How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

I know exactly how much my husband earns each week because I do his his and all the other engineers timesheets every week. He knows how much I earn because I have told him. Yet, we do not have joint banks accounts savings etc. I pay the bills and whatever’s left is mine, he pays for holidays and car things and anything left is his. We have paid our mortgage off so that’s no longer an issue. I don’t ask my husband for his money for my face the same way he wouldn’t ask for my money for his season ticket. It’s worked for 25 years now so no need for anything ‘joint’.

I think you have massive delusions of grandeur OP. Go back to work. Problem solved. Your DH is the one funding it all and he is right.

Yeah I’m super confused too. My husband and I have one bank account, it all goes in there and all comes out of there. We know each other’s salaries and the vague details of all our expenses so we know what’s left. We have a plan for how to spend our fun money (family holidays, theatre, pub trips whatever) and a plan for our savings account (new windows at the moment, then a newer car) and if things change we adjust.

my husband does the actual banking and I do 99% of the actual shopping as he has no patience for school shoes and ballet uniforms and he likes his spreadsheets, but there aren’t any secrets.

I know plenty prefer separate accounts and such which is fine but I can’t wrap my head around the entire family situation being mysterious - that must be both stressful for the one and quite silly for the other. What if something happens to the only person who knows anything?

Yeah read her posts. They have enough to save a bit and pay their bills and each get £400 a month to spend how they wish. She wants more but has no idea how they’d actually afford it.

I cannot believe married couples do not work this way. I’d feel pretty infantilised at best for being shut out of knowing the ins and outs of our financial situation, especially as I’m a SAHM.

How do married couples make decisions like new windows/holidays/how many meals out each month if they don’t know how much money they’ve got as a family?

Also one of the highest reasons for suicide in men is getting into financial difficulty. I want to know exactly how much money we’ve got, I’ve got a feeling there’s a few people around us who are in debt and their partners don’t know about it. My best friend has just got married and was shocked to hear I know exactly how much my DH earns.

Marriage is built on trust and being open. Blows my mind how marriages can be happy and solid in these situations.

Before we got married he had to go to marriage lessons apart of our church. These uncomfortable exercises/questions had to be discussed for us to ‘pass’. Maybe they should become a mainstream thing?

Few things to break down.

• Yes, your contribution is valid to the home. Especially when taking into account the anti social hours involved in your husbands work.
• £400 is a lot of money to a lot of people to spend on yourself every month so people are struggling with being able to justify additional money for what people consider frivolous
• your mental health is important
• some of the treatments you've designated as necessary for your mental health seem extravagant to people
• you do have the right to household money but it is also understandable that your husband may see some of these regular spends as unnecessary

You have the right to say how you think money should be spent and I've been there after a baby, loads of weight gained, not taking care of myself but I think to a lot of people it doesn't seem like a viable long term solution what your proposing spending so much money on.

My experience as someone who hasn't had access to the sort of money your proposing is that I got back to feeling great by having fitness hobbies I enjoyed and some skin care/health products that were good quality and not over the top expensive.

It feels like these expensive treatments are more of a bandaid for whats really going on. It's tough the transition we go through after having a baby but I feel like people trick themselves and fall into consumerist traps where they think all these things will help but you need to look after yourself properly and these treatments are more of a quick, expensive plaster as opposed to properly solving the root of the problem.

I don't know if any of that made sense.

I haven't read all the posts.
If they can't afford it, then I don't understand the point of the AIBU?
Luxuries are great if you can afford them.

I have £1000 plus there’s a savings account for extras. That is of no use to you though because finances are variable.
It’s important you are both on the same page when there’s a SAHP. Since we’ve lived together all money has been our money regardless of my employment situation.

The issue is, they can’t afford it as a family. They have minimal savings and not a lot left each month. So she and her husband need to sit down, look at their budget and figure out what to prioritise. It’s not clear at all to me what she thinks should change to accommodate this but I think it’s to take away her husband’s £400/month.

I agree with your POV, OP.
Your self-confidence has taken a hit.
You have brought a baby into the world, and it has affected you mentally and physically.

You are affluent as a family. So, if these treatments help you feel better, and you can afford them from your husband's income, you should have them.
Most people could not afford it and a vocal minority on MN object to SAHMs , so you won't get a good response.
I would not want those treatments, but if they help you, I think your partner is BU in objecting.
Secondly, you should be able to make that call yourself ie tell him that it's important to you and you would like to go ahead.
Unfortunately, this is possibly a foretaste of how things will play out while you are not earning your own income.
As a SAHM, you are benefiting your husband in all sorts of ways, making his life more comfortable, convenient and fun. I think you are entitled to a bit of indulgence too, if you can afford it as a couple.

You should need Botox, 2/3 times a year, hair every 2-3 months, micro needling I have never needed. But it's far cheaper where I am. Gym, absolutely essential for both mental and physical health. Assume you utilise yours? Do you go together? I add up all my treatments for the year and set aside £100 a month. I've always got my self care pot being topped up. I think it's totally okay to get vouchers for sessions etc. but I am hard to buy gifts for. I can't see anywhere where you've said what you actually spend your £400 on. Child related clubs etc should come from joint account. Are you making sure you pension is being topped up? I was never really able to stay at home after standard maternity leave. Mentally I couldn't have coped and financially I wanted my independence but I did have live in nanny's when they were young. Is your self esteem low right now? Having a baby is a huge shift in hormones and having had a similar job to you, I'd probably feel like I'd maybe lost a bit of myself not getting dressed up for work etc. if your husband has the same amount that's reasonable. It's tough when they are younger because they are expensive in different ways to teenagers!

I guess it all depends on how much spare money there's leftover after all the bills are paid. I was a SAHM for 8 years. Dh paid all the bills/food from a joint account that I have access to, put savings in a joint savings account that I have access to, and then used to put £1k a month in my own account for me. Sometimes I saved it. Sometimes I spent it. Dh didn't worry what I was spending it on.

However, as your dh sounds a bit tight, I suggest you dont have a second baby, got back to work and spend your money without having to get his permission.

Pregnancy is incredible hard on a womans body. Worse for some than other. But I think for me these extra treatments are ok coming out of family spends, if they're affordable, if they are to 'put right' an issue caused by pregnancy/breastfeeding. If they are normal aging or just wants then it needs to come out of your £400.

You said you were a shut in for 6 months, what happened to your £400 from those months?
Did your maternity clothes come from joint spends? What about your gym membership when you were able to leave the house again and starting to lose weight? All the clothes inbetween which were bigger than you would have needed without the pregnancy. How about the bras? Shoes - if your feet grew?

In my mind you need to seperate out costs which are pregnancy/breastfeeding related out from your personal spends. These shouldn't be covered by you - they are a joint cost. Men never go through these changes, they don't have these extra costs.

You said you've had microneedling and red light therapy. Did you develop redness issues on your face, during pregnancy and post preg weight gain? If yes then treating that comes from family budget. Your botox I think you pay for

OP - I’d just prioritise what is the most important. I don’t get my nails done very often for example. But if the beauty treatments make you feel good, prioritise them over nails/coffee.

I made quite a bit selling clothes on Vinted? Then treated myself to Botox and some new clothes. Then it didn’t feel like I was spending family money on lots of unnecessary things for myself.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture a bit - building up savings is important and £400 to spend as you wish each month is reasonable. If your DH suddenly starts spending more on himself then there’s a conversation to be had

True. I think they need to build up their savings rather than allocate more on beauty treatments. As long as the share is equal and OP has access to the same money.

OP says that they get the same amount of spending money.

She also says "we have savings (nothing spectacular). But we also put away a bit each month."

That doesn't sound like a family who have masses of spare money and it's likely that if OP's beauty treatments (and equivalent money for DH) start coming out of the family pot, then there may be no savings at all. That might be fine for some families. But it doesn't suggest that they have so much money that it could be spent without any impact at all.

In this instance he’s still taking advantage of the OPs free labour. But actually it’s more comparable to say that she just goes, leaves him and the child and goes off to enjoy a life of freedom. Then he’s got a lot of organising to do and a lot of money to shell out.

Again, a pointless response because he wouldn’t need a housekeeper or nanny at all. He’s just pay child maintenance & opt to do no overnights so he’d still be in exactly the same boat and have more money just paying CMS than funding a whole household and family.

You have been speculating on the Royal boards as to whether one of Meghan’s children has autism fhs which is highly inappropriate

Im pretty sure I didn’t mention autism, in fact I’m pretty sure I went out of my way not to, but I am happy to be corrected if you can find the post where I said ‘Archie is autistic’.

And finally, context is everything so apart from that particular thread where I did join in a discussion in defence of Harry and Meghan as parents because of the hammering they were getting, that I thought just wasn’t on, you won’t find anymore than a handful of other posts from me where I mention the children. I just don’t go there unless it’s to offer an alternative way of looking at a things or to remind people it’s not on to discuss the children/or to report something said.

Once again a cheap shot that you’ve taken at me has fallen short of the mark.

Any idea how much a live in housekeeper/nanny would require in pay? And, as a pilot, he’d definitely need extensive childcare.

In a family unit, there was a no “his money/my money”, there is only our money.

Personally, if you’re allocating personal spends then you should both have equal amounts. So, maybe ask him how much personal spends he has and move it from there? Just because the salary is in his name doesn’t actually mean he gets sole say in how it’s used.

We only had a joint account for years but we set up “pocket money” accounts a few years ago and both had equal amounts of pocket money. It didn’t work very well for us and it’s all joint again.

I don’t think we know his salary do we? So they may well be able to afford all this. And Botox is around £300 a pop but most people only have it every 3/4 months or less…

So as long as they get the same spending money all is good.

I do agree that 33 is too young for Botox and I doubt she needs micro needling though.

I don’t think the answer is that she goes back to work if that is not what she wants right now with a DH who is away a lot and a non child friendly career. They just need to communicate about their finances and make sure they have the same spending money.

Why does anybody need to value the job of a SAHM except folk in her own household.

Oh dear.

Weepixie arguing on here is very boring for others but if you go back to my original post to you, it wasn’t remotely rude. It was simply questioning your definition of being up a gum tree.

You have been speculating on the Royal boards as to whether one of Meghan’s children has autism fhs which is highly inappropriate. And you brought up the Royal boards not me!

If you have lived in the Middle East for 47 years then you will know it is so-called because it refers to an area Middle East of London which is a now outdated historical definition used by British and American strategists in the early twentieth century, to designate the area surrounding the Persian Gulf. For obvious reasons it’s disrespectful to define those countries now only in relation to Europe!

Anyway, I was just posting in support of the op and as this argument will not be remotely helpful to her, I will leave it there.

Please don’t tell me where I can post! It’s against talk guidelines for a start

Then report my comment and perhaps think about the tone of your posts going forward when replying to someone.

And somewhat hypocritical seeing as you are on the Royal boards far more than me. I am there bc I am a Republican not to comment about Meghan’s children!

Yes. I post on the RF boards because I’m a constitutional Royalist and I’m usually one of the first to stop and report any unsavoury and unnecessary discussion about the children, Meghans pregnancies, and her life pre Harry when people insist on mentioning yacht girls. So I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree when it comes to your cheap shot and suggesting what you did.

And you have assumed that op is located in the Middle East (which by the way is a very offensive and outdated term for many) you don’t know for sure

Having lived in the Middle East for 47 years I’ll call it what I like and not just because it hasn’t offended anyone yet. And yes, I think that the Op also lives in the region judging by her user name - not that it matters if she doesn’t as it won’t change my opinion on her spending money and the treatments she’d like to have.

Finally, you say “And I’m pretty sure the Op and her husband could organise their lives so that the child wasn’t left in the care of a nanny for days and nights at a time” when the point we were arguing was whether her husband alone could handle his job without extensive childcare support from his wife or nanny

I did address it from the perspective of him being alone - he wouldn’t be up a gum tree. He’d employ someone to help with the children and it wouldn’t cost him the arm and a leg people were hoping it would. And if him and the Op ever ended up divorced he wouldn’t be up a gum tree even then - they’d co-operate with each other to ensure the best possible care was taken of their child when work had to come first for one or both of them.

All this nonsense about let him try and manage on his own with the job he has, when all the world over men and women do the same job as him (plus a whole load more) and manage perfectly well on their own in the process.

I was just asking.