To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

Oh look, the husband is on here.

The lack of social awareness and not realising that saying this kind of stuff is wrong in every way is worrying.

Ah OP, what a horrible situation to be in. I can (vaguely) understand if he’d had far too much to drink and crossed a line one time but you’d hope that after the stress of a disciplinary and having to resign, that he’d be utterly mortified and would have learned his lesson.

If I’ve read it right, the second time was actually three different incidents? If they are a good employer I think it’s unlikely that three different comments will just be a ‘slap on the wrist’.

I would assume the version you’re being told is a ‘cleaned up’ version. Generally speaking, people tend to minimise their wrongdoing in order to save face.

Op, is your DH liked by his colleagues? The comments are not appropriate on any level BUT he won’t have been the first or last to have said something similar to the first incident.

What is he like as a person generally when he’s out and with his mates?

My point is, I suspect he’s said a lot more and those comments are just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect he’s not very liked due to this and someone has seen an opportunity to get rid of him. You should do the same.

Not in my field no. Professional in the 90s and early 2000s everyone said outrageous things on nights out and in work. It was considered banter. toxic personality was ok if you were good at your job. Many people were rude and sleazy!

So he doesn't even see how disgusting and inappropriate he is?? Honestly I think you need to leave him full stop, whether or not he gets sacked.

YANBU. I’d be leaving him for being a sexual predator, never mind the job losses.

Get rid.

You think that his previous comment to his own manager, that she's crap at her job and must be a great shag in order to have kept her job, is something that wouldn't have resulted in the sack in the past?

OP has been clear in her updates that she's upset and embarrassed by her H's comments.
I don't think it's unreasonable that she's also anxious about how this situation impacts their financial security and stability, especially given that they have a young child. We don't know what OP's situation is, it may be that she's a SAHM or has a disability that limits her ability to earn.
It's also highly likely that there is an element of gaslighting and manipulation at play here.

I couldn’t stay with a man who made comments (or had thoughts!) like that about other women - irrespective of the job situation.
He is showing you how he sees women - that they are objects for his entertainment and sexual gratification. They are not professionals who are good at their jobs, people who have intellect, sense of humour, personality, ambition. They are lesser than him.
Is that how you want to live your life? The message you want your children to be sent about how women should be viewed and treated?

You probably know Mumsnet is going to pearl clutch and side with you. Tbh this sort of banter used to be standard male banter when I was younger working in a professional field. No one was that sensitive or didn’t report people in those days. It depends if he is generally nice person or mean to you. Was he drunk? Is he a general womaniser? I would be more bothered about loosing work than the words. We don’t really know him I guess you do. Sounds like your marriage is on the rocks anyway.

He’s a liability . If you don’t leave him now, he could cost you a lot more in the long run.

One comment: you could argue it was a mistake. A stupid one but a mistake.

Several comments: He’s going to get a rep of being a sex pest . If you stay, you’ll be dragged down with him.

Wow.

Current job - three comments involving one colleague as well as a manager (not his own). Colleague works remotely and met team for the first time in person. He commented (saying he was surprised) on her having a nice bum and not being able to appreciate it through a screen. ‘Joked’ about starting a gofundme for her to move nearer to the office so the men could see her more regularly. Other manager, comment was not made directly to her but to a colleague who reported it. Basically, it was said that this manager is quite strict and pulling people up on performance. He said that he wouldn’t mind her disciplining him and suggested a sex act she could perform (basically using a toy on him)… so fucking gross

OP, I don't know what industry your DH works in but I work in the public sector and in any of the organisations I've worked in, it would be vanishingly unlikely that someone would hold onto their job after this. There is a clear pattern of your DH sexually harassing women in the workplace, and they can't just ignore it as they have a duty of care to female staff.

Even if he does somehow manage to keep his job, what then? Losing his last job didn't teach him a lesson, so do you really think a "slap on the wrist" at his current job will? If anything, if he keeps his job it will embolden him, in his mind it's evidence that it's not such a big deal. This is going to be an ongoing problem, because it's who he is. Banning him from work nights out won't help, alcohol isn't to blame here. It's him.

In your shoes I would be worried about where this leads, and about what he's not telling you. Men who feel entitled to comment inappropriately on women's bodies, who sexually objectify women and blame alcohol for making women feel uncomfortable and unsafe, often feel entitled to touch women inappropriately as well. How can you trust a man who behaves this way at work? If he's like this in a work environment then how does he behave with women in a social setting? Or online? I'm sorry OP but I would be willing to bet you don't know the half of it yet.

I find it odd that you're focusing on the uncertainty of him losing jobs rather than the fact he keeps saying these awful things to or about women.

For me it wouldn't be the job loss that's the issue, it'd be the way he treats and thinks about women. I'd be out of there.

Absolutely agree

OP he sounds awful 😟 and I can’t believe he’s a model DH out of work either. Have a good think about how he treats you.

Exactly! This will be so true.

You're not "making it about you", you're making it about his inability to not let himself get fired -thereby risking the financial and practical care of your child and stability of your household- because he cannot refrain from making sexually harrassing comments to/about other women. Being drunk or not makes no difference here.

If he had lost a job twice due to economic circumstances or being a whistleblower, that would be entirely different.

Those comments show his utter disrespect for women, especially those in higher positions to him.

I’m sorry you will now have a difficult journey ahead, tell the truth to people and don’t try to cover for him. You will get through this and come out the other side stronger, with the added benefit of modelling to your children high standards of behaviour and what is / isn’t acceptable.

So sorry, OP. I am currently struggling in my marriage because DH has made some poor career choices that has impacted our family financially…but NONE of it had anything to do with harassing colleagues or inappropriate behaviour!!

I find I cannot get past my resentment towards DH and the stress he’s caused as it is - but if it also involved creepy behaviour like this I would be getting ducks in row and making plans to leave without question.

Out of interest, how old is your DH? My background is media and this sort of ‘banter’ was pretty common when I started my career back in the noughties. Things have thankfully changed massively since then. Also, bluntly, does he have a drinking problem? A friend of mine is an alcoholic and would say awful things when drinking- it was like he was a different person. Thankfully he’s now sober.

Neither of these questions are excuses btw - this is utterly unacceptable whatever the ‘reasons’ - but just trying to understand the situation more fully…

@Joness2 I think this is the tip of the iceberg. There's probably a lot more misogyny and belittling of women been going on that you're unaware of. Your husband is a sex pest and has little to no respect for women apart from to see them as sexualised beings who need to be kept in their place by the men (or rather this man).
I think you would do well to make an exit plan. He's only going to cause you more grief and worry. Set him free and bring up your wee family with the values and behaviour that you know is right.

Another here who would be leaving because of his vile attitude towards women. He's horrible, OP, whatever his redeeming features.

PS if alcohol is a big part of sudden changes in behaviour, your DH needs to be told he cuts his consumption to within NHS guidance or seek therapy.

I’ve not RTFT but I swear I’ve read something similar before on here. I can’t remember what the outcome of that was. I know separating is serious and complicated but his comments are really awful and he can’t control himself even when his livelihood and family’s wellbeing is on the line. That says a lot I’m afraid.

Do your girl friends steer clear of him? Have any of your friends ‘disappeared’

i think ducks in a neat row as said before and you’re very wise to leave the hearing to one side, the reason for the hearing far outweighs it.

sorry OP, it’s awful for you.