To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

Personal attacks to the OP not me, from you and another poster. I said one of your posts was irrelevant (I should have added in my opinion) i didn't say nobody cares.

I wouldn't rely on egg freezing tho. The success rate is abysmal. I just used a good old fashioned turkey baster but I was over the age for NHS help. Pregnant first time. Baby is 6 and we're having a ball

Do you know what a 'personal attack' is ? (I'm assuming you do as you called someone an arsehole and told me nobody cares about my opinion) Although, I don't think you'll find you've had direct insults slung at you.

I know a girl who split with her long term boyfriend and got pregnant with a sperm donor.
since then she got back with the boyfriend and I’ve always wondered (but would never ask) how he feels about it?
she doesn’t live with the boyfriend and I know she finds it hard being a single mom. She has a very supportive mother too.
things to consider

do you have help if you get flu/d and v? Or are in hospital?
can you manage financially alone? Is your job secure?

Nobody is making her feel shit.

People are talking of the realities of her decision. Others have counteracted with some opinions on favour of it. All angles are covered.

That's what informed choice is.

You were unnecessarily rude by stating "nobody cares about your irrelevant opinions" (if that's the case : don't ask for opinions on a forum. Instead state "this is my decision, can I hear some positive stories please ") I'd argue my points were also not irrelevant. If op had posted the latter title : my points may indeed have been irrelevant.

You called another poster and "a-hole" : childish personal attack. Hardly a reasoned debating skill.

You carry on with your personal attacks both of you if it makes you happy.

Yes. I imagine it hits a raw nerve around their regretful life choices...

My friend had a child by sperm donor. Lovely childhood for the little one, but as he's grown up he has really struggled with his identity - who was his dad/ethnicity/sense of belonging. All questions she can't fully answer. This has made adolescence, which I'm sure would be tricky anyway, much tougher. He is angry about it.

Conversely, I work with looked after young people, and adoptees know (usually) their og families and their stories. Of course, being adopted, (and it can be very successful) throws up all kinds of different issues, but I'm just mentioning these two avenues because these are the most likely options for going down the single parent route by choice.

The most 'calm' (I guess I use that word because there is not so much extraneous noise around the choice) sp that I know is someone who had a child with a gay friend, and that friend is very much the father, although they don't live together. i.e., the child knows exactly who the dad is/heritage/familial traits/dad's side of the family is very involved etc. and is/OR appears at least! much more secure as a result.

I guess my point is, if you are a solo parent because the dad is a deadbeat, or had an affair or whatever, the child still knows where they came from, perhaps has contact with granny on dad's side, can be cross with the deadbeat dad, can make choices around their identity (eg, I'm not going to turn out like that, or whatever). But their core identity is not in question.

Yeah, basically think about the child's wellbeing in all of this and don't underestimate how tricky it might be to navigate their origin story.

I’m not sure how the very real statistics, facts & increased risks to both mother & baby at 40+ are irrelevant to be honest?

As I say I’m not saying they are complete deal breakers, but they are absolutely something to consider depending on what support & money you have available. If you have no support system & tight finances then you would find yourself very stuck very quickly if you were to have a difficult pregnancy, birth, postpartum period, life with child.

As another note though OP if you do have a limited support system then it’s worth having a look at what support is available in your area for single parents via family hubs etc. There isn’t much where we are but I do have a friend who lives down South and was able to access some help an hour a week when she had a newborn & also had more frequent HV visits to help her out which made a big difference to her.

I just dont see the point in deliberately making people feel shit about a situation they are already in!! She's not going to reverse it, she came on here looking for support from ppl in SIMILAR situations (read her posts) knocking her down for life choices and not being as privileged as other's is VERY RUDE. IMO

It shows up the "just do it!" crowd for what they are.

I know two women who have done this, both have supportive family who have helped but that would have happened anyway. Both are really happy about it, I think there comes a point when if you want children you just have to get on with it and make it happen. I don’t even think it’s been particularly difficult for them honestly. Women are left holding the baby or take on all child rearing responsibilities even though they have a partner so often is it even a question that needs answering.

If you're on the fence then freeze some eggs/embryos now. I didn't, then met someone, had a baby naturally at 42 and would have loved some of my younger eggs for a sibling

I'm reporting you. That's two extremely childish personal attacks. One to this poster and one to me

Being child-focused isn't shitstirring.

I know. What a rude and childish response from that poster.

I suppose on Mumsnet we all must agree to one narrative and have done with it else "nobody cares about your irrelevant opinions".

Well yes, the same is true of children who are adopted or whose fathers abandoned them. This is well-known. It's extremely important to consider these things and not just think about the impact on the adults.

Honestly, you are just shit stirring at this point. Children can be brought into all sorts of less than ideal situations either at birth or afterwards. Is not knowing your father/having a donor father worse than having a father that abandoned your mother and doesn’t care about you? Or having abusive parents? Having parents with ill health or no money or who are constantly fighting then end up getting divorced down the line? There are a range of less than ideal situations into which children are regularly born and in my opinion this child would be better off than many others out there by the sounds of it. Fair enough if you don’t agree with donor conception (fwiw I wouldn’t have done it either and I know I couldn’t have been a SMBC) but to suggest the OP isn’t considering the potential child’s interests is ludicrous as she’s clearly thought long and hard about this.

OP to answer your question I know one SMBC who regretted it, her child has special needs and her support system failed as her sister became very ill around the same time the child was born. She loves her child but openly says she wouldn’t do it all over again knowing how it turned out. I also know several other SMBC who are thriving (and had a friend growing up who was the child in this situation and she never questioned it or had any issues from what I saw. Now well adjusted and successful with a family of her own and still very close to her mum until she passed away last year).

Another one who adores being a single mum to a donor baby. It's a breeze. Men make everything worse.

Gosh so rude.

The OP has come on here asking for opinions...

@crumblingschoolsEveryone has a link to genetic parents, it’s just how much power that link is given. Again, I think this is about how you frame it to the child. You’re placing enormous emphasis on there being a father figure. That’s clearly your perspective of the family unit. But that’s not what every family looks like these days, and that’s not the bad thing you’re suggesting it is.

I know a woman your age who did it alone. It was a pretend oops baby though - pretended to be on the pill and the guy didnt stay with her. She must have known that was a risk.

Her life is pretty chaotic. She developed a long term health problem meaning she cant now work and ia frequently in hospital whilst her child is palmed off to whoever will have them. The poor child is developing anxiety due to the uncertainty and mum always being ill. He's primary age.

It's always a risk something will happen and there's no safety net.

Also do you want a partner ? It might be harder to meet someone if you have a child and you'd like a relationship.

You're just being silly now