How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

He would. He’d outsource it

It’s not really so much that that is the issue, yes kids do have to be looked after. It’s the “my husband could not work without me”- yes, he could.

Men can & do walk away from kids, all he’d have to pay is child maintenance and after that OP is on her own, paying nursery bills etc while juggling work. Dad will still he off to work as normal and getting paid as normal, he’d end up with more money left over only paying CMS rather than funding an entire household.

Women fall into this trap of thinking that what they do keeps a man’s career running and actually as 1000’s of threads on here show, those men are perfectly fine and unaffected when they split. Being a SAHM is a totally valid choice, but it’s not essential and it’s naive to believe otherwise really.

I did all of the childcare during the day and worked at night (3 night shifts a week) when DH was at home.

What's the money you want to spend doing at the moment? Is it allocated to something or just sat in the bank?

If spending it would mean a lower holiday budget or your DH was planning to overpay the mortgage with it then it's unreasonable to expect it to be used for beauty treatments instead. If its frittered away on takeaways each month then you have more of an argument that self care is more important.

I do sympathise as I have a PT which I won't give up because of the health benefits she brings, but I pay for it out of my own fund rather than the household pot and forgo other things to pay for it, sometimes you can't have everything and have to make choices.

We both have exactly the same amount of personal spends. £250 in our case. It covers personal expenses but not healthcare. So not glasses, dentistry, gyms. Not petrol either.

You may be equally entitled to the shared funds, but he is also equally entitled to the shared funds - in other words, if either of you says 'no', the money stays put.

You have the agreed £400 each. You could argue that due to inflation you should both now get £500 or £600, and if he doesn't want to spend that on himself he can put it in personal savings in his own name.
But you can't argue that joint family funds should be spent on your personal beauty treatments; that would be a mis-use of family money.

Also, his Christmas gift to you should come out of his £400 and vice versa - presents to each other don't come out of family money, only presents for the children.

I suggest you need to learn to accept the way you look. You cannot stay young and beautiful forever. Your skin will age and get wrinkles and lines. This is life. You have to accept this or you will make yourself miserable.

What you can do are the obvious and low-cost or free things: exercise, sleep, water, healthy food, stay out of the sun, always use sun-screen, use a (cheap) moisturiser every time you wash your face, etc etc.

Save it for the “mummy makeover” you’ll no doubt want after baby 2.

I think this is tricky. £400 is about what I have for personal spends and I work. Although it covers my phone bill, personal savings, travel etc. I can’t afford Botox etc although I don’t particularly want it at the moment. Not sure how we would cover it. I think it would feel very awkward to use “family money” on it. I can see why DH feels it should come from personal spends.

Practically, can you not save up a bit of
your personal spends and have a treatment every 6 months or so? Prioritise that over something else?

Honestly just don’t engage with anyone who isn’t acting in good faith. It’s the usual ‘I do everything you do and work full time brigade!’ who are forgetting that they don’t do 8 hours of childcare during the working day.

there is economic value in providing full time childcare, which is why we have nursery bills.

kids need to be looked after. If you aren’t doing it yourself, it needs to be outsourced to nursery or a nanny at cost, unless family are providing free childcare

i am on mat leave but when i am working i unfortunately can’t leave my child in the garden with a fruit shoot and a potty.

Whatever our financial and work situation, DH and I have always, always had equal money to spend on ourselves - basically half each of what's left after everything else has been paid for or allocated. Sounds like that's what you're doing?

Does your DH contribute to your pension while you're not working? Where else is his pay going currently if he has equal spending money to you, i.e. if your 'allowance' was to increase, what pot is that going to come out of? Savings? Holidays? DC savings/activities/clothes? Christmas & birthdays?

If you want more money to spend on yourself then where else in your family finances would be impacted?

Do you genuinely believe what you just wrote?

Unless you’re divorcing you’re not entitled to any of his wages OP.

You mean old fashioned & sexist like a woman running the home and a man earning the money?😂

It's not something to be offended by if it applies to both parties and they agree to it though? It's just a way to budget. It's nice to have your own money, so you can buy presents etc without them knowing, and make your own private decisions on things.

The issue the OP has here is wanting expensive treatment (£200) that would use up half of her personal spends, so she'd rather it come out of the family account. I think that is a family decision if it's coming out of that bucket. Doesn't mean I think it should be a no - certainly my husband has said 'oh do buy that, take it out of family' to me before (I'm not a SAHM but same principles apply).

DH and I both have the same personal spends each month after bills, various savings etc, this month was £850 each, which is a lot, it can be more but we put extra into a holiday fund this month, however we both work full time. If I want things like beauty products they come out of my money not family money. In the same way I don't expect to see comic books and dungeons and dragons paraphernalia coming out of the joint account either. How much disposable personal income does your husband have each month? If it's the same yabu

It's quite normal for families to budget. And most families will allocate a certain amount to their own personal spending, which is not related to bills, or essential spending like food, or any child related spending.

If you have so much family money that you don't need to budget, or you are a frugal spender who spends well within limits, then you obviously don't need to do this. But most people can't just go and spend whatever they want without discussion with their partner.

It’s £400 per month just for her. He has allocated himself the same. It’s their agreed amount of personal money, everything else is family money. Many many couples do this.

I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me

And yet millions of families have two working parents, including shift workers and pilots

I think it should come from your own fund. Can you afford up the funds you each get? I assume he gets £400 a mth too?

most sahm aren't even spending £400 a month on beauty treatments etc though. It's a lot.

Might have been better to post this in style and beauty. Also op, if its a long term thing, have a look at home led masks and home microneedling pens and serum

Did you think your body would snap back to perfection post-baby? ... Surely as a grown up and an educated professional you must have anticipated this

I don't think first-time mothers in general have a clue as to how much their body will be negatively and permanently affected. It is not something that is talked about enough.

How much does DH spend on himself?

While Botox is not essential, being pregnant and giving birth is not nothing. He has not had to go through it, he has not had to lose weight as a result of it, he has not had the huge hormonal shift or been housebound for 6 months because of it, and yet he has these wonderful children all the same because you went through that, for the family. As a result I think he needs to show more appreciation for the very large sacrifice you made by going through pregnancy and child birth in the first place.

This is a huge, huge sacrifice and if you can afford Botox and want it to make up in some part for how being pregnant and giving birth has left you feeling, it’s the least he can do to not get in your way.

I am a similar age to you - working, but DH and I have a personal budget each. Mine is higher than his by mutual agreement, as I have expenses such as nails etc. that he doesn't. I am also planning on increasing the budget in the future for regular expense increases e.g. when my greys get too much for spot treatment and I need to start getting salon dyes.

So yes, I think that everything you mention should be personal budget - but I definitely wouldn't want to be tied to a figure agreed in my 20s. Costs will increase as you get older.

Finally, SAHP should always have an equal say in finances - you both agreed your family set-up.

You can do microneedling at home if you must. Far cheaper.

I can’t believe at 33 you need it though.