Household chores vs personal responsibilities?

Cups and plates, snack on sofa etc; absolutely the job of the eater to bring to the kitchen. That's the sort of small job toddlers can be helping with to fix the idea that this is just what you do.

That starts with the parents. You've allowed it

You have to go in with each one and get it straight, clean and tidy Can you decorate/add storage? Would that be an incentive?

Then carry on as you've started.

Lot of work, but my kids rooms were NEVER like that and nor are any of my DGC's

And no food except in kitchen/dining room. For anyone

I’ve never allowed mine to take food into the bedroom, he has a glass for water and will buy snacks like crisps etc but no crockery or cutlery goes upstairs.

I don’t stress about the unmade bed, not my problem, I don’t have to sleep in it 😉

Mine is now 23 so it is much easier to put it back on him if he can’t find anything and going away to uni really made him understand that. When he was at school I was the broken record of nagging and I would probably lose it about once per month and we would have an argument resulting in me finding in whatever was missing.

I do think it gets better so hang in there and set some ground rules that work for you and which the offspring can mostly achieve.

Washing - household chore, DD12 will help put the washing on the clothes horse if asked and she does her own ironing.

For crockery I expect each individual to bring their stuff to the dishwasher, put it in the dishwasher, throw away rubbish and clear up crumbs. Unloading the dishwasher is a household task. Most of the time food isn’t allowed out of the kitchen in my house anyway and certainly not upstairs.

Laundry is a household task here, so long as the individual has put it in the basket. My kids are capable of doing their own laundry if needed but most of the time I’d rather they didn’t - I have a big machine and I want full loads doing.

Even my 2 yr old knows where dirty plates and cutlery goes. Yesterday I had both the 2 and 6 yr old tidying up their bedroom so I could vacuum the floor. I do have to remind the 6 yr old to pick up washing and put it in the right baskets, likewise with rubbish, she's always been a bit lazy with it and she'll go through stages where she does it automatically but then other times has to be told to and has a sulk while doing it.
If they can't pick up plates and pots and rubbish from the living room then they don't get to go in there with food and drink

I don’t mind mine taking food to their rooms as long as the dishes come back down and are washed or put in the dishwasher. In your situation I would be putting in a ban on food in their rooms!

Lunches- make your own (unless I’m doing it anyway) and clear away your dishes.

Laundry- if it’s not in the basket it doesn’t get done. If you need it for a certain date then tell me or wash it yourself.

The biggest battle in our house is the teens leave their dishes next to the sink “because the dishwasher was full”. If it’s full and clean then EMPTY it!

Oh I couldn’t care less about beds being made. That is not something that would even make the list, so obviously prioritise and stick to essential/non negotiable /important things to begin with.

What I would do (and have done ) .

First start with a proper clean with each kid in their room. Absolutely everything gets looked at and sorted and declutter as much as possible. Bring bin bags and they have to help. They decide what to keep and what goes, make piles. You do x job, they can take all plates down and wash/put in dishwasher. Everything needs putting away/will have a place to go. If they have too much crap, some of the crap must go or nothing new is bought. Once it’s all sorted and clean and tidy, they are responsible for the upkeep. No, they can’t go out until their room is tidy. You’re hoovering (for example) on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the floor needs to be empty. If it isn’t you’re either bin bagging everything on the floor OR dumping it in their bed.If shit gets hoovered up, though titties. Your job needs doing, you won’t skip it because they haven’t done theirs or do theirs for them instead. Crockery down every morning, or they’re not allowed plates upstairs. Can’t find shit? Though. It’s wherever you put it. Invest in storage if need be and make sure they know where everything should go.

A mix of natural consequences and parental consequences, with clear , set rules.

Natural: can’t find shit, stuff gets broken , doesn’t get replaced, no I’m not washing your favourite tshirt at 11 pm because you need it in the morning, run out of clean whatever , and so on, you don’t have time to do x because you have to do y because they haven’t done it/left it too late.

Actual consequences: didn’t follow the rules, you’re not going out until you do, no pocket money, no wifi , no lifts.

Ask them down to put their crap away , everytime. If they kick off, one warning and then go back to actual consequences. Don’t engage in arguments and life is sooo unfair and you’re the worst mother ever and I haaaate you! “Yeah, I know .. now put your plates away”. Ignore the whinging and whining.

Basically you need to make it harder/more inconvenient to not do it in the first place.

It will take time, it will be exhausting and you’ll be tempted to give in because it’s easier/quicker to do it yourself, but they will learn eventually.

Most importantly, make it clear , you’re a family, you work together, you help each other out. Your goal is to raise functional humans .

My kids aren't allowed to bring any cups or plates into their rooms - they don't bring them down so the solution is they don't go up there in the first place. Other than that, their rooms are messy. They are required to hoover every few weeks and do a tidy up now and again but otherwise if they want to live in a mess, that's their choice.

I'd focus on the rest of the house - keeping shared areas clean is non-negotiable in my house. It's a matter of respect.

Also your DH needs to get his head out of his arse and stop expecting praise for cleaning like a small child.

I'd tell them they have one hour to bring crockery and glasses to the kitchen and stack in the dishwasher or there will be consequences.......don't tell them what (turn off WiFi or change password to access?)

As for their clothes, up to them if they have no clean clothes isn't it. Only launder things in the laundry basket by washing machine.

They can live in a tip in their own rooms but communal places must be tidied - or else......

I initially misread the question as "are communal loads of laundry done or does each person do their own", and I'd say it varies by household and in some cases it can be bits of both. But picking up other people's dirty clothes wherever they dropped them and determining that they ARE dirty and so taking them away to wash? My 9yo might not mind it and I or her dad might it for her if she was constantly forgetting or not knowing when things needed a wash. The older children (14 &16) wouldn't put up with it, though - they don't want anyone coming in to their rooms (more than necessary) or rummaging through their things and what if they are looking for a specific article of clothing and it has disappeared?

For dirty dishes - communal if it's part of a meal, personal if it's one person eating on their own. OR rotate the "chore" so it's a different person's responsibility each day or week (or whatever interval) to go around the house and pick up the dirty dishes and wash them. Each person cleaning their own room is DEFINITELY a personal responsibility, but I don't really care if they make their beds or keep the room tidy as long as they're not hoarding dishes or other household items and there's no smell or pest attraction or safety issue.

It’s a grind to change behaviours, but if you don’t put the effort in they won’t change.

We’re not perfect at this but if I’m standing looking at a crockery in the sitting room or someone’s room I will not touch it, but will continually call out to them to come and get it and bring it to the kitchen. And generally not stop until they huff their way to wherever I am and reluctantly do it.

Our kids do believe in the dishwasher fairy though - who will apparently “magic” dishes from the counter into the dishwasher. That one gives me the absolute rage, but I do put them in if they’ve brought them that close.

If my kids refused to bring their plates to the kitchen and tried to say it was my 'chore' I would be so annoyed and absolutely decide they will be doing a hell of a lot more around the home. It's just sheer laziness . What contribution do they give now to chores?

My teen does her own washing - the only problem is that we sometimes then have a clash of both wanting to use the machine (both because no other adults live here) but obviously it’s not a huge issue to both want to use machine at the same time.

I must get my younger one (11) more capable with things like washing tbh! He is much more difficult to get to remember things left lying about too as he has ADHD but needs to learn obviously as there won’t be fairies to do it when he’s grown up!

I have an 12 and 14 year old. They are entirely responsible for their own laundry, I don't touch it. As far as I'm concerned, beyond the age of 11ish, laundry is the same as showering - do it yourself.

There is no way in hell I'd be picking up plates and such left by my children. They would never expect that either. I'm not a servant!

Whoever told you that was probably being deliberately goady.

Ironing isn’t an household chore, fwiw 😁

It’s probably because the laundry question was in your OP, and tbh it’s a really easy example to use.

After a certain age it’s literally your shit(especially mess/rubbish) , your responsibility.

@LittleOwl153 I'm petty, so lunch stuff if not cleared away would be dumped on their bed.

I would probably ban eating anywhere but dining room or kitchen

And if they can't co=operate then I might stop buying anything but the food I need for meals

Treats would not be happening
Nor would lifts

Can't bear selfish teens

We are big on personal responsibility in our home. My kids (5-11) all put their dirty clothes in laundry basket, put away their own washing, make own beds, tidy own rooms and clear their own stuff out of communal areas. They put rubbish in bins, plates in the dishwasher and help tidy after meals. If they spill something or make a mess it is theirs to clean up. I don’t consider these chores. Just the basics. Older two have a few chores as well. These aren’t linked to pocket money. They are just expected to help because they live in the home and everyone helps.

Im working on this with my two, 14 and 16. I'm a single mum so it's àll been in me for a long time. I am gradually weàring them down on the idea that there is a washing fairy, a dishes fairy etc. A couple of times of not having what they wanted clean is starting to move them towards a bit of motivation. Thing is though, my parents didn't ask me to do a lot, though both worked full time. When I went to uni and had a house I knew I needed to do it and did. I don't always buy this thing that you are doing them a huge disservice by not making them 100% responsible for all sorts at a young age. It's a balance obviously. I won't be taken advantage of or accept "blame" if they don't have what they want but I like to care for them.