How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

Pooling money into a single pot and saying 'his money is my money' (and vice versa) can work for some couples, but only if they have similar values and spending habits, and there is broad agreement about priorities.

In OP's case, there is disagreement over priorities and different spending habits, so a single pot approach to family money won't work. It will cause tension and resentment.
This is why they need to stick to the 'personal allowance each' approach.

Personally I think there’s not enough information to say as it depends on your household income, level of savings and financial circumstances as well as what you and your husband agree about your household finances/ priorities.

E.g. Your household income is £150k per year, you own your home outright with no plans to move or use private schools and you have £250k in savings/ investments - personally I wouldn’t think spending £5k on yourself is a problem as long as your husband has the opportunity to do similarly.

OR Your household income is £80k, you have a £400k mortgage and £500 savings - In this situation I would stick to the £400 personal budget.

This. Your OP made me laugh out loud. 🙄

Perhaps if you go back to work, you'll stop wasting time and headspace worrying about your 'body image'.

As a single mum I spend £92 every six weeks on a haircut, and there are plenty who think that's excessive. I manage to do my own nails, brows and exercise while working full time.

If you’re paying £200 per micro-needling session then you’re being massively ripped off and I’m speaking as someone who spends a fortune on ‘self care’.

Micro-Needling, Botox and all the rest of it are not necessary expenditures that will improve the root cause of your mental health issues! If he was refusing to allow extra for private therapy sessions I’d agree with you. But why should family money go towards your vanity project?

He knows you wouldn’t let the kids down so would see them when he was off work. Paying an ex wife a percentage of your salary is much cheaper and easier than hiring childcare and having to do the drop off, pickups etc.

The reality of divorce is that men can say I’ll see the child once a month and the woman has to work round that because no woman is going to say the same and allow the child to go into foster care. If the man has female family or finds a new gf who will do childcare then he is able to go for more contact and reduce his child maintenance bill legally.

Considering what a difficult time you had last time, do you think it’s a good idea to have another child? You could end up needing even more costly support and if your h doesn’t want to pay now, then will he want to pay the extra next time? Things could go better too but if there’s a chance you’ll “need” to pay for more support then this argument is going to get worse.

Would you feel better if the money that you’d like to pay for beauty treatments was in a savings account or used for something useful like overpaying the mortgage instead?

And @Khor i agree with this. The job market is awful at the moment, the legal market is very very full. Please don’t overestimate how easy it will be to get a foot back in.

If this is the case I agree with your DH. Your beauty treatments and personal care should come out of your £400 spending money. You both have an amount to do what you choose to each month and yours should be spent on that. What do you normally spend your £400 on?

Sahm, I have £200 a month. I buy coffees and lunches out with the kids on joint account.

your treatments should come out your savings, they are fairly extravagant luxuries in my eyes.

My money goes on a hair or pedicure every now and then. Maybe some new clothes.

What's the childcare plan for those sort of hours when you go back to work?

If you split up, you’d arrange custody around his shifts and use paid childcare to cover any gaps while you work. If he’s long haul, he could change to short haul, and vice versa. Shift workers make it work.

similarly if you both work, you both arrange childcare around both of your jobs. How do I know? I am a lawyer and my husband is a pilot and we make childcare for our three under 6 work, with no support outside the immediate family.

Hi OP. Don't engage with people who can't grasp the concept of a SAHM. It's not your job to explain anything.

On the money front, I was a SAHM but we never did a 'personal allowance' thing. I just spent whatever I needed. His money is my money, no need to transfer anything. Obviously, I'd give him a heads up if I was planning to spend, say, £1000 (as he would me), but that's it.

It is not in your DH's gift to give you money because it's yours anyway! Allowances are patronising. OK, you agreed it once, but so what, now you don't. He should be happy you aren't depressed and taking care of yourself. So just tell him what you're doing (don't ask, tell him) because it makes no difference whether the money technically is your 'allowance' or whatever because it's all one and the same. That is what being married means! If he objects, tell him he can be the SAHD and you'll 'give' him £400.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

A bit off topic but are you are a solicitor? I think you might be ambitious about returning to a solicitor job with ease after several years out. Are you planning to return to law?

Im not sure you've said how old your child is but you're planning at least another 5 years out. Pregnancy plus not returning to work until second child is school age.

You'll be late 30s by then and out of the game for several years. You might be overestimating how easy it will be to go back to law given how much and how quickly things change. Why would they hire someone rusty when the profession is oversubscribed to saturation point.

I would go back now if you want back into the legal profession.

I don that have botox or anything and im a few years older. None of those treatments are necessary at your age.

Hi OP , my household budget would be in the lower bracket in comparison to yours I’d imagine but our money is pooled ,it’s family money those that are saying that your husband is providing a roof over your head and paying the bills which makes it his money ….I'm seething on your behalf. I can’t believe how your contribution to the family is being diminished ….what ever happened to women supporting women ? Your large financial contribution to the mortgage has reduced outgoings , no crèche fees etc . I’m having cosmetic work done on my teeth I’ve always wanted it done my husband is happy for it to come out of the family pot because it’s our money . Hold your position on this with your husband because you are not wrong . ❤️

If you are both happy with children can't you sit down and talk about it in a fair and good way , if l was your hubby it might be a good idea what one spends on differant things untill you are both at work again , is it not better to talk then you know both what is going on , all the best and stay happy and talk

I work and I don’t even spend 400 a month on myself

Yes. Lots of families with a pilot and a lawyer would have a nanny.

No- the child’s mum.

As I said, dad could walk away tomorrow and never do any childcare, no court could or would ever force a dad to actually look after their child. So he’d still be working as normal, earning as normal, paying you child maintenance but nothing more, and his life and career wouldn’t actually change.

It was fine. I slept when she slept and didn’t do consecutive nights. I did Friday and Saturday nights so I could catch up on sleep while she was with DH. I didn’t do all of the domestic stuff - that was shared.

When I was studying years later I’d stay up all night twice a week to study and then catch up while DD was at school.

Sorry, most men I know don’t go willingly

I think £400 is a really decent amount per month. If you like to spend just on beauty treatments then I think it’s ample, although I know when you start throwing clothes / new shoes into the mix it could get tight (but I’m a shopaholic) and I definitely used to spend too much on clothes.

As for some people giving negative connotations to the fact your husband gives that to you as a budget, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with it.

I’ve always been notoriously bad at saving , budgeting, spending and so I know that when I’m a SAHM my husband will likely give me X amount so we don’t bring ourselves into hardship. I definitely don’t think it’s about exerting control etc.

Statistically, I think men may be a tad better at saving / budgeting regularly than women, but of course that can be a generalisation but I know my man is very frugal and is much less likely going to spend £200 on a high heel than I am! Most men I know actually go and willingly spend money themselves on clothes, and it’s the female that pics out nice shirts etc (even if he is the one paying, the woman encourages it!)

So he’d pay for it?

I think that personal care costs should come from your allocated £400 per month .
You both have the same amount, so he's not taking the p*.
The costs you've mentioned surely aren't paid out every month , so you'll have some left over from previous months to put towards Botox etc when it is due every 3-6 months or so.
I wouldn't expect to take more money from the family 'pot' to pay for things that are purely for my own benefit . The £400 you have now is a reasonable amount.

that sounds really hard, and dangerous to be running on fumes. I’m sorry you had no sleep 3 nights a week and had to provide childcare- which is a full time job that people pay handsomely for.

i still don’t think OP should be rushing to get a night job at an Amazon warehouse to make people on mumsnet feel like her life is hard enough.

I think your lack of self esteem comes from relying on another adult to support you financially. Given pocket money (even a fairly substantial amount) like a child from a parent. Threads every day about SAhm's left high and dry when their source of cash dries up. I replied to one earlier this morning.