WIBU to split finances with DH?

You’re accruing a large pension, still earn double what he does after doing that and you make him pay half!

if you were a man you’d be called abusive on here

"Money habit definitely comes from his mother. She never worked and used men and her parents like cash machines. He definitely never learnt anything about the value of money. "

The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

You're his ATM.

Does he do this shit at work? Forgetting or missing deadlines, breaking equipment, carelessness that guarantees poor results, just generalized incompetence?

He's living the perks of being married to a high earner

This is one of the reasons me and dh have separate accounts. I’m a spender, live for today, he’s a saver and skimps on everything, so our money management just doesn’t align. I appreciate it’s difficult when you have young children to not have pooled accounts, mine are young working adults. My dh has piles of money in his account, I spend as I earn, and have a good time doing so I might add….

I would keep the joint account for bills and get your money sent to a sole account, then send over proportionally your share to cover the bills. Your DH does the same

then he has want money he has left and you have yours. You may find you need to pay more for household stuff such as decorating etc but it will make him think about his spending

It must be so frustrating if he’s so reasonable about it but won’t change! It’s probably already been mentioned, but once the bills have been paid can you each have some personal spending money - then once his has gone because of his recklessness, he might learn to manage it a bit better. A bit like giving a kid pocket money 🤣

(I was a nightmare with finances in my twenties and ended up in a lot of debt and because I had to get myself out of it and no back up, my money habits changed).

I don’t know how you can bear this. You work hard for your money and he is throwing it away. You know the value of money from your upbringing, and yet he’s hurting you by his actions.

Charm is all well and good, but if he was as empathetic as you say, he’d shape up and make some changes for your sake. And for his kids who would enjoy a treat too. You earn a huge amount and you can’t afford any treats? Sod that.

I’d suggest a clean start where you make him responsible for his disasters and give yourself a decent amount of spending. At the moment he has no need to change.

You aren’t wrong to be furious about this. I’m’comfortable’ now but had a really deprived upbringing and have worked really hard to get where I am. This sort of financial carelessness would destroy my mental health.

A separation of finances will be an eye opener for him as to how much he leeches off you.

So please don’t bank on him being all “we won’t go after each others pensions if we split” once he’s having to shell out and cover his own apparent clumsiness and financial mismanagement, and he can’t afford his 8 pairs of work shoes and 2 brand new pairs of trainers that he doesn’t wear because he now doesn’t like them 🙄

Fuck me you earn £180k a year and have bought one pair of shoes in 2 years!!!!

Sorry but I’m fascinated how one salary sacrifices £50-80,000 per year? In my NHS world salary sacrifice buys you bikes and white goods.

Totally agree with everyone that you need an equal personal amount to spend or save individually each month and the rest after bills, food, house and child expenses goes in joint savings.

But also is there room to reduce that salary sacrifice of more than most people earn, even after tax that would cover a few holidays surely!

Get a new bank account for your salary. Joint for bills.
Give him an allowance.

It would make me want to cry, tbh. I'd be so resentful I'd struggle to look at him, so it wouldn't matter how good looking he was, I'd just want to punch him.

It's outrageous he spends so much more than you, and that you're on a fantastic salary and have no money. That's really awful. It's so unkind of him. I'm sure he's kind in that he'll make you a cup of tea if you're tired, but doesn't he ever notice all his shoes and then look at yours? It's as though he doesn't see you.

Have you ever gone through a month's statements and shown him what you put in and what he has taken out, compared to what you've spent?

I wonder if his kindness will still be there later when you're feeling menopausal and murderous, so want to divorce him, and then he has to face the fact your pension will be so much higher?

He must be wasting thousands if you can’t afford a holiday or better than Primark clothes with that household income. But are you sure he’s earning as much as you think as unless your bonus is a big chunk of your salary proportionally, your take home looks low?

That would get me down too, it's not right. To put it into context, our household income is 130kpa, we have our finances set up as per my suggestion, we have £1100 each to do as we like, spend, save or whatever. We are having 2 foreign family holidays and a foreign city break per year, and we have 2 DC. I spend my personal on hair, nails, brows, clothes and save a good amount too. Me and DH have the same attitude towards money.
Being financially incompatible will ruin your marriage.

Time to seperate out money a bit.
From that one account you pay the bills and food. Then by standing order a set amount is transferred to a spending account each
Anyhting left is scooped into a savings account for big purchases and agreed expenses

If they share finances in one pot its not just Ops money, it’s his money as well

I think the fact that he's so professional, competent and good at the rest of his life makes it worse tbh. It means he's choosing to be reckless with money and possessions. Because he doesn't give a shit as he doesn't earn it, and thinks nothing of literally throwing away money that you have worked hard for.

He's extremely careless and you've enabled that with your financial setup. You've taken the place of his dad funding all his accidents and breakages and tickets and missed deadlines and expirations such. Take the previous suggestions about separating finances because he's going to have to be feeling some of the financial pain and even then, he still probably won't change.

He's financially incompetent frittering away money and it's past time to stop enabling that.

You two might be financially incompatible. Try the things people have suggested. He expects someone else to do his thinking for him and until the real cost of that hits home, he's just going to be pissing money away like water. He might still be that way but at least you won't be enabling his incompetence.

Split the finances, you earn over 100k and dont ever treat yourself, give your head a wobble.
Do your household budget, each pay a % as per your salary into joint acc making sure you have equal amounts left in person account. He's needs to be made accountable for his reckless spending

I agree with @AgentJohnson and @HenDoNot .

Women are remarkably adept at being very much in love with incompetent partners. @Chipoltatas , I think you'll find he's as much a user as his mother. You're bringing in the big bucks, so he doesn't need to bother himself with adulting.

How icky ☹️.

I agree with the comment of easy come, easy to. He has no incentive to change because money is always there to cover all these mistakes. As you know, it takes a lot of energy to manage these things, to plan the meals, do the returns, track the subscriptions, etc and he is being lazy or blasé about it because he knows there is enough money so he doesn’t have to worry about the admin of it. I would definitely split your finances. Once he sees how much (or little) is left at the end of the month, then he will think twice and put more effort into planning for things. Just be careful that he doesn’t start asking you to cover his expenses anyway.