To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

Oh dear, I would also worry these were not the only times he had done it, rather the only times he’s been reported. What are the comments? I’m assuming something sleazy? If he would even reveal that information .. would he brush it off as he insulted them or similar?

Im so sorry. He’s vile and you deserve so much better. Thing is he must be like this at work for a colleague to report him. It If I overheard drunken comments like that from a normally respectful colleague I’d maybe have a word but not take it further if they were genuinely mortified and sorry. The fact he can’t see he is in the wrong tells you all you need to know

As you know, this is not “ just high jinx” (!) in any way, and him saying that it is just makes it untenable for you to carry on in a relationship with him.
It’s not just the job situation: that’s on top of everything that is vile about him.
”In vino veritas”: when he drinks alcohol he shows you what he’s really like underneath.
yuk.

Do you really think the only times he’s said sexual things to other women have been the two times he’s been caught at work?
This utter misogynistic, sex- pest creep will be harassing many women in real life and on line . How can you even think about being with someone who can treat people like that?
I’m willing to bet he treats you pretty poorly, too.

I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who behaved inappropriately with female colleagues. If he were being made redundant, I would stick by him but this is through his own poor behaviour, which he clearly doesn't personally see as wrong otherwise it would not have happened a second time. Get out.

V similar to my situation with ex husband!

I work in HR and in my company, he'd be out the door. This is blatant sexual harassment and the legislation in this area was strengthened at the end of last year.

So I wouldn't be so sure he'll just be getting a slap on the wrist if I were him.

He's an absolute creep. You're not a team.... he's shown you that. And I'm pretty sure you didn't sign up to be on Team Misogyny anyway!

I made an account just to comment on this.

I was the woman that stayed. I even married him. Had two babies by him. Multiple jobs and a decade later he became abusive. He r#ped me when I was postpartum with the second. Then in 2021 I asked for a divorce after he lost two jobs in 8 months because of the same behaviour as your husband (as far as he told me.) in early 2022 he attacked me and was arrested.

A week later I found out that he had recently (without my knowledge) been convicted of sexually assaulting one of the women he managed in one of the jobs he lost. He is still on the register.

My personal opinion, drop him. BUT, do so in a very careful and coordinated way. Plan, plan, plan. The divorce took two years and the family court proceedings are still going 3.5 years later. Tell a close friend/family member what he has done now (these men thrive on secrecy) and see if you can get evidence of his behaviour as it makes life easier should you ever end up in a situation like mine. Document everything and ensure important documents are kept elsewhere. Research divorce and children's act solicitors.

When my ex realised I was no longer in his grip, he turned really nasty so you must be careful.

I wish this was just scaremongering and not my lived experience, but from the extensive reading I have done in the last 3 years, this is now a pattern of behaviour and it tends to escalate.

@Joness2 It's only been a few months since companies have been obliged to write and implement policies, specifically to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace. With short service, I personally think he's deluded if he thinks this will be a slap on the wrist.

No sorry, not the holidays and other stuff. I've no idea how that kind of thing happens. I expect there's something else going on with those types.

My friend is disabled and the mortgage company accept UC as income replacement. She will always qualify for disability, so they see it as a secure and guaranteed income to use for her affordability check.

Hers is a very specific circumstance but it can happen. With shared ownership you can often buy as little as 25% of the property. We're in the North East. It's not as expensive as other areas, so you don't need to borrow much.

His comments are awful, you need to leave this man regardless of whether he manages to cling on to his job or not.

I would be interested in what exactly happened. Not what he claimed happened. Is he bring a union rep to the meeting, if not I would be asking to accompany him to find out the truth.

I'd have left him after the first time tbh, he sounds like a total idiot

I was feeling supportive of him (because bosses can be bullies) until you mentioned the reasons for the disciplinary procedures. This is totally on him. You would be well within your rights to leave him, but it’s up to you at the end of the day.

Ew, think I would have left the first time round he ended up in a disciplinary for being inappropriate. A second time round? definitely bye bye

He sounds like a creep tbh

So he's been as good as sacked - not once but twice - for sexually harassing women. This isn't going to be fixed by not having nights out, he's just a trash human being with no respect for women. Leave and never look back.

So he’s that sleazy married co worker that tries it on with all the female staff. Ew. I’d leave for that reason alone. What a catch eh?

I think if you tolerate him making sexualised and suggestive comments towards other women - you can’t be surprised if the next step is acting out on these. You surely have to leave him - he’s vile!

A mortgage, 4-5 holidays a year (including during school holidays), regular beautician trips and spa weekends.

Come on now….

She's right, in some cases it can be done.

My friend got a mortgage on a shared ownership flat secured by her UC claim. She has a disability and it's considered a secure income for life - can't say that for a job. She also gets the rent covered and a host of other stuff but this is derail territory so I'll leave it there.

I think there's several issues:

1. he's made grossly inappropriate comments four times now (one in his previous job, three on this occasion)

2. his comments are misogynistic and show a deep disrespect to women. I think the latest comments were worse than during the first incident.

3. These comments must reflect his nature / feelings / thoughts. Can you respect him now? Is this the message you want your child to hear growing up?

4. he's broken his agreement to you not to drink at work events

5. he's left you in the lurch re employment and household income

Sure Jan.

This guy needs help with his bad attitude towards women. He’s a misogynist in my opinion.

Yes. Once could be excused. People get drunk, try to be funny, blurt out stupid things, say things they don’t mean (or express themselves poorly), etc. Some people do overreact, and others deliberately take offence just to cause mischief. However, twice is a different matter. In general, people don’t want all the hassle of a visit to HR, putting in a complaint, and so on. So for women to have gone to the effort of complaining twice, at two different workplaces, suggests horrible little perv to me. Women have had to put up with this shit for too long. Fifty or sixty years ago men like him would have been groping and humiliating younger members of staff. Ugghh…I’m surprised you want him anywhere near you OP. I’d have more self-respect on my own.

Fucking hell, OP, reading your updates on what he actually said - that's outrageous. I don't know what his workplace is like, but you'd be straight out on gross misconduct at mine.

Employers also have new legal responsibilities for out of hours work events, so should be taking this seriously.

He sounds like a nasty sexual harraser who can't control himself. I'd guess he's probably got away with more than he's been reported for.

You don't need to be part of a team with a sex pest.