Page 5 | How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

Khor · 2025-08-12T10:43:42+00:00

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family). Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33. I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school. In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it. I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements. We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund. Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated. Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/08/2025 14:48

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:38

I’m saying he couldn’t do it all..

He could obviously still work but he would have to compromise somewhere down the line

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OP, it probably won't help your thread to reply to posters who just want to carp on about the ins and outs of SAHM status.
Lots of people have an axe to grind, or huge amounts of mum guilt, and it is not helping to answer your original question.

I suggest you ask DH if you can BOTH have an increase in your personal spending allowance (he can save his in an account in his name if he doesn't want to spend it). But you are massively unreasonable in wanting to spend joint family savings on personal beauty treatments.

Twistedfirestarters · 12/08/2025 14:41

BasicBrumble · 12/08/2025 14:37

I think the suggestion upthread to increase your personal allowance is a good one. Even if it 'only' goes up by £100 you can decide what to spend it on, without it being a debate each time.

Agree. That sounds sensible to me. Each of you get an extra bit each month

Appleblum · 12/08/2025 14:41

I'm a sahm and I could not survive on £400 a month, but my circumstances are different from yours. I think it's perfectly reasonable to revisit a budget and make adjustments but botox and microneedling are not essential expenditure and if there's isn't extra money for them then you'd have to go without.

Enigma53 · 12/08/2025 14:41

I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.

He would. He would just do things differently. No one is indispensable.

Twistedfirestarters · 12/08/2025 14:40

Well he doesn't sound unreasonable to me. I can see why he might be worried about the snowballing costs of all these treatments. Surely it's fair enough to want to draw a line somewhere? Do you really expect to spend endless amounts on it?

NoSoupForU · 12/08/2025 14:38

I'd be telling my husband to get stretched if he wanted to spend ludicrous amounts of money on absolute shite whilst not working or bringing any money in.

Original poster

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:38

Mrsttcno1 · 12/08/2025 14:27

This was literally your words:

”I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.”

Show quote history

I’m saying he couldn’t do it all..

He could obviously still work but he would have to compromise somewhere down the line

OP posts:

BasicBrumble · 12/08/2025 14:37

I think the suggestion upthread to increase your personal allowance is a good one. Even if it 'only' goes up by £100 you can decide what to spend it on, without it being a debate each time.

Original poster

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:36

Twistedfirestarters · 12/08/2025 14:33

She adds value by taking any concerns about childcare off her husband. He never has to worry about covering child sickness, ensuring he finishes work in time to collect from childcare, having to drop the kids to nursery in the morning, making sure the kids are dressed and ready to go with bags packed for nursery. When I became a sahm my husband definitely enjoyed the freedom from all that. It allowed him to do what he needed to do at work to ensure his career flourished.

Anyway, from the op's post they both have the same amount of spending money allocated. So op, when you say you know the extra money is 'sitting there' what do you mean? In a savings account?

Surely there must be some compromise here, you seem to want to spend excessive amounts on beauty stuff. Can't you just agree a smaller amount for this?

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Yes, we have savings (nothing spectacular). But we also put away a bit each month.

OP posts:

OneNeatBlueOrca · 12/08/2025 14:35

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/08/2025 14:18

I know. I was quoting someone advising nursing or medicine as alternative professions.

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That was me and I wasnt quoting them as alternative professions for her to do. You misunderstood.

I was citing example by saying there are some professions that have shortages and would take you back after a decade out e.g. nursing and medicine.

Law on the other hand is oversubscribed and she'll struggle to go back after 10 years out.

Original poster

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:33

usersame · 12/08/2025 14:24

&Moonnstsrs - Some people 'value' quality of life and believe their child is far better off with them in the early years, than with a paid person. Most small children would rather spend their days with mum, than a childcare worker - so that is the value and why lots of mums want to SAH if they possibly can. It's surely not that hard to grasp.

I don’t get why people are taking exception to this comment.

I’m not claiming that other choices are wrong, I’m just saying my role has value. In our family’s situation, my husband’s schedule is unpredictable and I’m the one who handles all the logistics so our household runs smoothly. Dh is often away for days at a time. I absorb that burden.

Our kids get the majority of their care from a parent, which is something we’ve chosen intentionally.

Just because you can outsource every task doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for every family. That’s all I meant. And of course it’s a privilege

OP posts:

Ploachedplorridge · 12/08/2025 14:33

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/08/2025 14:30

Why only mums though? Why don’t an equal number of fathers want to have their children with them in the early years?

Because society expects it to be mums, which is why the gender pay gap exists and it regularly (apparently) means it makes financial sense for mum to give up work/go part time/reduce opportunities and pension provision and round and round we go again.

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There are an increasing number of sahds at our local primary school,

Twistedfirestarters · 12/08/2025 14:33

Moonnstars · 12/08/2025 14:17

But how is it 'adding' value?
I can understand he might value her as a partner, giving up work, looking after the home and raising the children, but she says she 'adds' value and I wondered how.

Does this mean that children of parents who work lose value? Aren't valued? Have a poor quality of life?

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She adds value by taking any concerns about childcare off her husband. He never has to worry about covering child sickness, ensuring he finishes work in time to collect from childcare, having to drop the kids to nursery in the morning, making sure the kids are dressed and ready to go with bags packed for nursery. When I became a sahm my husband definitely enjoyed the freedom from all that. It allowed him to do what he needed to do at work to ensure his career flourished.

Anyway, from the op's post they both have the same amount of spending money allocated. So op, when you say you know the extra money is 'sitting there' what do you mean? In a savings account?

Surely there must be some compromise here, you seem to want to spend excessive amounts on beauty stuff. Can't you just agree a smaller amount for this?

Enigma53 · 12/08/2025 14:32

This sounds like the “Is £150 per week enough for fun money” thread to me .

All those treatments scream luxury, rather than essential. If you want them, fund them.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/08/2025 14:30

usersame · 12/08/2025 14:24

&Moonnstsrs - Some people 'value' quality of life and believe their child is far better off with them in the early years, than with a paid person. Most small children would rather spend their days with mum, than a childcare worker - so that is the value and why lots of mums want to SAH if they possibly can. It's surely not that hard to grasp.

Why only mums though? Why don’t an equal number of fathers want to have their children with them in the early years?

Because society expects it to be mums, which is why the gender pay gap exists and it regularly (apparently) means it makes financial sense for mum to give up work/go part time/reduce opportunities and pension provision and round and round we go again.

Ploachedplorridge · 12/08/2025 14:29

Hdpr · 12/08/2025 14:22

I work FT and funnily enough my high flying well paid husband also manages to work and be a parent. Suggesting he couldn’t work if you didn’t stay at home is nonsense.
Having said that, I wouldn’t be happy with £400 a month especially if my husband got more. You need to re-draw the rules and get exactly the same amount each. We have more than that a month each and can afford it. But honestly, your biggest weapon here to get yourself more money is to go back to work

Why is it nonsense? Ft childcare that fits around a pilot’s shifts and frequent overnight absences costs an absolute fortune! And it would have to take account of delays, and built-in flexibility is even more ££££. You’d have to have a live-in nanny as a single parent I think?

My dh was in the military when we were first married and only had leave every four months or so. He definitely needed me to take care of the dc. I worked ft later on but it just wasn’t feasible with pre-schoolers.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/08/2025 14:28

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:24

I’ve never said:

“this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure”

He could work without my involvement but his children would be raised by a non parent. Dh is often away.

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Yes, he’s away a lot. Like oil-rig workers and civil engineers and military folk. A large proportion of whom have working partners.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/08/2025 14:27

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:24

I’ve never said:

“this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure”

He could work without my involvement but his children would be raised by a non parent. Dh is often away.

Show quote history

This was literally your words:

”I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.”

Slothsandspiderman · 12/08/2025 14:25

I’m with your husband on this.

You are describing (non essential imo) luxuries.
Honestly you need a good dose fresh air and maybe some cake and a coffee afterwards.

Join a local sports group for women, football, rounders, netball. Both of these will be better for your MH, self esteem and fitness than any beauty treatment x

usersame · 12/08/2025 14:24

&Moonnstsrs - Some people 'value' quality of life and believe their child is far better off with them in the early years, than with a paid person. Most small children would rather spend their days with mum, than a childcare worker - so that is the value and why lots of mums want to SAH if they possibly can. It's surely not that hard to grasp.

Original poster

Khor · 12/08/2025 14:24

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/08/2025 14:12

I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me

While I don't necessarily disagree with your fundamental gripe, this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure is just self-serving nonsense.

I was a single mum for ten years while working in the City with absolutely no external income coming in other than my salary and no unpaid childcare and I made it work and got promoted multiple times while feeding, clothing and making my child happy. He absolutely would be able to work, run a home and have a child without you. He just likes for things to run with minimal friction and disruption to his routine. There are millions of working couples who manage to make their lives work without having an "infrastructure" at home.

This argument repeatedly gets used by men in "Big Jobs" to justify making life harder for working women and refusing to allow them reasonable allowances to deal with childcare etc. And by women to justify the fact that they've thrown their careers away and it really gets my hackles up when I hear this.

If you want to stop work stop work but a) don't kid yourself that your precious husband couldn't survive without your "infrastructure" (he could, he just likes an easy life) and b) accept that if you don't work you hand over financial autonomy to someone else.

If you were working, no one would question your right to spend your money on whatever you like. I don't disagree with people getting botox but you can't both choose to be totally economically unproductive and complain when you can't have luxuries which most working women can't afford.

I’ve never said:

“this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure”

He could work without my involvement but his children would be raised by a non parent. Dh is often away.

OP posts:

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/08/2025 14:22

Lizzbear · 12/08/2025 14:05

I get it op. I’m in a similar position. I like having fillers once a year. About 500 pounds. I don’t see how this can come out of my monthly amount if 250 pounds.
Circumstances change., and the treatments make you feel better. Try to tell your husband how they’re important to your well-being and you should be able to treat yourself with “family” money. It’s a tricky one and I’m finding it hard to navigate as my husband thinks they’re false and a waste x

You save £42 a month of your £250 and have the £500 for your annual chipmunk session.

Hdpr · 12/08/2025 14:22

I work FT and funnily enough my high flying well paid husband also manages to work and be a parent. Suggesting he couldn’t work if you didn’t stay at home is nonsense.
Having said that, I wouldn’t be happy with £400 a month especially if my husband got more. You need to re-draw the rules and get exactly the same amount each. We have more than that a month each and can afford it. But honestly, your biggest weapon here to get yourself more money is to go back to work

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/08/2025 14:21

HaddlerScoop · 12/08/2025 13:54

As a long term sahm I think the main thing to discuss with him is why he is so rigid in thinking that a figure agreed years ago would never be changed as things become more expensive or what you spend on changes.

Dh and I discuss these things. Your Dh needs to understand that these things are important to you and you would like to fund them from the shared money.

Years ago? The kid is about 2.

Delatron · 12/08/2025 14:18

I haven’t read the whole thread as I predicted it would end in SAHM bashing.

What I will say is although my DH earns loads more than me - it is joint, family money and he says so. He knows that if I didn’t scale down my career and take some time off he wouldn’t have advanced in his (whether Mumsnet agrees with this or not).

You just need equal money to spend on yourselves and that amount should be affordable and not taking away from other things. Nobody really knows the ins and outs of your finances

If he spends £400 on himself every month then you can do the same.

We are less prescriptive. I do work part time so I use my money for non essentials like face treatments. But lunches/coffees/some clothes/holidays with the girls..that comes out of ‘family money’ As he would spend all that too.