Old men sitting next to me

When I was 14 I was in a bus and an older man sat down next to me. He actually squeezed himself against me and started rub his thigh against mine, i shrank as much as i could but he was like glue he also ‘accidentally’ fell and grabbed me by my developing breasts. Ever since then I hate being approached like this and will be blunt. I each literal child who didn’t know what do.

My dad then told me ‘you don’t owe niceness to anyone!’ and it was like a light in my brain. When a guy says ‘simile love’ I just say ‘no, shan’t’ like Emily Blunt in The Devil Wears Prada. A guy grabbed it arse on the queue to get off the train and I grabbed hs wrist and put his hand high in the air and shouted ‘has anyone lost this, I just found it stuck to my arse!’ I pretend to know actual strangers if it looks like they need help with a creep and really no have the old perv to thank as I froze them and ring againx of someone tried to join me and called me selfish I’d ask why theythink I owe them anything! X

Mmmmm…. Sorry, something is off about this for me. My spidey senses are kicking in.

Which rather begs the question of why were they approaching in the first place. I had it once when I was face down in my phone with earplugs in listening to a podcast, 'became aware' of a bloke stood by the table, is it ok if I sit here? In a massive near empty pub. Me, shrugging but a sweet smile, 'sit there if you like but I'm not for chatting'.

Him, loud now: WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYWAY? FUCK'S SAKE, FUCKING STUPID COW, strops off...

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I don’t blame you at all, OP. If I’m in a cafe on my own then I want to be on my own - unless there was a shortage of space, in which case I would probably hurry up and leave (I am socially anxious!). There’s nothing wrong with saying no but maybe try an overly polite response such as “sorry but I would prefer to sit on my own just now, if that’s ok”. You shouldn’t have to but you’ll just end up feeling worse if these guys have a go at you.

Usually I'd agree with you but op did ask if others have had the same, so I think some posters are just genuinely answering that question.

Personally never had this in a cafe with an old man but I don't go in cafes and restaurants alone ever. I did politely reject a man in a gay bar once (of all places!) and he actually whinged at me like a toddler.

Happy to. Where is she? My mother had Alzheimer’s for 10 years and got herself in several sticky situations with strangers through lack of inhibitions, some of whom were really kind, some not.

I will (and do) always extend kindness to an elderly lady on that basis, however annoying it might be.

Do you want to borrow my mother?

I hear you 🙌, every, EVERY time the message is that it's you, sweetie, who isn't being nice. Fk 'nice', mate, YOU be 'nice' and leave me alone!!!

Totally hear you. It’s akin to men telling you to ‘cheer up’ when you’re walking down the street minding your own business. Basically men having to always impinge on women in some way. it’s infuriating. Having said that, if it was a little old lady, I’d be inclined to indulge her as she definitely wouldn’t have an ulterior motive, and is probably just lonely.

It's the "nice guy" phenomena. There is a whole subreddit dedicated to documenting it, quite a few YouTube channels too.

Nice guys are men who approach women to chat them up and turn nasty when, no matter how politely, the woman turns them down. I didn't think there was a woman alive who hasn't been called an ugly bitch, or worse, after rejecting a man who expressed an interest in her.

Why don't you then? (Or something assertive and less confrontational anyway) if being such a persistent magnet is proving problematic for you.

Ah. Perhaps you are like me and have what a friend describes as 'resting 'can I help you?' face'.

It's a pain in the tits because I don't actually like people very much, but sadly I've been cursed with a face that makes people think I want to be friends with every lunatic within a ten mile radius.

I don't. I have, however, perfected the art of getting up and walking away.

(I also ENDLESSLY get asked where things are in shops.)

What would I do?
Exactly the same, or take the other free table if he insisted. At my age, I'm really not interested.
YANBU.

This! Take your custom elsewhere.

This wouldn't have happened if you were a man.

They haven’t said OP said that, they’ve quoted someone else?

Or they think no females can possibly be having a nice time without the company of men. I’m in a same sex marriage, we often get men trying to sit with us for a “chat”. No, go away.

I want one of those. I think it might be time to practise it in the mirror!

I’ve had two separate manswimsplainers in the swimming pool. I’ve also been particularly susceptible to men trying to claim my time and attention when travelling alone. Any public transport can be a problem. Trains are a nightmare for it, I’ve had more issues on that particular mode of travel than any other. Then there was the long haul flight where a man began insistently questioning me as to my end destination. I gave him that kind of half-smile, half-grimace you give when you want to convey an underlying ‘you’re a wanker’ sentiment and inquired in light tones ‘why would you want to know?’ Received some mutterings back about making polite conversation and with another smile/grimace said, ‘well hopefully it will be a smooth landing, I’ve just been reading that the weather forecast in Montreal is good’, then stuck my headphones on and buried my nose in my tablet. I was very wary going through baggage reclaim on that occasion.

Replies such as, ‘I’d rather not, thank you’, ‘no, I’d rather you didn’t join me’, and ‘I’m not up for conversation/company thanks’ have all been met with abusive responses at one time or another.

I’m middle aged. My field of fucks is very definitely becoming increasingly barren, given this is a thing most women my age have been navigating for decades.

IME, it’s been men. Every time.

I've had it in near empty pubs and I get lots of manspreading on trains but not cafes. These people get pissy about, it as others have said, because they feel perfectly entitled to occupy your physical space and take up your time trying to be interesting or interested, thus making you the aggressor when you make it clear that they are imposing and/ or invading your privacy and your space. Either way I don't care how awkward they choose to try and make me feel about it, it's their lack of manners not mine, and I would never dream of doing anything like that myself.

I don't get this attention, but I have a resting bitch face

I’d do exactly the same!

What???

Of course it happens in the UK. You get creeps and twats here just like anywhere else!

I'm 52 and thought I was at an age when pervy men would leave me alone but I have had three bad experiences within the last year in the book section of my local Tesco's, of all places. I think because it is quiet, a certain type of man knows there is no one to overhear what they are up to. Three times I have been approached by much older men, 70s or 80s, conversation starts off benign enough and then got creepy. You know the type of conversations where they just stay on the right side of the line and you are questioning wether you are overreacting as it is happening, right until they go too far? I was a bit stunned the first two times and just walked away quickly, but the third time, my heart sank and I thought, "Here we go again," and he got quite lewd, very fast. I got angry this time and told him loudly to fuck off away from me and it worked. Now I don't go near the book section. THE BOOK SECTION OF TESCO'S!!! I swear they think that because we are not 20 somethings, we will be grateful for the attention! I also had a guy hassling me for attention in my hairdressers, nothing creepy, but again, just demanding my attention despite the fact I was reading a book. I didn't feel as if I could say anything as we were both clients and everything could be over heard, but once I was sat in the chair, he thought it was funny to grab a pair of scissors and pretend he was going to cut my hair. That's when my hairdresser intervened and told him to sit down and leave me be. "I was just joking," he said. Bless her, she shot back with, "Women with beautiful hair don't find it funny when someone threatens to mangle it. Sit!". So she defended me AND I got a compliment. I think in his case he really was just lonely but as PP have said, we are not emotional support animals. People have a right to their own boundaries.

I had this recently in the gym, I was on a cardio machine with my earbuds in getting on with my workout when an older man came over and stood right beside me to get my attention then introduced himself and started talking at me. I just put my earbuds back in and projected "fuck off" vibes until he went away. Why would he think it's appropriate to come and bother someone who's clearly in the middle of a workout and doesn't want to talk.

It’s a PA, indirect and somewhat cowardly way of questioning the veracity of your account, OP.

Almost as if women were never routinely harassed in this manner, and are making a big, silly old fuss when they are.

You know the tired old drill. But there are still many other Mumsnetters left who see this for precisely what it is.