AIBU to think DP hijacked my holiday

Did your partner realise it was 'the trip was to my homeland to learn about my heritage and meet my family.

did / do he or his children want to know about your heritage ?

did they meet your family - which clearly is the important thing

or did he just think it was a holiday to your homeland and an opportunity to spend lots of time with his youngest child ?

who paid ?

It’s obvious that the teen is jealous of the attention that their younger brother receives from his father, hence the physical abuse. I know this because it happened in my family. The op sounds a bit needy, however. She could have had a nice time while ignoring all the photo situations. The ten year old is a child at the end of the day and needs attention from his father.

What did he say when you told him how it was making you feel, or that you'd like some pic of all of you? You don't seem to have done that, either during or after the holiday?

Well, I don't disagree with the thrust of your post in general, but as the mother of a 13.5 year old, he's at the stage where he wants far less parental attention, and is pretty peer-focused. He certainly ABSOLUTELY does not want to be photographed, at all.

I don't have a younger child, but if I did, and were on holiday with them both, I imagine it could easily look to a hostile observer as if I were prioritising the younger child over the older, but in fact I would be responding to the wishes of both.

I mean, your DP sounds like a prick for other reasons but I absolutely take more than 3 pics of my child while on holiday and definitely take more of her than of my DH. I think that’s very normal.

you don’t sound secure and it sounds like a bad relationship for everyone.

All that needs to happen is you need to sit down and talk about the situation. You are not being unreasonable at all so just ask him to reflect on the holiday and if he thinks anything could have gone better or been done differently.
Be prepared for the fact your DP might say some things you don't like or might not be aware of but it will also give you the opportunity to address your DP's behaviour.
I would also be speaking to the moody teen and getting her take on the situation and perhaps providing her with the opportunity to say how she feels.
Very sad situation which needs addressing but if done in the right way not unresolvable.

Really? Because he spent time giving attention to a ten year old child instead of fawning over the adult OP?

Maybe he was trying to give you and your children more time and space with their relatives, who I assume the children have hardly met.

The moody teen was off being a moody teen so your OH was making the best of it by making sure his 10year old, who let’s face it probably wasn’t that bothered about meeting your family as such, had a good time.

your title talks about him hijacking your holiday. Hmmm.

No there isn’t. Don’t normalise older brothers beating up their younger ones. I have two boys and they never ever did that. That is what would concern me. What is your dp doing about it?

Me and my ex never sat next to each other on planes we’d have the kids between us or one each.

So are you now saying he doesn’t beat his brother up (it was just hyperbole?).

If he doesn’t live with his children he is right to prioritise them
over you when they go on holiday, and it’s still their holiday even if it was to visit your family. His children do not need and probably don’t want to be all about your family, they already have their own.

It’s weird that he didn’t show both of his children the same attention though, and even weirder that you are more concerned about his lack of attention to you than his other child.

It sounds like he is overcompensating because he sees the youngest less and lives with the older child and yours by the sounds of it. Is it OTT yes, but DH and I only have shared DC and I don't expect holidays to be about attention on me, that's a bit weird too.

If you want a partner who prioritises you over everything else then you need to find someone who doesn’t have young children.

The family dynamics on his side sound a bit worrying but if he only sees his son every other weekend then of course he’s going to want to sit with him on the plane and make a big fuss of him. I can imagine that’s a long time for a ten year old to be away from his mum who he normally lives with, plus dealing with two children and another adult he doesn’t know very well and a hostile older sibling, so he probably would need plenty of reassurance and attention.

Get rid of him!

Hang on.

• the teen and the 10 year old have to be kept separated.
• he is the only biological parent to the 10 year old who is on this holiday.
• he doesn't see the 10 year old that much at home.

OF COURSE in this situation he should be the person who should take care of the 10 year old while you keep the teen out of the 10 year old's way. OF COURSE he's going to want to spoil his little boy that he doesn't see that often, and of course you're going to get less of his attention when his son who he doesn't live with is present. see It doesn't sound like it was ever going to be an idyllic family holiday anyway, if you have to keep the two kids away from each other. this is all pretty normal run of the mill parenting IMO.

Does your BFs ex follow him on social media? Could it be that he is using the big holiday as a way of peacocking to her / her friends / her family?

Sounds like he’s making some kind of statement / over compensating around his younger child.

Any likelihood that BFs ex is running a narrative with the younger child that his dad doesn’t care about him?

Whatever it is, he sounds like a grade A arsehole.

Yes, this. You have different ideas about priorities, parenting, being a couple with two children apiece etc etc. I don't think this is working.

You and your kids will always play second fiddle in this unhealthy way.

Be happy you've seen what he is and dump him.

Whats the dynamic like normally - and why does he only see him every other weekend?

I do feel for you OP - you must have been really looking forward to the holiday together, what a let-down. To be honest though (and sorry if I missed it) but if you are old enough to have a couple of children each then I am surprised you didn't sit down long enough to tell him how you were feeling. We all want to ensure our kids are happy but a bit of special time for just the two of you are what keeps a relationship healthy so it didn't need to be about how much he was doing with his son but rather how little he was doing with you.

You and your partner are not compatible. He can’t or won’t give you what you want/need, and in return you’re jealous of a 10 yo kid and being sneery about him. Split up because there’s no way forward with this , unless you do a Meredith Grey “Pick me. Choose me.Love me.” And how pathetic would that be?

This. He sounds like a horrible man who I wouldn't want to spend time with at all, whether with or without the kids.

I would be tempted to comment on these social media posts that despite evidence to the contrary there were actually six people on this holiday not two

Was this a get at his ex by any chance? Oh look at me and our son having more fun than you do with him? Is the book for him to take home and rub ex p's face in it?

OP, I’m not a bit surprised your DP’s older son picks in the younger one, when the younger is so obviously “golden boy”. How does your DP treat your children? I would be very put out by such blatant favouritism.

I guess you didn't know what he would be like, given it's your first holiday in 3 years?

I'd have kept saying "shall we all do something together" or "shall we let the kids entertain themselves and have a moment to ourselves?" I wouldn't have just put up with him doing whatever he wanted, isolated off from the other kids.

I would think this sad. Sometimes though you have to let men know what you want and go from there...