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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to split finances with DH?

132 replies

Chipoltatas · 11/08/2025 16:15

DH and I are very happy and very much in love. But, he's disorganised and bad with money and I'm sick of paying for it.

I earn £150,000-£180,000 (depending on bonus) in a private sector job - I salary sacrifice down to £100,000. He earns just over £50,000 in the public sector. Overall, we take home around £7300 each month.

We have no plans to split (as I said, very happy together) but, if we do, we both agree that we keep our own pensions and do 50/50 with the DCs, 50/50 on the house, etc. There's no conflict on what we think is fair (right now).

We have always had joint finances. We were students when we met so simply never had separate finances. But, I'm increasingly getting extremely frustrated with paying for things through his disorganisation, lack of care or stupidity.

Examples include:

  1. Speeding tickets/fines or parking tickets;
  2. Forgetting to cancel free trials or subscriptions he doesn't use;
  3. Forgetting to return things he's bought that are the wrong size or he doesn't like;
  4. Not reading descriptions so buying/booking/paying for the wrong thing;
  5. Only getting one quote for a tradesman or mechanic (or similar) and massively overpaying;
  6. Breaking things (glasses, plates, door handles, windows, etc);
  7. Not looking after things (leaving lids off paint so it dries out and not washing brushes so new paint and brushes needed every time we touch up);
  8. Not booking things until the last minute (hotels, campsites, dog grooming, kennels, etc) so we can't get a good deal;
  9. Missing deadlines and getting late fees;
  10. Not clearing his credit card and getting charged 25% interest while the money sits in his current account;
  11. Not checking reviews and/or getting scammed.

I feel as though, because I tend to "manage" our finances, he buys what he wants and doesn't care about wasting money because I'm the one who sees how much it all adds up to and I'll then respond by tightening my belt while he just carries on. For example, I've bought one pair of shoes in the past two years and he's got eight pairs of work shoes! He also bought two pairs of trainers that he won't wear and doesn't like now they've arrived.

We have had several discussions but he just doesn't think before he does things. I feel as though I'm poor when I bloody shouldn't be!

OP posts:
Littleredgoat · 11/08/2025 16:28

Easy come, easy go. He has no respect for money because you are doing the graft earning the bulk of it.

Original poster
Chipoltatas · 11/08/2025 16:27

FloweringDaisy · 11/08/2025 16:22

Can you help him see how much he’s frittering away? Highlight and list the wasted money over a [6] month period, add it up, compare it to the cost of [a holiday/whatever].
But mainly you need to find a way to make it real for him. Set a budget and only put that much in his account? Spend 10 mins a week reviewing bank statements together? A prepaid card instead of a credit card?
Sorry, I don’t have experience of this, just throwing out ideas

Edited

Thanks. This is what I've tried with getting him to understand - and he does get it. He knows he's wasting money, knows how much it adds up to overall... He just doesn't think about it when he's making the decisions that result in the wasted money.

OP posts:
ColinOfficeTrolley · 11/08/2025 16:27

Diced on an equal personal allowance for both of you. Tell him to put a recurring alarm on his phone to pay his credit card.

He'd give me the ick personally. You're not his mummy cleaning up all his mess.

HenDoNot · 11/08/2025 16:26

How many posts will there be before someone suggests he has ADHD.

He sounds like a careless prick with your money. A giant toddler.

Yep, separate your finances and stop letting him take the piss out of you.

Original poster
Chipoltatas · 11/08/2025 16:25

AgentJohnson · 11/08/2025 16:20

Congratulations on parenting an adult. The ‘we’re very much in love’ preamble doesn’t change that fact.

He won’t change as long as you continue to pick up his slack. Have a joint account that covers household expenses and separate accounts for your personal spending. Let him face the financial consequences of his idiocy.

This is what I'd prefer.

At the moment, everything goes into the same pot. When he breaks something or gets fined or overpays, it comes out of the same place and I'm equally responsible for his mistake. At the end of the day, there's never anything left for me or for nice things that I would like.

I feel as though I work too hard to never have anything. My pay increased recently and, before it did, he said about "looking forward to having a bit more money". Like, great, I'd like to have more money too...

OP posts:
FloweringDaisy · 11/08/2025 16:22

Can you help him see how much he’s frittering away? Highlight and list the wasted money over a [6] month period, add it up, compare it to the cost of [a holiday/whatever].
But mainly you need to find a way to make it real for him. Set a budget and only put that much in his account? Spend 10 mins a week reviewing bank statements together? A prepaid card instead of a credit card?
Sorry, I don’t have experience of this, just throwing out ideas

AgentJohnson · 11/08/2025 16:20

Congratulations on parenting an adult. The ‘we’re very much in love’ preamble doesn’t change that fact.

He won’t change as long as you continue to pick up his slack. Have a joint account that covers household expenses and separate accounts for your personal spending. Let him face the financial consequences of his idiocy.

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