Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

You never felt that sense of disgust as a young woman being hit on by a much older man, and so therefore it’s not disgusting for anyone? Is that what you’re saying? Because it sounds like that’s what you’re saying.

Who a man fancies is irrelevant, assuming they’re over 18. But many young women do feel disgust at the thought of someone old enough to be their dad, trying to flirt with them. It’s not an abnormal reaction.

I’d agree with that, in general. But the point is that it doesn’t really matter what he thinks he’s capable of. What matters is what he says and what he does and how he’s making you feel when he says and does those things. And your DH has crossed the line between keeping it in his own head, and royally taking the piss, both out of you and out of the poor sod he’s convinced would be his, if only he wasn’t a married man.

I’m sure he looks lovely.

But he’s not going to be the choice of the majority of women who are young enough to be his daughter. Especially if he’s staring at them like you’ve described and is trying to flirt with them while you’re only feet away from him.

So do you mean you have a sort of, 'ignorance is bliss' set up, ie you just want your DH to hide it and know nothing of it if he fancies any other women I know you weren’t talking to me but I definitely do. I never want to feel embarrassed because he’s staring at some woman, irrespective of their age. I never want to feel disrespected because he’s trying to chat her up right in front of me. I would never, ever do that to him and I expect the same courtesy in return. If he can’t hide it, then he needs to fuck off somewhere else until he’s over it. I might have accepted that sort of nonsense many years ago, from previous partners, when I was young and stupid and my self esteem was on the floor, but I’m used to better now. My bar is high and it’s staying there.

No, we can't. Not without a lot of work, anyway, and few people need to do that work.

We can, though, choose not to project our feelings onto other people. Especially when doing so is low-key offensive to the object of our lust, disrespectful to our partner and makes us look like a pitiable creep.

We rightly complain when our partners do the swivel-head stare at passing women: you can't help your 'phwoar!' response but you can choose not to act on it like some dog sniffing bottoms.

Because he is being so obvious with you in close proximity, that's what I meant.

She definitely finds him creepy and she knows he fancies her but is too polite to say anything.
She probably thinks you're a swinger couple. Why else would you be hanging around when all this is going on?
Embarrassing on all fronts. He needs to leave the woman alone to enjoy her gym in peace.
Unless this is an ultra exclusive gym in an an exclusive expensive gated community and your DH is a billionaire and she only joined the gym to find herself a very wealthy husband at all costs, there is zero chance she entertains any ideas about reciprocating his interest.

I never said I, or she, would welcome or want to be hit on by said older man. I just said it’s not disgusting that they clearly fancy a younger woman.

No I wouldn’t date, or hit on, someone so out of my age range. But I wouldn’t feel horror that human adult male is attracted to human adult female! I’d just laugh and get on with my day.

I don't think he's sweet I think he sounds incredibly creepy. That poor woman being letched at the gym.

That's just what you want when you're in your lyrcra and working out, is some old man (in her eyes) staring hard a t her.

Gives me the boak.

I'm nearly 60 and creeps still stare at me at the gym when I'm doing squats or pelvic thrusts. Fucking perverts. Fuck off and letch somewhere else.

You need to tell your husband he must be making that woman feel very uncomfortable.

Sorry OP, you are very patient.
That poor young women.
Your husband is a sleazy creep and its clearly obvious.
I would find his behaviour mortifying and repulsive.
I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate him behaving like that.
She'd be welcome to him.
He has zero self respect or for you that he thinks putting such behaviour on show is acceptable.

I think it’s a bit strange that you think she might be quite ok with it. I mean, there are women about who don’t mind an age difference of twenty odd years, but they tend to be the exception rather than the rule. Certainly none I can think of who would have thought anything other than ‘creep’ if he was trying his luck while his wife was getting changed just feet away.

It’s lovely for you that you’ve never felt horror or disgust at realising someone old enough to be your dad is trying to flirt with you, when you just thought they were being chatty and friendly. I’m over the moon for you that you’ve never felt that discomfort. I can’t imagine why you haven’t been made the spokesperson for all younger women who have been approached by much older men.

I’m 50. No longer young and can’t remember what being vivacious felt like. The thought of me trying to flirt with a 30 year old is utterly ridiculous. It wouldn’t even enter my wildest imagination that someone young enough to be my son would welcome the advances of someone my age, even if I did find them attractive. Are you telling me that you’d be happy to try your luck with someone twenty odd years younger than you? Simply because you still have feelings?

He shouldn’t be fancying younger women.

He isn't just 'fancying' her, he's fixating on her. It's extremely disrespectful behaviour, discomfiting and potentially threatening.

OP, when all three of you are together, why not say things like "Oh, DH, leave her alone! She doesn't have to explain herself to you." By acting like you haven't noticed anything, you reinforce the pretence that nothing unusual is happening. If she's less than perfectly confident, she may be doubting herself and thus leaving herself open to wilful misinterpretation by him.

If he's boring holes in her while other people are around, try making fun of him. "DH, you're gawking at Sally again. Have you noticed, Friends, his eyes come out on stalks whenever she's around? Like a prawn, haha." (You can probably do better jokes.)

@WilfredsPiesi think it’s a bit harsh that you’re imagining she should be recoiling in horror at the thought of a 50 year old fancying her. 50 year olds are still humans with feelings not decrepit ghosts 😂 I’ve never felt horror and disgust just slightly bemused

Yuk. He sounds like a proper perv.

Yes I can see that being hurtful. But in my experience fancying someone to the extent you moon over them tends to be more chemical than anything else - sometimes it’s the weirdest or most unlikely people you find yourself attracted to and it doesn’t mean you don’t also fancy your partner!

As long as he knows not to be a prat then I’d try to let it go. Although of course I’d mock him mercilessly any time we bumped into her together - as is my right as a wife