To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

JNicholson · 2025-08-12T11:22:50+00:00

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too. Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 15/08/2025 23:55

Have to say, OP, if you're trying to be polite you've got a very long way to go. As evidenced by the fact that Mumsnet deleted one of your posts, it was so rude.

DonorConceivedMe · 14/08/2025 20:16

crumblingschools · 13/08/2025 00:11

Don’t forget that a child has the right to know their father. Don’t just think about what you want, think about what your resultant child will want. It’s not just about you

As a donor conceived person, I agree 100%.

Original poster

JNicholson · 14/08/2025 20:13

Having just had a sift through this thread to find the posts that actually addressed my question, I’m massively grateful to the large number of people who have left long, thoughtful and thought-provoking replies about their own experiences or the experiences of people they know with single parenthood. It’s helped to answer my specific question (yes, there are some SMBC who regret it) but also been really insightful in a broader way. Sending thanks to all of you.

OP posts:

Original poster

JNicholson · 14/08/2025 17:49

I’m trying to be polite here, but could the people who want to discuss the history of manhood and fatherhood PLEASE create their own thread and move that discussion to it? I think it’s unbelievably rude to come on a thread where the OP has asked for information about a specific topic, and advice from a specific set of people, and fill it up with post after post that is tenuously related at absolute best. It’s not just rude to the OP (me in this case), it’s rude to the posters who have taken the trouble to share relevant replies and personal life experiences and whose posts are getting drowned out by discussion that belongs on a different thread.

OP posts:

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 14/08/2025 17:17

Culturally the hard fact is that it's acceptable for men to abandon children. 49% of fathers who live separately don't see their children regularly and 1 in 10 never see their children at all. Not sure how the figures have changed in the last years but it's hard to believe it's improved. (Hope I'm wrong).

A proportion of those should absolutely not have contact and there may be unusual circumstances for a few more, but for no less than half of non-resident fathers to not regularly see their kids means that frankly the cultural expectation just isn't there. The hard fact of the matter is that the moral aspect of it, or the plain fact that most children need their father, doesn't motivate them enough.

https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/nov/20/non-resident-dads-relationship-children

Dads that don't live with their children: how many stay in touch?

When it comes to non-resident fathers, policymakers don't know much. But new statistics show who they are and what kind of relationship they have with their children

https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/nov/20/non-resident-dads-relationship-children

snughugs · 14/08/2025 12:06

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 11:33

Well, I look at the men today who have rejected going to church on a Sunday and I’m not seeing remarkable improvement.
Maybe we’ve peaked and this is it
But men before they were peer pressured and Society expected them to attend Church were horrific. And have improved.

Show quote history

I think they’re more implying a lot of men face shame and accountability in the past. There were expectations if he got someone pregnant to do the right thing ( yes not ideal to just couple up as you’re pregnant). There would’ve been great shame for abandoning a child. I also remember on one of those who do you think you are BBC thing that years ago the church would try and publicly chase up absent Fathers for payment to their children. They were also expected to be the breadwinner, there was certainly more responsibility placed on men in those days. The pill, legal abortion and the welfare state changed things. Then of course Maggie thatcher brought in CSA and we were left hearing sad tales of men feeling suicidal having to pay maintenance.

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 11:39

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 11:33

Well, I look at the men today who have rejected going to church on a Sunday and I’m not seeing remarkable improvement.
Maybe we’ve peaked and this is it
But men before they were peer pressured and Society expected them to attend Church were horrific. And have improved.

Show quote history

No.

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 11:33

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 11:30

I reject your basic premise that going to a church on Sunday made men better partners and fathers. It's clearly not true.

Show quote history

Well, I look at the men today who have rejected going to church on a Sunday and I’m not seeing remarkable improvement.
Maybe we’ve peaked and this is it
But men before they were peer pressured and Society expected them to attend Church were horrific. And have improved.

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 11:30

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 11:27

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what stepped in to replace it …. Social media is doing an amazing job of educating the masses into being in good people isn’t it?

Show quote history

I reject your basic premise that going to a church on Sunday made men better partners and fathers. It's clearly not true.

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 11:27

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 10:51

I miss the laugh reaction.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts on what stepped in to replace it …. Social media is doing an amazing job of educating the masses into being in good people isn’t it?

itsanicenight · 14/08/2025 10:59

I have 3 children solo. It's hard and I struggle and have moments that I feel I have taken on more than I can do but I honestly can't say I regret it even when it's incredibly hard

I knew it wouldn't be easy but I couldn't imagine my life without kids and now I'm 40 and still single I'm very glad I took the plunge and had my family

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 10:51

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 10:50

I’m not sure if you’re serious?
Family members have done an entire PhD on the impact of the church and the clergy on education welfare social reform peer pressure. I’ll dig it out for you shall you can read all 1500 pages. And let me know your thoughts

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I miss the laugh reaction.

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 10:50

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 10:48

What's the evidence for that?

Show quote history

I’m not sure if you’re serious?
Family members have done an entire PhD on the impact of the church and the clergy on education welfare social reform peer pressure. I’ll dig it out for you shall you can read all 1500 pages. And let me know your thoughts

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 10:48

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 09:42

It’s all relative. Actually, there was collective and community accountability.

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What's the evidence for that?

Mewling · 14/08/2025 10:35

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 08:40

This used to be the role of the church basically once a week on a Sunday they all had to turn up clean and sober to a place to account for their weekly misdemeanours whatever they might be.
Whether they were given a book to read from and told how to bloody well behaved for the week ahead.
We’ve lost that and what’s it been replaced with?

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Sure, the church is a bastion of good behaviour.

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 09:42

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 09:40

It didn't work though, did it? Where is the evidence that men were any more better in those days?

Show quote history

It’s all relative. Actually, there was collective and community accountability.

Meadowfinch · 14/08/2025 09:42

Irotoyu · 13/08/2025 09:39

Slightly different but I chose to continue an unplanned pregnancy when the father wanted no involvement. It has been the best thing I've ever done. I'm sure most people would rather exist than not have ever been made. Don't listen to judgy people because most of them hate their husbands and just have nasty things to say. If you have the love and support around you then do it.

This.

RimTimTagiDim · 14/08/2025 09:40

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 08:40

This used to be the role of the church basically once a week on a Sunday they all had to turn up clean and sober to a place to account for their weekly misdemeanours whatever they might be.
Whether they were given a book to read from and told how to bloody well behaved for the week ahead.
We’ve lost that and what’s it been replaced with?

Show quote history

It didn't work though, did it? Where is the evidence that men were any more better in those days?

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 08:40

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/08/2025 16:16

@snughugs actually we need to change the mindset to "men need to be trained by society to be responsible, steady, involved and decent fathers and partners".

This used to be the role of the church basically once a week on a Sunday they all had to turn up clean and sober to a place to account for their weekly misdemeanours whatever they might be.
Whether they were given a book to read from and told how to bloody well behaved for the week ahead.
We’ve lost that and what’s it been replaced with?

Mrsttcno1 · 13/08/2025 17:44

snughugs · 13/08/2025 16:54

Impossible to do either so many enabling families. Most men like this have their behaviour encouraged by their families. My neighbour (a women and mother) believes if men change their mind about pregnancy they shouldn’t have to pay child support. She seems to hate women.

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I would really like to think the tide is turning on this, my husband is a great dad and partner despite being raised by really shitty parents and I do think my generation of dads & the next generation of dads are & will be better dads, more hands on dads than my parents & grandparents were for sure, paternity leave & shared parental leave etc, I really do hope this attitude is changing.

snughugs · 13/08/2025 16:54

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/08/2025 16:16

@snughugs actually we need to change the mindset to "men need to be trained by society to be responsible, steady, involved and decent fathers and partners".

Impossible to do either so many enabling families. Most men like this have their behaviour encouraged by their families. My neighbour (a women and mother) believes if men change their mind about pregnancy they shouldn’t have to pay child support. She seems to hate women.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/08/2025 16:16

@snughugs actually we need to change the mindset to "men need to be trained by society to be responsible, steady, involved and decent fathers and partners".

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 13/08/2025 16:13

@IsThePopeCatholic agreed with PP these words are very wise.

Some people are fine with not knowing their origins. But many many people have an itch and it goes to the core of who they are, an emptiness and uncertainty.

turkeyboots · 13/08/2025 13:25

I have a school friend who has had 2 children by herself. She has a wonderful employer, childcare on tap from her mother and was in her early 30s when she started. I think a key thing with her is that she never knew her father so having a father round for her kids wasn't critical for her.

Noelshighflyingturds · 13/08/2025 13:22

snughugs · 13/08/2025 13:19

The thing about the “child needs a Father brigade”. A Father is great but I see women and men excuse awful behaviour and tell us “they can still be good Fathers”. I disagree! I watched Breaking the Silence Kate’s Story on ITV hub last night. These men are all the same. The women in this were all intelligent professionals dealing with frankly disturbed men who wanted to see their children, but had often been convicted of raping and beating their ex wives half dead. Yes these children are all better off without seeing their Fathers. Until this just being male makes you a Father and we start having far higher expectations of men women will and should have children alone, rather than settle for bad men (which there is a lot of unfortunately).

I don’t think there’s enough men in their 30s ready, willing and emotionally mature to settle down, so the result is the poor behaviour we read about on the relationship boards. Let’s be honest a great deal of women are tolerating bad relationships in return for a family, they move in, do 50/50 financially whilst doing the housework. The man knows the dynamic will shift when a child comes along and won’t step up and so will often waste the woman’s time. We need to change the guilt ridden mindset of “a child needs a Father” to a child needs “Love, care, full commitment and devotion”. Who can deliver this the best?

💯
as a child in the 80s, who was forced to see their father. I can uncategorically confirm it is not always best decision.
We went to see our loving grandparents and he just happened to be there bullying us and making us cry at every opportunity when they weren’t watching.
The time when he kicked one of us stands out as a highlight