To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

@mewling you are speaking from your perspective not your child’s.

I do also know people with positive stories but as you’ve only asked for the negatives those are the only ones I’ll mention.

I have two friends who are SMBC who although they would never say they regret having their child, they do regret that they did it alone because they found & still find it incredibly difficult (our kids are still young), all the financial pressure, the household, the mental load, every single sick day/holiday/inset day being their responsibility has really impacted their career which is stressful as single parents who really can’t afford to lose their jobs. Every item of clothing, food, every gift & school trip being theirs to fund, not having someone to bounce ideas off even down to things like when their child is poorly- do they need A&E, GP, wait & see? All of those are solely their decision and that’s hard. There’s no off switch, they are “on” from wake up til bed time, no exceptions and they’ve found that very very difficult- there’s nobody to hand off to so you can have a soak in the bath or just watch some TV after a rubbish day etc. Both had a really tough time postpartum & with young babies especially but even now everything being 100% your responsibility is a heavy burden.

I also have a friend who was the child in the situation you propose and wishes things had been different. She will always be grateful for the things her mum did do but especially as she has gotten older she see’s her mum’s choice as a selfish decision and has a hard time with that. She didn’t ask to be born, no child does, and it has really had quite an impact on her growing up and also on how she see’s things now which isn’t an easy thing to navigate for her or her mum now. Her mum wanted a baby, but didn’t really think about what that baby might want, need, or grow up to be, and as I say that is a cause of conflict between them now which is tricky.

I'd be really surprised if you find someone who out and out regrets it, because that's regretting the existence of the child they have and that's a huge and unusual thing. (I know you don't want to hear from this perspective, but I have an 8 month old and I really do not regret it, even though it's hard, because she's perfect.)

There's a Facebook group, Solo Mothers by Choice UK, which has less concern trolls and more actual SMBCs on it if you want to try the question there?

It's a hard decision, and only you can make it. For what it's worth, I never got to a place of being sure sure it was the right thing, just knew I didn't want to have not tried.

Bollocks. Children need a loving support network which doesn’t necessarily include a man. I’m sorry your experience was a negative one but I’m a single parent and love it.

It's good that I've struck a nerve, as it shows you know you're in the wrong.

Will your child regret it,is that a concern for you

A friend’s daughter got pregnant from ivf abroad with donor sperm. It’s been an unmitigated disaster. She never bonded properly, she regretted doing it before he was even born but it was too late by then, she has two nannies so she never has to be alone with him, despite that she has very high expectations of her mum and other relatives and often says they owe her support as she’s a single mum, it’s so hard, he’s exhausting, she bitterly regrets the whole thing. Her son struggles with his behaviour, probably from feeling his mum resents his existence, so they struggle to maintain friendships with other people. My friend is tearing her hair about but there’s nothing she can do.

Exactly what I was thinking. I find it very disturbing that the OP doesn't even think to ask how the children of sperm donors (or other non-conventional routes) feel, just the mothers.

@JNicholson many people don’t consider that though. Most posts always seem to focus on what the woman wants, very few people ever mention the child.

And I speak as an adopted person, so very much always see it as putting the child’s perspective first.

I have. 39 yr old sister who has swithered about adopting as a solo parent but not fully committed as yet. She's the most amazing aunt to our kids, they adore her. I think in some ways she's fine it harder than expected because the emotional weight of parenting is very different to that of auntying even if you're amazing at all the practical parts. Also the enormity of a small human always in your space and always needing you if you've been used to living alone as an adult can I think be as daunting as a partner living with you for the first time. Would I advise her to do it? Absolutely! And we'd happily sign paperwork to take on any beice or nephew left parentless by tragedy. As would our other siblings. But could I imagine her regretting it at some point? If course, the loss of freedom etc is difficult even in a couple.

Don’t forget that a child has the right to know their father. Don’t just think about what you want, think about what your resultant child will want. It’s not just about you

A few potentially difficult questions that might be worth asking yourself when weighing it up:

Who would care for your child if you died prematurely or became incapacitated? Children with two parents can and do sometimes become orphaned under very sad circumstances, but losing two parents is less likely to happen than losing one. Is there an obvious and appropriate guardian who would be genuinely happy to step up, or would you be OK with local authority care as the backup plan?

Would you be hoping to meet a partner after having the child, and if so how old would you feel your child would need to be? What sort of relationship would you be hoping for, and how would you envisage the longer-term relationship between him and your child? More like a parental role or more like a step-parent?

What sort of answer would you plan to give if (and when) your child comes home from school or nursery and asks why they don't have a father/where their father is?

Do you believe it matters that children should have both male and female role models in their lives? If so, do you have any appropriate male figures around you (e.g. a brother, grandfather, cousin etc) who might want to be involved enough to help supply that?

Children need a father, not a sperm donor

Thank you for your honesty, so much better with 2 committed parents who are in it together

Disagree, my experience is different.
Lonely, isolating and financially a struggle

A friend of mine did it alone. She is happier than I have ever seen her, which is nice after years of seeing her messed around by men. She does benefit from a lot of support from family. She lives close to her parents and sister who regularly take child overnights and are involved in daily routine.

A friend of mine did it but she’s on the other side of the world so apart from a decent amount of introspective instagram posts I don’t really know how she’s coping. I know that she refers to her Mum as her co-parent though, and the grandparents are heavily involved. Do you have that kind of support?

FWIW I have one toddler DS and while I can’t control the future I absolutely wouldn’t want to be doing it alone and am therefore very aware of not letting our relationship slide as so often happens when DC arrive.

Yes, but I went into it as a lone dad, there were a number of lone mums and dads in my local adoption group. Personally for me it was one of the best decisions I ever made (although there were times when I was ill etc when I didn’t feel that way for a few hours). You don’t need to be rich, just secure, you need a decent support network, that doesn’t have to be family, mine was some close friends. I now have a second, but with a partner. For me both are great, and its lovely seeing our two with their Papa, but it was a huge adjustment giving parental control to someone else as I was used to being the only decision maker.

Can you identify what about being a lone parent doesn’t appeal to you personally and what worries you might have?

One of my good friends is a solo parent - she went down the sperm donor route and has just had her second. She was absolutely determined to do this for years and has no regrets. She doesn’t have family nearby so I think things must be tough at times, as she never has any child free time other than when she’s at work. She works part time and rents, so gets UC top ups which massively help.

just here to strongly advise you to consider working 4 days a week and having a day off to yourself when child is in nursery/school.

I know two women who have had children via sperm donors and IVF and do notice that both of them lean heavily on friends and family, to the extent that there has been some resentment. (In theory this could apply equally to single parents where the other parent isn't in the picture, but most single mums do seem to have at least some support/co-parenting available from their ex, plus you'd be going into it by choice.) So it strikes me that the "have your village" advice up-thread is good but also to be treated with a bit of caution unless it's a village that you plan to include a lot of paid-for help, because in reality it's tough being totally on your own and family and friends can get fed up with always being fallback carers for a child they didn't choose to have (while not feeling able to say no because they also know there isn't anyone else to help).