To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

The thing about the “child needs a Father brigade”. A Father is great but I see women and men excuse awful behaviour and tell us “they can still be good Fathers”. I disagree! I watched Breaking the Silence Kate’s Story on ITV hub last night. These men are all the same. The women in this were all intelligent professionals dealing with frankly disturbed men who wanted to see their children, but had often been convicted of raping and beating their ex wives half dead. Yes these children are all better off without seeing their Fathers. Until this just being male makes you a Father and we start having far higher expectations of men women will and should have children alone, rather than settle for bad men (which there is a lot of unfortunately).

I don’t think there’s enough men in their 30s ready, willing and emotionally mature to settle down, so the result is the poor behaviour we read about on the relationship boards. Let’s be honest a great deal of women are tolerating bad relationships in return for a family, they move in, do 50/50 financially whilst doing the housework. The man knows the dynamic will shift when a child comes along and won’t step up and so will often waste the woman’s time. We need to change the guilt ridden mindset of “a child needs a Father” to a child needs “Love, care, full commitment and devotion”. Who can deliver this the best?

Name changed for this thread - but my mum is a single mum, never met my father, not on the birth certificate as I don’t think he and my mum were ever “together” also my mum was older and had me at 38 or 39 I think. Realise it’s different for everyone however since some people mentioned different perspectives of children only knowing one side of their family/ history. I’m an adult now, have never had any identity crises or actually any interest in my biological father’s side - none of them have ever reached out but if they did I’d probably just send a polite “thanks but no thanks” message and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything growing up. My mum also never had another relationship so other than my uncle I grew up (now early 30s) without any in-house male role model.

I think this really depends, my friends who are SMBC have certainly found it much harder to date for a few reasons really.

Lack of time to actually form relationships or date I know is a big issue for both of them, because there isn’t another parent doing a % of care or every other weekend for example to give you that guaranteed time off, they don’t have that regular childcare and they also need to arrange childcare for absolutely anything they want to do, a gym class, cinema with a friend etc so they have both found it isn’t really possible to commit enough time to building a relationship. They can’t go on dates every Saturday, or even every other Saturday, the childcare options they do have they also have to use for other things so it’s really been difficult for them to form any kind of relationship, it’s hard to do if you can only arrange a date once a month.

I know both of them have also hit issues when they have tried to start forming relationships, one being that because there isn’t a dad in the picture men have felt a pressure to be that figure although my friends have never expected that or said that is what they would like, whereas if there is a dad at least that “role” is filled. Another has found men have been put off by the reality of dating a SMBC for these reasons, only being available to date once or twice a month, no flexibility to make plans or do things unless prepared to also have a child tag along etc.

Also, re dating as a single mother, I actually think it would be easier to date as a SMBC than a single mother with an ex still in the picture. Meaning a man is more likely to want to date a woman who is a SMBC than one with their ex still in the picture? But that's just something I think - nothing really to base it on apart from discussions with male friends who agree!

Wow there's been a lot of negativity since I last posted.. just wanted to add a few more comments, both for OP, and to counteract some of negative posts!

Firstly, I think it's a typical patriarchal type response to say "why have you left it so late - busy focusing on your career" etc.. that is something that the patriarchy would say to imply women shouldn't be focusing on their careers and instead should be focusing on having babies younger etc. I'm sure OP did not get to where she was with her head buried in the sand thinking it would all be fine later like it seems often the media etc have you believe! If it's anything like my path, I have desperately wanted to be a mother my whole life and sadly have had two long term relationships where the man changed their mind about having children. Of course I then stayed in each one (when they were dithering/unsure) longer than I ought to BECAUSE of the fear of wanting to not be too old to meet someone else and I wanted any children to have two parents! But it's bloody lucky I also have a career so I can (financially at least) not have to rely on a man.. a lot of women on here seem to be fine with expecting their partner or the state to pay towards raising their child. At least if I become a SMBC I'm not planning on having to do that.

I also wonder if all the people who are saying how bad it is to deny a child a father by going down the sperm donor route, are also as critical of women who have children with abusive partners or just generally rubbish ones who leave/one night stands or whatever. There appear to be a huge amount of crap dads on here so why don't we blame the women for "choosing" that person to have children with and giving their child a bad father? (I don't actually think we should blame women at all, but just playing devil's advocate here).

In my friendship circles, it's the most accomplished women who seem to be single later - because they're more picky and wanting to find a man who matches them and will be a good father. Sadly, the way society is is that these men are very few and far between - men who fully want to be on board with raising a child and splitting it 50/50. Is it better to have a baby with any man just so that the child has a father they can trace their biological links to? I don't think so.

I'm undecided (as the OP is) about proceeding with a sperm donor route to actually have a baby (although I am proceeding with freezing embryos to give me more options in future) but I think the points that have been raised are all valid. A few additional things I think it is important to think about is how many half siblings there might be. I was originally looking at European sperm banks as you get far more info such as baby photos, self portraits sometimes, recordings of their voice etc.. but then the family limits are much higher. And in the USA you even get adult photos. Whilst I felt like it was going to help ME choose a donor, I realised the most important thing was to consider it from the child's perspective. And these clinics have much higher family limits (some of the USA ones don't even appear to have limits!) And it would likely be harder for the child to grow up with many half siblings etc (and perhaps speaking a different language to the sperm donor/half siblings etc). So I've gone with a UK donor as they have a 10 family limit, plus speak English (I chose an English donor) and another thing that was important for me is that they have said that their door is always open for the child to contact them and they wrote a nice letter to the child. In addition, you only get paid minimal expenses in the UK as sperm donor so I know it's unlikely to be financially motivated. I am as comfortable as I can be that I have chosen a "good" donor for any potential child.

I also agree that you need to let the child know from the very beginning that they are donor conceived.

I actually think the fact you are considering all of this OP, means you're much likely to be a great mother if you end up proceeding.

I know it’s not a regret story but sharing anyway - I have two children solo by choice and whilst I’m relatively early on in the journey I’ve found that a decent number of my friends have been amazed by how I seem to have found some of it easier than they did with a partner because I don’t have those whole other relationship to navigate. There are definitely disadvantages (being ill whilst pregnant with an ill toddler and having to cope was one, another was when a week after my c section the lift broke down and I had to work out how to manage up and down loads of stairs with a toddler and a newborn). However, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I don’t have much family but do have a sister who would take the kids and love them if I got run over by a bus (the one thing I wouldn’t have done it without as I lost a parent very young), some close friends and the finances to get paid help / not have to worry too much about the fact that it is clearly going to impact my career. I also don’t plan to date seriously whilst they are kids having had a terrible step parent experience myself.

A daughter who'll know that romantic partnerships aren't necessary and so won't throw herself under a bus trying to make one work

I am an SMBC with a 9 year old DS. I don’t regret, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but solo parenting is relentless and lonely for sure. A supportive network is key. I found mat leave a joy but when I returned to work and was in childcare, I realised how isolated we were - if I was delayed on my commute to the crèche, there was literally no one else to pick him up. No back up whatsoever. So I relocated to my hometown to be close to family support. It was a massive help.

My career hasn’t suffered - in fact, I’ve been promoted twice since having him. But my company values me and they definitely make allowances for the fact that I’m a single mum so I’m very fortunate in that way. The extra money makes a big difference.

I would say my health and fitness has suffered which worries me. Self care has been at the bottom of the priority list since he was born and that has taken its toll. I had him at 39 and dealing with perimenopause and awful fatigue now, I can’t imagine having a younger child. It’s been years since I’ve had a broken nights sleep because of my DS and I’m very glad of that. I have friends (in relationships) parenting under 5s and it looks exhausting.

I know a good network of SMBC - I don’t know any that openly regret it but some find it harder than others for sure. Especially if the child has additional needs. Virtually all of the women are resilient and independent to start with.

From the research I’ve done of donor conceived adults would suggest that knowing as a child that you are DC is very important. The ones who find out as adults are generally very angry (a straight couple where the man was infertile but child passed off as biologically his). There doesn’t seem to be the same negative emotions from those growing up knowing which is the case with SMBC, but there is a strong desire to know their genetic history. So choosing a solvent sperm bank with solid record keeping and a DC network (to link half siblings) is really important. Although the popularity of genetic testing is helping people find their genetic links without going to the banks. I wouldn’t be overly concerned about angry DC teenagers - I grew up in a two parent “normal” family and was a very angry teenager who said hurtful things to my parents - it goes with the territory. I was worried about bullying in school - but nothing thankfully so far, just curiosity from friends who couldn’t understand how you get a baby without a dad.

I’m lucky that my son’s donor only donated for a short time and the other families are in another country. We have linked up and it will be up to my son if he pursues relationships with his half siblings. I know some SMBCs where there seems to be a relatively large number of half siblings and some in our small country so that’s something to consider. I do find the thought of that quite unsettling.

sorry for long post. It’s complex. I know some SMBC who underwent counselling before making the decision to sure. In some ways, you grieve the dream you had of a family with a partner.

oh and I don’t know any SMBC who are in romantic relationships. Very hard to have the time and headspace for that.

Duplicate post

You wouldn’t have conceived without a man.

Are you bringing up a son who'll know you hate all men or a daughter who’ll inherit your issues?

I'm a lone parent of 4 year old twins, not through choice sadly but I am divorced from their father and he nor his family have any contact and this has been the way since they were born. I have no family apart from my sister, we live 30 mins apart and she offers emotional support and financial support when I've been desperate.
For me the hardest things are those that have already been mentioned, lack of support and the financial difficulty of bringing up children on one income. I do not regret having my children but it is incredibly hard.
My twins were great babies and I found things restively easy but as they have moved through the toddler years and the challenges that brings I have found things more difficult and very tiring as there is absolutely no down time. My boys are very energetic, they are on the go from 6.30am until 7.30pm and being one person to meet all of their needs all day every day becomes alot. There is no space for "you" if you do not have people around you that will step in and allow you to have time for yourself. I do have a group of friends and I am sure they would help if I asked but I don't like to ask as I feel they have their own lives, jobs and children to deal with.
It can feel very suffocating when you have no downtime from being a parent, no lie ins, no quiet time to just sit and be, and when you do have any child free time it's a stressful rush trying to fit in all the things you need to do that aren't possible with them in tow.. I work when the boys are in school and have to plan when I can see a GP or the dentist or anything else in the small windows of time without them then I work those hours back in the evening. My overall take is that lone parenting is relentless and you can't understand how hard that is until you have a child as there is no comparison. I am also an older mum, I was 43 when I had them, navigating peri menopause with small children is also very difficult and I am conscious that they may still be young adults when I die, I do have a DD 17 so they will have someone when I'm no longer here. I also haven't had to cross the bridge of explaining their lack of a father to them yet which is another thing to deal with.
I hope my post isn't negative as I do love my children and I don't regret having them but in my case having them has made my life alot harder and poorer than it might have been. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Just to add got an amazing support network

I'm a single mother not by choice but I do miss male company and hoping one day I'll meet someone

This.

You need a break. I say this as someone who had first DC with parents who took them overnight frequently. And subsequent DC who they never have had overnight. And that, frankly has nearly killed me off. I haven't slept properly, or woken up when I would have had enough sleep, for 6 years.

It's ok because I have DH to share the load with. But I'm so tired. We both are.

Parents have just reached the age they dont want grandchildren sleeping over, and that's fine, it's their prerogative.

However, don't underestimate how hard parenting is, and if you never, ever get a break from it, yes it's fucking relentless and not the best fun. And if you've gone to the extent of having a baby this way, then have to rely on family and friends to give you a break, you may well find, as pp says , resentment creeping in. Either from you thinking, why the hell did I do this to myself, when they won't provide you with childcare and you're running on empty, or from them, thinking why's she gone to this effort to have a child only to expect us to look after it for her.

I’m a single mum by choice, to pre-school twins.

It’s difficult, since as someone above said, you’re always “on”. Apart from when I’m in work, I’m with them every second of the day, and never ever get a break. I’ve no time for exercise, much grooming or looking after my health.

It had had zero impact on my career - in fact my career has skyrocketed since I had them. I’m lucky that I work from home and am senior, so can do every pre-school drop-off and some pickups. I have a nanny who also pickups and looks after them till I finish work.

Another thing I find difficult, is that the twins don’t see me converse with another adult much. In the evenings when my nanny goes, it’s just us and some days their hobbies. At the weekend it’s just us, except when I meet with friends/family. But day to day, most of the time it’s just us. So when I do converse with other people they don’t like it and interrupt, since they’re used to my full attention.

Find the Donor Conception Network.

They used to (pre Covid? Haven’t checked since) run networking events and weekend seminars for thinkers and triers. It was really helpful for me to meet other women and those who had done it.

It is totally up to people when and who they have kids with. And plenty of women on here chose to have kids with crappy men who turned out to be shit dads. Do they get to cry about their situation because they made that choice at 30 which was the right age?

The point is every child has the potential to grow up with a complex about their parents. Yet it doesn't stop the vast majority of people having kids. The bigger question should be is she emotionally capable of supporting and navigating the child through it.

You could never regret your child however I have had my 18-year-old screaming and crying. Why did you have me? I wish you’d aborted me.
And this is when I split up with her father when she was six weeks old.
She looks at the life. Her siblings have with two parents and she’s so distraught she doesn’t have that.
Even though I’m not even with him anymore

Well I got pregnant and dumped straight away so son wouldn’t know his Father is they passed in the street and hasn’t met his paternal side. I also have no family support as they’re dead. I was 30 when I gave birth.

A newborn baby was a shock to me and I was exhausted and did too much, working, newborn and dog, no support. I found childhood hard and I did struggle to bond very early on but I suspect that was more due to the abuse of the previous relationship. As he got older I really came to love being a Mum. My son is just so loving,respectful and protective of me, like no man has been before to me. He’s now 18 and off to university which I welcome as he needs to become his own man and grow and I need to have some time for me back, friends and fun and I’m still young enough to do it. I never dated, how could I? My son was with me all the time.

i think more women will be like me in years to come. I look back on relationships and see I was vulnerable looking for stability and family and frankly I had a huge amount to offer these men yet was treated with disrespect and them being on the main chance to exploit me financially emotionally and psychically. Once you’ve been on the receiving end of such inadequate men full of their own importance with no real life goals of their own you realise that would’ve been a shit life. My sons Father that thought he was superior and who claimed his “potential wealth” will be more than mine so gave him the right to call me a gold digger. He lives in a mortgaged house half the price of the one I own outright and his children are highly unlikely to get into a top university or have the sporting achievements my son has got. I know why, children suffer and don’t reach their potential when they have abusive impulsive men as Fathers.

It was a very hard road but I am so proud of my son. I don’t think there are good men are about to raise well adjusted children with. I’ve dated plenty men whilst I was younger most went on to have no children despite insisting they wanted them in their mid to late 30s.. Some did but they had nothing to offer me and still in my DMs after decades and have wives, which doesn’t make me think they are good husbands. I’ve met good men and fathers through my sons hobbies but somehow when dating I’ve met many men who I feel sorry for their children and are just totally inadequate and I would rather not having anything to do with them if I were their child. Selfish and pathetic men who don’t even have good manners with women let alone respect.

Lots of men were raised by single mothers after the war things were fine. Having a good father is a wonderful thing but unfortunately most of men out there are not cut out for it or don’t want it. I’m sure my son would’ve liked some amazing man as a Father, but I suspect there’s generational trauma and entitlement in a lot of these men.

See in my own experience I’d say the biggest group of people who regret being parents are those with either no support/very limited support, or very limited money.

That support doesn’t necessarily have to be a husband of course but there is a reason they say it takes a village. The people who find being a parent so incredibly difficult, in my own experience, are the people who are doing everything alone or with very little support, and lots of those people are under huge financial pressure as a result of being the sole earner & having to pay for any support they do get (childcare, babysitters, after school clubs etc).

It makes a huge difference especially in the first year, but even beyond that, to have someone at home who can give you that break every day. Someone who just takes over while you have a bath, go to a gym class, go for dinner or a drink with a friend, have a nap even. Not having that would make it so much harder because then you truly do not have a break, so support, or the finances to be able to pay for support, I’d say is the biggest deal breaker in your experience of being a parent.

Oh wait, I can't quote it as it's rightfully been deleted

Agree, no support system and limited money would make it tricky, you'd have to be one hell of a Mum!

I think you'll find you did... I'll quote it shall I ?

Wise words.

For what it’s worth, I think a lot of the people who regret being a parent fall into one of two camps:

• Those who did it because that’s just what you do, not because they searched their soul and decided they absolutely needed to have children.
• Those who did it with a useless or abusive partner, and are now stuck parenting with them for 18+ years.

You are none of these people. There are a couple of books that you might find inspiring - Panic & Joy by Emma Brockes and Liv’s Alone by Liv Thorne.