How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

I would hate to have had an amount assigned to me every month! We are grown women, not children who are given pocket money. I would be very offended!

I am investment banker, but took over five years off when my sons were young and never ever did my husband say, ‘here this is your allowance for the month’, as that is utterly ridiculous!

But OP is saying that all the beauty treatments she wants shouldn't be paid from the £400, and that they should be paid for as a "household expense"...

Presumably it just bounces off her face though. ;)

Never paid anyone to look after DD.

Most SAHMs are not “obviously” making pension provision - 10 mins on some of the boards on this site would show you that.

And I think its mean and shitty of him to throw back anything in your face. Would he prefer it if you went back to work so you have more money?

Yes. My grandma worked full time until she was in her 60s.

My mum went back to work full time 6 months after I was born and again after my sister was born. My dad did the majority of childcare once we were in school (he was already where he wanted to be) while mum climbed the ladder. Mum is still working (through choice) at 70.

You and DH should have the same for spends on self. We use YNAB so are shit hot on budgeting and you can "build" savings in a category so he can blow it once every three months or whatever it is.

What you spend your money on is your business, but this is about family budgeting. All money is shared money, and you need to allocate it together: put money in both pensions, put money towards mortgage, cars, food ... and then agree how you do discretionary spending. We have five of us and we all five have "miscellaneous spending" against our name in the budget.

What you spend it on is entirely up to you. When I was a SAHM I did not spend anything like what you are considering on myself but we were prioritising mortgage at the time. However, the amount you spend should be equal and agreed within the family budget.

ETA: I now work and our combined incomes still operate as above, although "buying in" help to cover issues caused by our lack of time comes out of shared pot rather than individual pot.

How much I get is irrelevant (but obviously I still get it if I’m sick/we’re on holiday, and obviously I make pension provision for myself)

The point is that women being snippy because they work when stay at home parents ‘don’t’ and then paying someone else to do the work of looking after their children is hypocritical. Everyone makes the choices which are best for their family, within the boundaries they have. Most people are working hard for their family’s well-being - whatever form that takes

Well my husband pays for some of my treatments that are not 'essentials'. Beucase he recognizes my wellbeing is essential to being a good parent. Besides wouldn't you be on good wages with your roles?

It’s hard to comment without more info like how much you h earns, how much money is available after bills etc

I understand that your salary as a lawyer may require you to spend lots of beauty treatments and clothes and if you were working then it could be argued that it’s a work cost like petrol.

Have you tried saying that in light of the cost of things you would like “fun money” of x? Yes, you said that £400 would be fine but things have gone up in price and it’s fair to say that you didn’t consider Y or Z at the time.

If you want to do all those tweakments then you might have to consider returning to work early to earn the money for them. I know it’s not what you envisioned but things change like thinking that £400 would be enough.

the reality is he does get the final say there because it is HIS money

Just a shockingly awful way of thinking. Shamefully old-fashioned and sexist.

But not their father.

And you’ll have hammered the career you probably had to work bloody hard for in the process. Bravo.

(We absolutely could have afforded to have a SAHP but neither of us would have wanted to do it. My career is as important as DH’s and I didn’t want DD growing up thinking that women were the only ones that could do childcare. Once you’re past the growing, birthing and breastfeeding stage, men can actually do all that is needed.)

I don't spend £400 on myself per month and I work. I could easily afford to but don't.
No way do you need botox at your age but if you feel you do you should save your "allowance" to pay for it.
The SAHM I know have full access to the family spending and use it as required. An allowance is a terrible idea.

And that's great that you are able to do what you want to, and it obviously suits your family.

But it sounds like a compromise is that you don't get to spend as much money as you would like to. It doesn't matter how much money anyone else has to spend and what they prioritise. Your DH thinks that the family budget covers £400 of personal spends to you. You need to talk to him and get his agreement about increasing it, but he might well disagree and think the money should go into savings (for example).

Champagne lifestyle on a coca cola budget

• how much money would you like ideally?
• would that compromise on the ability to build up your savings as a family? And bigger things like family holidays?

As a lawyer I would expect you to be able to provide more arguments and fight for your case a bit longer before coming to Mumsnet 😆🫢

Say no thank you to child number 2: problem solved.

Botox and moxroneedling aren't monthly costs though and neither is hair. Only nails so I think yabu.

If you agreed this amount years ago, where I would say you have an argument is that it needs to go up to reflect inflation - so depending on when you agreed the original amount maybe £500 or even £550. Can you and your DH sit down and go through the family budget together?

Other than that though, I work PT now, but was at home before that and have a similar amount to spend on myself (as does DH). I didn't go mad on the treatments though - I'm kind of with your DH and think you should budget for them out of your personal spends. Also, if you want the extras can these not be given as birthday/ Xmas presents - so a course of Botox or whatever?

Mumsnet loves the myth of the good old days when women didn't work. Both my grandmothers worked and brought up a family. Laundress and Hairdresser. The one who was a hairdresser ( 4 kids) took the little ones with her and the played out the back of the salon until they started school. My mother always worked. we needed her money. I always worked and I am in my seventies and still do a bit of work and do three days of grandchild care.
I am afraid I am aghast at spending £400 a month on self care. One of my favourite MN posters walks everywhere and drinks oodles of water and she credits this with looking so much younger than her actual years.
I also think that given the current COL crisis,it is insensitive towards large numbers of posters who manage on very little and always put their children first.

Good for you.

Do you get more than minimum wage? Pension contributions? Paid holiday?

Not sure what the point of your posts is - every family is different. However, if you spend £400 on such stuff every single month, you must be having a laugh. Is this a stealth post?

If it helps, I work and I cannot afford beauty treatments, gym etc. Does that help?

And the patriarchy wins again. 👏

Missing the point of the post somewhat, but…..I am a SAHM, and DH pays me a regular monthly amount. It’s my own money, I work for it, I earn it. It’s time we all stopped undervaluing the work done, typically by women, in the home.