making excuses to leave. Although she might just be being polite.

OP posts:
SpaceRaccoon · 12/08/2025 22:21

Lots of you are very laid back! If my DH ever fancied or had a crush on someone I'd expect him to hide it well enough thst I was none the wiser. I'd find it very hurtful otherwise.

Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 22:18

TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 22:10

I think it’s not his fault if he fancies her. You say he wouldn’t cheat and after you got annoyed he’s clearly tried to do the right thing and mention his wife a lot and note how she’s very young etc.

He can’t help fancying someone

True, I think it still hurtful for the DW (well it is for me at least), because she seems to be everything that I'm not, although it's not uncommon for a crush to be nothing like our spouse.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 12/08/2025 22:14

mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 21:58

@WilfredsPies Just as significant is that 99% of the time, women can tell when men are attracted to us. She’s going to know he has a crush on her and she’s going to be very uncomfortable about it if you’re stood next to him while he’s puffing his feathers out for her benefit.

She's much younger than us, early 30s at most, so I'm not sure whether she'll instantly know DH fancies her.... she might just think he's holding eye contact to be polite/seem interested? She probably wouldn't expect a 50 year old man to fancy her....

Maybe the first time, but if he’s staring at her enough that you’ve noticed, then she’s going to have noticed as well. Think about all the men who have fancied you over the years. Especially when you’ve been young and lovely and vivacious and they’ve been wrinkly old duffers who could have been at school with your dad. Remember that sinking feeling of disgust when you began to feel a bit uncomfortable and then realised with horror that they weren’t just being polite?

I mean, it’s possible that maybe she genuinely hasn’t noticed, and thinks that he’s staring at her because she reminds him of someone. Or he’s teasing her because he thinks of her as a daughter figure and/or is just a bit lonely and wants a friend. But someone in their thirties has been around long enough to know the difference between a man asking questions because he’s being chatty, and a man who is pushing his luck. She knows.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 22:11

Oh and as a 30 year old we know when older men fancy us. We’re not thick! We generally just don’t care.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 22:10

I think it’s not his fault if he fancies her. You say he wouldn’t cheat and after you got annoyed he’s clearly tried to do the right thing and mention his wife a lot and note how she’s very young etc.

He can’t help fancying someone

TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 22:10

I think it’s not his fault if he fancies her. You say he wouldn’t cheat and after you got annoyed he’s clearly tried to do the right thing and mention his wife a lot and note how she’s very young etc.

He can’t help fancying someone

Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 21:58

@WilfredsPies Just as significant is that 99% of the time, women can tell when men are attracted to us. She’s going to know he has a crush on her and she’s going to be very uncomfortable about it if you’re stood next to him while he’s puffing his feathers out for her benefit.

She's much younger than us, early 30s at most, so I'm not sure whether she'll instantly know DH fancies her.... she might just think he's holding eye contact to be polite/seem interested? She probably wouldn't expect a 50 year old man to fancy her....

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Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 21:55

aneelli · 12/08/2025 20:35

How are you and the lady in the same circle considering she’s young enough to be his daughter?

We aren't in a friendship circle, she's an acquaintance who lives locally, who he (and later both of us) stop to chat to for 5 minutes or so in the gym usually or sometimes the pub.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 12/08/2025 21:23

aneelli · 12/08/2025 20:35

How are you and the lady in the same circle considering she’s young enough to be his daughter?

She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs

they’re not in the same circle (didn’t realise adult friendships had age limits). Quite easy to get to talk to someone who you see around often

ClaredeBear · 12/08/2025 21:05

aneelli · 12/08/2025 20:35

How are you and the lady in the same circle considering she’s young enough to be his daughter?

There are people of all ages in gyms. I’m 52 and regularly train with people younger than me, or in the vicinity of. It’s fairly typical.

aneelli · 12/08/2025 20:35

How are you and the lady in the same circle considering she’s young enough to be his daughter?

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 12/08/2025 20:16

I think there are two issues at play. You mention his staring is obvious and so respectful which is valid, but then say you’re expecting him to acknowledge that he fancies her. This bit isn’t necessary and wouldn’t change the behaviour, if that’s what bothers you. He is also allowed his privacy, as you are too. I would explain that you’re uncomfortable with the staring and ask that he makes an effort to stop that. As for chatting with her, if he talks to a lot of people, it’s harmless and you can’t really suggest he can only talk to unattractive people. If the content of what he is saying is not sexual and inappropriate, there’s no harm in it. Sometimes, these silly little crushes can give you a bit of a spring in your step and make you feel young again. They’re harmless if your husband is a good man.

hotpot444 · 12/08/2025 20:04

What if you went to the gym at a different time to your DH? I would go at a time when there may be good-looking men with bulging muscles, working out.

Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 19:57

kim204 · 12/08/2025 19:49

Having a crush is one thing, his behaviour is quite another. Tell him just to say hi and move on, he doesn't need a half hour conversation with someone he sees around and barely knows.

He's gotten to know her a little bit by seeing her around over a period of 2 years, knows all about her job and her hobbies.

DH is a chatty person, but he doesn't gawp at everyone and he doesn't tease everyone.

I have told him to keep his distance, when I told him about his staring a few months back.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 12/08/2025 19:50

You know him well enough to understand his reactions to people, so I don’t doubt that he fancies her, but you’re his wife. He’s hardly likely to admit to his wife that he fancies someone young enough to be his daughter.

I think I’d sit him down when you’re at home and tell him that you don’t expect him to never notice other women. But you’ve already warned him his attraction is becoming painfully obvious and now it’s getting to the point where you feel disrespected. And that’s where it has to stop. Just as significant is that 99% of the time, women can tell when men are attracted to us. She’s going to know he has a crush on her and she’s going to be very uncomfortable about it if you’re stood next to him while he’s puffing his feathers out for her benefit. Maybe it’s time to point out to him that she’s going to feel just as uncomfortable with him, as he would feel if one of his mum’s friends made it clear she fancied him.

kim204 · 12/08/2025 19:49

Having a crush is one thing, his behaviour is quite another. Tell him just to say hi and move on, he doesn't need a half hour conversation with someone he sees around and barely knows.

Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 19:48

steff13 · 12/08/2025 19:46

Having a little crush is normal. Staring at her is creepy.

I don't think he's aware that he stares. Now I've drawn his attention to it, hopefully he'll reign it in.

OP posts:
steff13 · 12/08/2025 19:46

Having a little crush is normal. Staring at her is creepy.

tsmainsqueeze · 12/08/2025 19:43

TheRealGoose · 12/08/2025 19:17

Does it matter, he didn’t die from the waist down When he met you, so what if he finds other women attractive, it’s normal. As long as he doesn’t act on it or cheat; you can’t stop him finding other women attractive, he’s clearly trying to hide it and you’re obviously jealous, what good would admitting it do?

His behaviour is disrespectful to his wife.

Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 19:41

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 12/08/2025 19:39

What exactly do you expect from him?

He's got a little crush and he's trying to distance himself from her and bringing you into conversation.

He sounds sweet actually

This is true, he is sweet, but since I 'had words with him', he's still gone back and chatted with her and teased her (I know because I overheard him when I was in the gym changing room).

I think he genuinely does care about my feeling and he doesn't want me to feel hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 19:40

HenDoNot · 12/08/2025 19:34

He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed.

Yes she probably has noticed him staring a hole through her, transfixed, and so have other people.

Sadly, young women do (unfortunately almost have to) become used to letchy older men like your husband, behaving as he is. And are conditioned to ignore it, be polite, pretend you haven’t noticed, don’t upset him, etc.

I see men like your husband all the time, at the gym, eyes on stalks, sitting at the traffic lights outside my house practically drooling, perving at the sixth form (and younger girls) waiting to cross the road. Sad bastards.

Sorry you’re married to a creep. Choose better if you ever marry again.

I do love my DH, we've been together since we were 20, we were each other's first partner.

I've never acted infatuated with another man like DH has with this young woman.

OP posts:
JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 12/08/2025 19:39

What exactly do you expect from him?

He's got a little crush and he's trying to distance himself from her and bringing you into conversation.

He sounds sweet actually

Original poster
mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 19:37

Lmnop22 · 12/08/2025 19:31

Given how you’re reacting to your suspicion that he fancies her, I don’t think he’s likely to admit it if he does!

Telling him off probably didn't help in that regard.... I felt annoyed and couldn't hold it in. I also think, after 30 years together, it's easy to just be open and say how you feel.

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