WIBU to split finances with DH?

@Chipoltatas You are de-railing your own thread by going into detail about your earnings, salary sacrifice etc. Stick to the point - how to deal with DH.

He has so many amazingly good qualities - it would be absolute madness to even think of dumping him. Just read a few threads on here about how awful the dating scene is, and count your blessings.

So, taking it as a given that you won't be splitting up, the question is how to change things.
You can't change HIM - it doesn't work. He won't change.

So you have to find a way to work around him and live without resentment.
That basically means separate finances.

First, set it up so that you both get paid into your own personal accounts.
Have a joint current account for direct debits and bills, household shopping, and anything to do with children. From the joint account, set up a generous transfer to joint savings for holidays, Xmas, and major household purchases - make sure this is a comfortably large amount each month.
Agree how much you will both pay into the joint current, to cover the amount that goes out, paying proportionally and leaving you both with similar left in your personal accounts.

Make it quite clear to him that the joint current and savings accounts are not to be abused - anything he buys that is not strictly for household or child essentials he has to pay for from his own account. Plus anything for the house or children he breaks or wastes (like the wasted meat and child car seat) he has to pay extra into the joint account to pay for, or replace from his personal account.

If he abuses this, take away his debit card for the joint (you will have to do all the shopping).
If he refuses to pay extra into the joint for wastage/damage, reduce what you pay in to match the amount. This will likely mean then topping up the joint current from the joint savings for that month, and if it happens a lot then having a cheaper Xmas/holiday, unless you freely decide that you will pay extra for Xmas/holiday from your own money (that is your choice).

Then leave him to mis-manage his subscriptions and fines - wash your hands of managing his personal account.
Don't bail him out if he goes overdrawn.

As someone with ADHD what would work best for me if I were bad with finances would be to have very regular catch ups about it.

I would honestly spend a weekend tackling the mess together and then on something like having it as catch up over dinner. The focus would be on him dealing with admin such as paying the speeding fine having to make a case for spending £x when he hasn’t got the money.

One of those money apps when you have different pots for different things that he shows you.

I don’t mean take on the mental load for his money but to make him stop and focus on it and then take action. Hopefully it will help build a better habit in him and it means that any lying/dishonesty can be separated out from genuinely struggling to manage.

The hot water - suggest he sets a timer for when to turn it back off.

Ultimately I can see how these things would become a deal breaker though.

He is responsible for stopping, taking accountability and finding things to help himself function better. There is plenty of resources out there for those with ND conditions to manage their own life better.

He probably finds it all very overwhelming and then just ignores as a way to cope.

He also constantly puts the hot water on for a bath, forgets to have a bath, and forgets to turn the hot water off all night!

I wish I’d read this thread at the time
as he sounds really similar to my DP although maybe not quite as much of the amazing qualities. He is very practical and is a great cook though, and extremely loyal, so maybe I do him a disservice! He has always been bad with money and it frustrates me just how much he wastes: speeding fines go unpaid until he has to pay 3 times the amount, he has to have the most expensive equipment for his current hobby then he changes hobby, so much food gets thrown away because he buys too much and lets it go out of date, he doesn’t return things, he has no issue with throwing things of value away or breaking things, every example you gave I can relate to!

I do earn more than him too but we have always had separate accounts and he transfers his portion of the shared bills. In the past this has meant he was always getting in a mess with his money, constant bank charges for missing payments, not being able to afford to transfer bills money, needing to get out payday loans with huge interest rates that he then couldn’t pay back, asking for money for petrol to get to work etc! There’s been a lot of resentment because it felt like nothing I said made any difference. I did have to help him out at times to stop things escalating so it still impacted on me yet he continued to spend money on himself and waste money so it felt really selfish and disrespectful.

We did try putting our money together and me managing it all for a few months and it was even more stressful - I don’t know how you do this without having a breakdown!

Currently the situation is that he’s agreed not to get anymore loans but he’s constantly at the end of his overdraft. He has no pension or savings which I struggle with as I feel like it’s all on me. We have a child together and I’d like him to take some responsibility for thinking about the future! As we have separate accounts I’m able to save a lot now (I’m used to rarely spending money on myself as a response to his attitude - I also struggle to throw things away!) so financially I’m fine but we don’t feel like a team! I think DP does probably have undiagnosed ADHD, knowing what I do about his childhood, but that’s not an excuse.

I’d love to know if you’ve worked out a way to improve things! I can’t see my DPs attitude to money ever changing tbh! Does it not bother you the impact that it has on your children? We have always still gone on holidays, prob cos my DP also prioritises spending money on holidays even if he can’t afford it, but things like work on the house do get neglected cos I’d have to pay for it all myself and it doesn’t feel fair.

Does he have dyspraxia and possibly ADHd for being so careless and unaware of his physical surroundings.

It would drive me crazy and I wouldn’t be subsidising his lack of attention.

I was the main earner @Chipoltatasand the resentment over how little my ex respected money (and me) festered. He had none of the qualities that your chap has though so you are very lucky in that respect. I’d sit him down explain that spending money will now be personalised and anything not family/household realises come out of own accounts. He won’t ever learn the value of money otherwise. It’s crazy how you’ve haven’t had a holiday or bought yourself something with such a large monthly income and you need to address that ASAP

There's nothing wrong with that at all. DH and I were similar in that we had very different approaches to money. Our way of doing it is to have a joint account that we both contribute to (in proportion to our wages) and otherwise separate accounts for our "personal" spending. It works well. Obviously one of us would never be going without while the other was not, but it means we don't need to be concerned about our day to day spending and whether we agree on it. I earn more and end up paying for more stuff which - after 15 years together - is fine with me. If I think things are getting unbalanced or transfer a contribution (I tend to manage both our finances - mutually agreed).

What are you HTH me with? I’ve got lots of shoes and go on holiday every year

🤣 when you say your husband broke it accidentally, did he bash it with a hammer? If so I can see why you’re pissed off.

Rather than “calling you a liar twice” which, again, you are perfectly aware I didn’t do, I just suggested that there was something awry about your finances other than your husband breaking things. Which is indeed the case to my mind - you’ve listed some discretionary spending as deductions (eg your husband’s work kitty which must be making somebody a fortune); your calculation of c. £2570 remaining for your husband would actually be more like £2515 with everything you listed so you’re missing about £55 you’re accounting for; his professional membership sounds extremely high given his salary; his NI payment sounds slightly too high too. You can snark back if you like but I’d sit down and do a bit of a review/overhaul, because ultimately it’s you that’s struggling for shoes.

🤣 when you say your husband broke it accidentally, did he bash it with a hammer? If so I can see why you’re pissed off.

Rather than “calling you a liar twice” which, again, you are perfectly aware I didn’t do, I just suggested that there was something awry about your finances other than your husband breaking things. Which is indeed the case to my mind - you’ve listed some discretionary spending as deductions (eg your husband’s work kitty which must be making somebody a fortune); your calculation of c. £2570 remaining for your husband would actually be more like £2515 with everything you listed so you’re missing about £55 you’re accounting for; his professional membership sounds extremely high given his salary; his NI payment sounds slightly too high too. You can snark back if you like but I’d sit down and do a bit of a review/overhaul, because ultimately it’s you that’s struggling for shoes.

Okay, well, it’s your child it was supposed to be keeping safe, not mine 🤷🏻‍♀️ I didn’t at any point call you a liar but you already know that. I would suggest you do another go round of your payslips and overall finances though because as I said, we take home the same as you between us on £60k and £62k, and standard deductions wouldn’t account for such a big difference given how much more than us you earn gross.

I think this is a great idea. But have a proper calm heart to heart with him and try (again) to explain how when he takes so much from the joint pot of money with his unnecessary purchases, breakages, fines etc that it then leaves literally nothing for you despite you already feel like you take so little and work so hard. Tell him all the lovely things you’ve told us but then spell out that this part of his behaviour is taking so much from your lovely family and relationship. Hint strongly that it affects your affections (which it does but I wouldn’t use ick) and then lay out the financial plan.
On your salary you should be enjoying life as a family, have personal sensible spending, and have reasonable long term security. But if one personal keeps wasting money it’s like a huge drain on the whole family.
Hopefully this can be the time to really improve things! Best of luck!

Yes, that would work. Does he agree to this?

Have Pm'ed you OP

Hey OP, I meant to post recently on this thread but forgot.

Can see how frustrating the situation is for you but it occurred to me that a lot of what your DH wastes money on is family spending eg the car seat, subscriptions for the kids.

How would you manage that with joint finances?

Also, a car seat that could be broken accidentally by a man being careless needed to be replaced before that actually happened!

We earn £60k and £62k and our take home is about the same as yours (albeit no student loans). We have plenty of shoes and nice holidays. I think there’s something else going wrong with your finances.

Tell him he is right ,
You can spend like he does.
Pull cash every time he buys something.
Then save it somewhere.
Keep double dipping,
buy the end of a month he will see the effect of your bank account.
Then set up a really budget. Cancel all the d/d you can and tell him you both have a fun money amount.
Hand it over in cash and tell him he needs to give you it back for any card purchases.
You will do the same.

Could he be dyspraxic?

Just work out your agreed joint expenses, have an account you each pay into proportionally for those, and then the rest of your money is your own and that's where his mistakes should be paid from.