How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

I actually think it doesn't matter what your job or not is... it's about the family budget. You need to sit down and work out what the priorities are - as a family. All the income, all the bills, everything that's left.

My husband and I both work full time - he makes a bit more money than I do, but nothing spectacular. We have a spreadsheet showing everything that we can predict, how much we want for savings, how much we need for food/etc etc. And then there's the bottom figure of what is left. And those are the discussions we have - do we want to go abroad this year? Do we need new windows? Whatever. Anything under like £20 or so we just do and we are fortunate enough to be able to afford to meet a friend for a drink or get a new pair of shoes without checking the account, but anything more involved than that is a joint conversation because it's all the same money.

So whether or not £400/month for yourself is reasonable isn't something anyone can answer. It depends on what else will have to be sacrificed if you actually spend £500/month or £1000/month or more. What isn't happening so that can happen?

For whatever it's worth I can't imagine spending that much money on myself each month but I do spend that or more on myself and the children - my daughter and I go to a lot of theatre shows together and that gets expensive quickly! But it's a priority for us and something we discussed ahead of time. And each month we look at what happened the month before, see if there are any issues or if we need to adjust anything, and then go on to the next.

Interesting , would you like your vice president home as he is on holiday in the cotswolds UK and a pain in the neck ,

How is the Middle East an offensive term?

Please don’t tell me where I can post! It’s against talk guidelines for a start. And somewhat hypocritical seeing as you are on the Royal boards far more than me. I am there bc I am a Republican not to comment about Meghan’s children!

And you have assumed that op is located in the Middle East (which by the way is a very offensive and outdated term for many) you don’t know for sure.

Finally, you say “And I’m pretty sure the Op and her husband could organise their lives so that the child wasn’t left in the care of a nanny for days and nights at a time” when the point we were arguing was whether her husband alone could handle his job without extensive childcare support from his wife or nanny,

Very well. But they cant have it both ways.

She is struggling with her body image and role in life to the extent she is pissing money up the wall on microneedling and botox at 33.

She wants her pre children lifestyle to continue without two salaries to do it.

Agree but how does disparaging and undervaluing the job of stay-at-home-parent - whichever sex does it - encourage more men to take up the role?

Night Nanny? I think you should perhaps not comment on things you obviously know nothing about - in this case how child care works where I think they are.

And I’m pretty sure the Op and her husband could organise their lives so that the child wasn’t left in the care of a nanny for days and nights at a time. You are aware how it is possible for Pilots to organise there flying hours so they pretty much know where they’ll be and when. No? I thought not.

I think you should stick to the RF boards - you know way more about them than you do about this.

Where did you look?

My version of feminism includes a “why not the men?” element.

e.g. Why aren’t men going part time/staying at home with children at the same rate as women? Why don’t they change their names when they marry? Why aren’t they the main contact for nursery/school?

It’s not just about levelling the playing field, the playing field needs re-turfing.

What a rude post! I notice that have gone to great lengths to let people know you are a lawyer by using “we” in the sentence there.

Op only has-been “going on” (she actually defended herself once) about her value in the home because other women on here are demeaning the role of sahm when last time I looked feminism isn’t meant to be about disparaging other women’s choices when there are children in the home who need looking after.

It depends on your definition of up a gum tree doesn’t it? Lots of assumptions being made here to fit the prevailing argument! Let me add one of my own; the cost of the night nanny when the husband is flying away for four days at a time. And who wants a child looked after by staff day and night for four days with no interaction from family members? OK once or twice in a crisis but not as a regular arrangement.

You do facilitate his life. Have you worked out how much childcare would cost? That’s the bill I’d be presenting to show how much you are “saving” him in costs. Add your lost pension contributions into the mix

I suspect the OP is in the Middle East and if she were to present a bill for childcare to her husband she could very well be presenting him with one for less, equivalent to, or not much more than her 400 pounds a month spending money (if they’re that way inclined). It’s the point I made earlier when people were emphasising how he’d be up a gum tree if she went back to work - he wouldn’t be.

Lol!! A stitch up post!! Funny Funny 😅

Well yes, obviously, she’s not in paid employment so that also comes out of the money her husband brings in, which he can afford to do. And OP says that they can afford to pay for the treatments without using her £400, and as they are married she should have access to the family money

When I was on extended mat leave, we had an account for ‘fun money’ and put £2K in it to share between us each month. It worked pretty well.

DH and I are ‘all money is family money’ people, though. We also think that homemaking/childcare and paid employment are of equal importance to the family unit. That seems an unpopular position on MN.

OP has already confirmed that they both have the same amount of spending money.

This.

OP I’m not sure how you resolve this. You can see on here how women feel about your spending. The fact is your husband is of the same view. You said he’s throwing it back in your face.

You do facilitate his life. Have you worked out how much childcare would cost? That’s the bill I’d be presenting to show how much you are “saving” him in costs. Add your lost pension contributions into the mix.

I’m not sure how you sort things if he’s casting up money at this stage. You say you want to have another baby. Will he become more resentful at the increasing costs that he thinks he’s covering?

Perhaps you could investigate buying an LED mask for home use to save money. I bought an IPL device and it’s really effective, I wish I’d bought it years ago because I could have saved myself a fortune. So you need a review of your treatments but also an agreement that your 400 ‘pocket money’ 🤢 be reviewed annually in line with inflation.

Someone up thread made a serious point about the harm you’re doing to your own career by being out of the workplace for such an extended period. This is something you need to weigh up. Having a baby can be a head fuck and puts such pressure on relationships. I’m sorry you had such a hard time post birth. I hope you can get back to a more harmonious home life.

£400 personal spends is totally fair in my opinion. I refuse to believe anyone the same age as me needs all those treatments. I also have children, suffered badly from postpartum depression and put a shitload of weight on. My youngest is nearly 3 now. I look like a sack of shit some days but I’m not spending my husband’s money on microneedling, Botox and red-light therapy.

Buy decent skincare products, take a collagen supplement, save some money for a couple of months and buy yourself a red-light mask. All doable on £400.

Are you happy for his personal spending money to increase to the same level yours 'needs' to?

With a DH as a pilot working not in the same country and unsociable hours then the OP would most likely need a live-in nanny to be a full time lawyer in that situation. That might not be what they want as a family…

I agree OP and the responsibility of ft cc is enormous.
That said, £400 pm for personal spending only is an extremely generous amount imo

Oh I see! In that case I think the treatments should be discussed and agreed with your husband, as it's coming from the main pot. I think birthdays and Christmas would be good times for vouchers for treatments!

Controversially, I actually think youre better suited to going back to work.

You have gone to great lengths to tell people how essential and valued you are to your household and that you husband wouldn't be able to do it without you. Which isn't strictly true.

It must have been hard to give up such a high-powered career such as law and just stop working.

That might have had a knock to your self esteem as well. Lawyers make pretty big decisions that can affect somebody's life we handle large amounts of money, negotiate large amounts of money. I do wonder if when constantly going on about your value in life, if you wouldn't be better going back to work as a lawyer. You'll have money for all your treatments and be able to save better

I think the SAHM part is actually irrelevant to the question of how much you have to spend each month. DH and I have the same amount each every month and that’s been the case ever since we got married. He’s always worked full time and always earned more than me. I’ve done every possible combination - two bouts of full time - before DC and when they were teenagers onwards; SAHM until youngest was at school and then various P/T roles school hours and term time. We always have a central pot and then spending money each month. That’s the only bit of money that’s ‘mine’ and ‘his’ and even then the other day DH said, ‘the money in my personal account has built up and is far more than I need, (he doesn’t spend much from there except for presents for me) I’ll stick some back in the main account.’ Also to say we decide money things together, there is no extra ‘say’ given to DH because he earns more. We both contribute to the household in various ways, some financial and some practical. Having said that we would both have something to say if we thought the other person was being wasteful or misusing the system. OP your reference to being ‘entitled’ to some of the money is true in one way - it’s your money as much as DH’s but surely in a marriage it’s not about trying to get as much as we can for ourselves, it’s about what’s best for the family as a whole and both parties need to have one eye on that the whole time.

I think you should sit down and agree your financial priorities across the board. For example you may feel there’s enough in the account each month for you to spend £600 on beauty treatments, however you as a couple may also want to save some for a holiday next year or pay the mortgage off early so you can retire at 55 or whatever…You need to work out your short and long term goals and priorities and budget accordingly. You also need to bear in mind that there are many claims on the pot of money and many things you could reasonably do with it to benefit one or all of you in some way. It’s about finding the things that would give you most value as a couple or family unit based on your collective priorities. If you don’t agree you will have to compromise!

I hate these threads. Marriage, a shared home, a child - income is one pot. Run a basic joint budget, agree what ‘extras’ for all in family (you, him, child) need to be discussed and do it together…