Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

mrsembarassed69 · 2025-08-12T18:11:38+00:00

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it). We've been married since we were 20 (now 50). Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act ^that ^interested. You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc". The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky." It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 17/08/2025 16:17

@PurpleLeather Thank you. For your ‘do something’, I already kind of have (had stern words with him, and he has changed some of his behaviour). But when I say he wouldn’t be bothered if I tried to flirt with or comment on an attractive younger man, that’s because DH thinks he’s the better looking one of the couple 😂

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Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 14:18

Inertia · 15/08/2025 12:00

Agreed. Women may feel jealous/ possessive, but I don’t know of any conclusive evidence to say that it’s more likely than men’s jealousy.

However, there are lots of horrific examples of men killing their wives/ partners/ exes, and even entire families, because of jealousy or revenge.

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True, but I don't think my DH would be jealous about me commenting on or looking at a younger man. He's always felt he's the better looking one in the couple, I think, and by mainstream standards he probably is.

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Inertia · 15/08/2025 12:00

Disturbia81 · 15/08/2025 11:37

Wow. Firstly men are not less jealous. Men kill because of possessiveness!
Secondly many young men definitely like older women. I get chatted up by young men more than when I was younger.
Thirdly why would a young woman be interested in him but a young man not in you?
He’s really done a number on you, your confidence is through the floor.

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Agreed. Women may feel jealous/ possessive, but I don’t know of any conclusive evidence to say that it’s more likely than men’s jealousy.

However, there are lots of horrific examples of men killing their wives/ partners/ exes, and even entire families, because of jealousy or revenge.

Inertia · 15/08/2025 11:55

TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 22:31

@WilfredsPiesi think it’s a bit harsh that you’re imagining she should be recoiling in horror at the thought of a 50 year old fancying her. 50 year olds are still humans with feelings not decrepit ghosts 😂 I’ve never felt horror and disgust just slightly bemused

It’s not the fact that he’s older and fancies her, it’s that his behaviour is so over the top that it could be making her uncomfortable. If they use the same gym/ pubs, she may think it would be awkward to say anything to him about any discomfort she feels.

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:47

Disturbia81 · 15/08/2025 11:37

Wow. Firstly men are not less jealous. Men kill because of possessiveness!
Secondly many young men definitely like older women. I get chatted up by young men more than when I was younger.
Thirdly why would a young woman be interested in him but a young man not in you?
He’s really done a number on you, your confidence is through the floor.

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Yes there are possessive men, but I think women are more jealous about their DH/DP looking at other women than the reverse.

I don’t really look like a MILF or cougar 😂I don’t have kids, but the kind of older man you’re describing, who appeals to
younger men, isn’t how I look. I am still fairly slim, though, which not everyone in their 50s is.

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Disturbia81 · 15/08/2025 11:37

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:29

@PurpleLeather I know, the “everyone fancies other people, so what?” attitude is the cool, enlightened reaction, but is it realistic?

As for DH and me pointing out young men in a bid to make him jealous, I don’t think he’d be that bothered. I do think men are less jealous in general. I also think he knows I wouldn’t stand a chance or get attention from a much younger man.

Wow. Firstly men are not less jealous. Men kill because of possessiveness!
Secondly many young men definitely like older women. I get chatted up by young men more than when I was younger.
Thirdly why would a young woman be interested in him but a young man not in you?
He’s really done a number on you, your confidence is through the floor.

PurpleLeather · 15/08/2025 11:35

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:29

@PurpleLeather I know, the “everyone fancies other people, so what?” attitude is the cool, enlightened reaction, but is it realistic?

As for DH and me pointing out young men in a bid to make him jealous, I don’t think he’d be that bothered. I do think men are less jealous in general. I also think he knows I wouldn’t stand a chance or get attention from a much younger man.

He’s made you feel like utter crap, I can tell that by your feeling that a younger man wouldn’t be fancying you nor your husband bothered by it. I do think all these I wouldn’t care, it’s normal people are not being entirely truthful. If they are, what a state modern relationships are in and no wonder most of them don’t last.

you need to make a stand, for two reasons - he’s being disloyal and that’s out of order and if it carries on, it could break up your marriage. Next time he does it, notice how it makes you feel and walk off, leave, or voice his sad behaviour in front of her, humiliate him as he’s doing to you. But love, do something xx

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:29

@PurpleLeather I know, the “everyone fancies other people, so what?” attitude is the cool, enlightened reaction, but is it realistic?

As for DH and me pointing out young men in a bid to make him jealous, I don’t think he’d be that bothered. I do think men are less jealous in general. I also think he knows I wouldn’t stand a chance or get attention from a much younger man.

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Disturbia81 · 15/08/2025 11:20

PurpleLeather · 15/08/2025 11:15

Well, you can’t do anything about what he’s doing bar threaten to throw him out if he doesn’t stop it. But that’s a bit drastic at this stage. How about a little retaliatory action? I’m sure you see lots of good looking young men when you’re out and about, be sure to have a good look and drool when he’s with you. Make sure he notices. I’m sure he’ll feel old and past it and ill-compared to a younger model like you do. He won’t like it either. If he didn’t stop it after that I’d tell him straight, it stops or I’m gone (or rather, you’re gone!) You’ll do what you need to do. It’s certainly not normal to behave like that and it’s totally disloyal to you. I’d be fuming though reading everyone else’s comments, they wouldn’t care. Now that I find strange.

This, make him feel like you do OP. It’s always the man doing this shit! Making the woman feel crap.

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:17

Disturbia81 · 15/08/2025 10:53

This
Stop excusing him OP, he’s a creep.
It doesn’t matter that she won’t reciprocate, it’s him who shouldn’t be feeling or acting like this.

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I am not excusing him, if I was happy with his behaviour I wouldn’t have started this thread.

I just don’t think we can change our actual feelings. We (he) can change how he acts though.

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Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:16

@BauhausOfEliott Thank you. I don’t know what I wanted from DH re this woman to be honest. Possibly for him just to have been more respectful about it, and not to be so overly friendly. He has toned it down since I had a word with him.

Some posts here are automatically jumping to the conclusion that my DH is ready to cheat if this woman showed interest in him. I’m not convinced that’s true….and not because I’m niave, but just because I haven’t seen any evidence or opportunity for him trying to cheat. And we WFH and I see his phone all the time. There’s no secrecy.

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PurpleLeather · 15/08/2025 11:15

Well, you can’t do anything about what he’s doing bar threaten to throw him out if he doesn’t stop it. But that’s a bit drastic at this stage. How about a little retaliatory action? I’m sure you see lots of good looking young men when you’re out and about, be sure to have a good look and drool when he’s with you. Make sure he notices. I’m sure he’ll feel old and past it and ill-compared to a younger model like you do. He won’t like it either. If he didn’t stop it after that I’d tell him straight, it stops or I’m gone (or rather, you’re gone!) You’ll do what you need to do. It’s certainly not normal to behave like that and it’s totally disloyal to you. I’d be fuming though reading everyone else’s comments, they wouldn’t care. Now that I find strange.

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 11:03

3luckystars · 15/08/2025 06:12

Because it’s true, his is probably thinking about her non stop. Nobody is going to admit that, to their wife!!

Even someone who has been married for 50years will risk it for a biscuit once the feeling takes over them.

Your husband IS acting out of character, that’s why you are posting. Sorry I know it’s hard to take in, but it’s also true.

Edited

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He might think her about her often but non stop? I doubt he’s stalker level obsessed. Yes he may have a crush and he might think about her sometimes, but he’s not (well I seriously doubt anyway) that creepily obsessed.

I don’t deny that he’s acted like a creep, but since we’ve had words he’s knows I’m watching him. He won’t just go to the gym without me (well I always make sure I go along anyway now) when this girl might be there.

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Disturbia81 · 15/08/2025 10:53

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/08/2025 02:24

Silly fool.
She probably laughs about his behaviour with her friends, he's a weird old man to her generation.
Start flicking through photos of hot younger men, he'll realise that it is creepy.

Edited

This
Stop excusing him OP, he’s a creep.
It doesn’t matter that she won’t reciprocate, it’s him who shouldn’t be feeling or acting like this.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/08/2025 10:25

Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her

Because you'd very obviously be annoyed and constantly niggle him about it, I expect. Nobody really wants to turn round to their husband/wife and say 'Yeah, I really fancy that hot younger woman/bloke you're clearly very jealous about.'

It's pretty normal for people to find other people attractive. They aren't having an affair and he'd probably never even consider attempting to make a move on her. I'm a 49-year-old woman with a partner, and I'm not immune to finding men attractive or having a little crush. There is nothing weird about that; biologically we're programmed to find other human beings attractive sometimes. My partner and I both work at the same place and I'm pretty sure he must find some of the women we work with/are friends with attractive; I certainly would if I was a straight man. But I wouldn't in a million years go on at him asking him to confess to it, and neither would he do the same to me over a good-looking bloke.

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2025 08:03

"My DH hasn't gone beyond silly chat with this woman, especially since I had a bit of a go at him. He made an effort of shoe horning me into the conversation, and commenting on how young she is."

Do you not realise how patronising the pair of you are being 'commenting on how young she is'? I'm near 60, I've never watched Seinfeld. My DD has had this sort of thing happen and she's had to change gyms. No young man has ever been bothered to this extent by an older woman, why you can't see how problematic his behaviour is, is very odd tbh. She's being polite to the strange old couple and the pair of you need to start treating her as an equal and stop with the comments. Would you like agest commentsevery time you go to exercise?. This is a prime example of how over sexualised young women are to the point it affects their day to day existence. So now he's talking at her, about you and then being condescending about her age. Let's hope one day she plucks up courage to tell him to do one.

3luckystars · 15/08/2025 06:12

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 00:49

All men everywhere? Surely every man who has been married for decades has fancied another woman at some point, and sometimes that woman might have even reciprocated, but do all of those men want to cheat?

My DH hasn't gone beyond silly chat with this woman, especially since I had a bit of a go at him. He made an effort of shoe horning me into the conversation, and commenting on how young she is.

I fully understand why you might think I'm niave or delusional, but trust me, I would notice if DH was acting out of character or sneaking around. Plus, this woman would have to reciprocate and be up for it....she's done nothing to suggest that. I have got my eyes open, don't worry!!

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Because it’s true, his is probably thinking about her non stop. Nobody is going to admit that, to their wife!!

Even someone who has been married for 50years will risk it for a biscuit once the feeling takes over them.

Your husband IS acting out of character, that’s why you are posting. Sorry I know it’s hard to take in, but it’s also true.

Peaceisenough · 15/08/2025 02:42

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 02:19

I don't know what I want him to do, to be honest.

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At this point then, you need to take yourself off and have a deep inventory about yourself because you’re looking for answers he can’t give you. And I think you know that.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/08/2025 02:24

Silly fool.
She probably laughs about his behaviour with her friends, he's a weird old man to her generation.
Start flicking through photos of hot younger men, he'll realise that it is creepy.

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 02:19

Peaceisenough · 15/08/2025 01:14

Do you not need him to admit it anymore then?

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I don't know what I want him to do, to be honest.

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Missanimosity · 15/08/2025 02:14

mrsembarassed69 · 12/08/2025 22:27

It is hurtful, particularly when the object of the crush is very different to us. Leering in public is never appropriate.

On the other hand, hiding it won't make it go away....

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But what do you expext him to do? For him to say yes I like her? Then what? Of course he won't admit it, he doesn't want to hurt you. Nothing qrong with the conersation maybe a little patronising if something. Staring is different though, if he stares he might .ake her feel uncomfortable and you as well. Hopefully he will be more aware after you told him and make efforts to avoid it. Crushed are harmless if they are not acted upon they come and go. Don't worry too much!

Peaceisenough · 15/08/2025 01:14

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 01:10

I did, I just wanted some insight from other women. Just the fancying is hurtful, he doesn't need to act on it.

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Do you not need him to admit it anymore then?

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 01:10

Peaceisenough · 15/08/2025 00:52

But you posted for a reason didn’t you my lovely. What were you hoping to get from this thread?

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I did, I just wanted some insight from other women. Just the fancying is hurtful, he doesn't need to act on it.

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Peaceisenough · 15/08/2025 00:52

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 00:49

All men everywhere? Surely every man who has been married for decades has fancied another woman at some point, and sometimes that woman might have even reciprocated, but do all of those men want to cheat?

My DH hasn't gone beyond silly chat with this woman, especially since I had a bit of a go at him. He made an effort of shoe horning me into the conversation, and commenting on how young she is.

I fully understand why you might think I'm niave or delusional, but trust me, I would notice if DH was acting out of character or sneaking around. Plus, this woman would have to reciprocate and be up for it....she's done nothing to suggest that. I have got my eyes open, don't worry!!

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But you posted for a reason didn’t you my lovely. What were you hoping to get from this thread?

Original poster

mrsembarassed69 · 15/08/2025 00:52

Peaceisenough · 15/08/2025 00:30

OP, your OP asked why won’t he admit it. Why do you think he won’t?

Not entirely sure, so I was picking the brains of Mumsnetters. I think most likely to spare my feelings, not cause an argument.... but it made he obvious with his behaviour.

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