To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

I don't ask for opinions or advice on MN anymore. A small number of people will try to help, others will always find a way of causing hurt or an argument. I wish you well for the future.

Because for most people (not privileged) its not that simple, just to decide to have a family! Unless you are reliant on someone else to pay, ie rich husband or the state. Its nice for a LOT of women to be independent and make their own career, not just exist, reproduce and freeload.

I'm glad someone has posted some reality here. 39 is advanced maternal age and there's little benefit of glossing over that.

Totally up to them then isn't it ? But then you can't cry about it when you get to 40 and think about doing solo IVF and it's fraught with controversy and difficulty. You make your choices.

Another factor I’d really recommend looking into to inform your decision at 39+ is the risks both for you & baby.

At 40 if you did manage to fall pregnant & stay pregnant you’re more likely to have issues during pregnancy like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, high blood pressure etc, you’re also more likely to need a c section. None of those things are deal breakers but it depends on the support you have available & finances- if you were to have a really tough time, do you have a support network to get you through it?

Equally at your age you have a higher chance of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities, aside from that I’d think about how you’d cope (or not) if you had a child with additional needs. How would you get by if you were unable to work because you had a child who couldn’t be in nursery/school, ever live independently, what would that look like for you? It’s the dice you roll with any pregnancy of course but the risks are higher for you, and those things are tricky to manage in a household with two parents & incomes, what would be your plan to manage that solo?

Again, neither are immediate deal breakers but it’s worth considering how you’d cope with every scenario.

Or.... You could think about starting before you're almost 40? Middle ground somewhere isn't there ?

Slightly different but I chose to continue an unplanned pregnancy when the father wanted no involvement. It has been the best thing I've ever done. I'm sure most people would rather exist than not have ever been made. Don't listen to judgy people because most of them hate their husbands and just have nasty things to say. If you have the love and support around you then do it.

Career focused? Yes how selfish to want to make enough money to support a family before you have kids!! Have them young and get magic money trees to pay instead 👏

Hey OP i have recently become a single Mum, by choice. I definitely don't regret it i couldn't live my life the way it was (that's another story) now I am completely free, I can do what I want to MY house, I get to have my gorgeous son all to myself yes it is hard work at times and I often crave me time but overall it's liberating 😍

Friend of a friend did it, was diagnosed with cancer just before the birth of baby (at 45), died when the baby was 3. Baby taken into care as the mother was an only child and parents too elderly to have her. Honestly the bleakest thing I’ve ever heard.

If you do go it alone, make sure you’ve got a support network and have considered what will happen if the worst case scenario happened.

Bit of a silly response op...

Why did you not think of your desire to be a mother earlier? Or were you entirely career focused and then thought about it way too late ? It's getting a very common story on here ....

Or they may not. And also the same thing could be said about children who do know who their fathers are but have no contact or kids who are adopted. I actually think that having a parent completely reject you could be far more damaging. I have worked with lots of kids damaged and hurt by the actions and attitudes of their fathers and mothers.

No one can predict the future and say exactly how this child may feel about their identity. All OP can consider is if she can give a child a stable and loving home.

I am a single mother by choice and don't regret it at all. I talk a lot with my children about how families come in all shapes and sizes. What makes a family isn't about what members it contains, it's about everyone loving each other. I would not have had it any other way.

Also seeing friends and family go through horrific separations with some of the dads just meeting someone else and disappearing, that's much more traumatic for the kids. There's no way of guaranteeing that, just because you start off in a relationship/with a coparent, it will stay that way.

39 is quite on the older side to suddenly start thinking about this...

By the time you look into it and proceed and actually start the IVF process and potentially get pregnant, then give birth , you're looking at 42-43. Then the likelihood is you'll have an only child with no siblings with an older mother.

Personally, I think it's potentially selfish.

@Praying4Peacea drunkard is hardly a father.

@Mewling depending on the circumstances that child will have link to genetic parents. Wasn’t created purposely to be adopted and have no link to them. To create a child purposely to have no link to genetic parent is not thinking about the child.

I know someone, and they love it. She’s also older, and has a six month old.

I think to a large degree this is about how what the family unit looks like is changing. If people are focused on having a mum and dad in primary caregiver roles and feel that it’s a bad thing not to have that, they’ll be burdening their child with the same worldview.

My friend adopted her DC. She has provided them with a loving home environment without a traditional father figure. Instead, they are wrapped in love from a huge support network which includes men and women of all shapes, sizes and denominations. They are thriving.

I chose to take ds and leave ex. I suppose I could have stayed if I was prepared to put up with extreme drunkenness and contempt.

I have never regretted leaving. It was the right thing to do. Ds is a happy secure cheerful teen.

But the mother can be delighted with her choice and the child still struggle immensely with their sense of identity from not having a father or knowing their father.

Sad again that you see a child-focused response as "shitstirrers... whose main aim is to hector the OP." Please think of the child and not yourself.