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Original poster

To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

313 replies

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 13:45

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 12/08/2025 17:16

You’re married to a really awful man, who is not at all kind, even though he can do kind things - like my ex, (notice I say ex!).

Do yourself a massive favour and divorce him. Why would you never leave him, he’s horrible!

Flatulence · 12/08/2025 17:15

Absolutely no way. I significantly out earn my partner and we still own the house 50/50. I put more of my salary into our joint account for the mortgage and bills because that's fair - I have more to start with.

Your husband is controlling and abusive by the sounds of things - both to you and his children. Why on earth won't he allow the kids to be tested for ADHD/autism? Does he want them to struggle?

Honestly he's a giant red flag. There are ways that he can protect his inheritance from his mother if he so wishes, but being tenants in common in his favour rather than joint tenants is 100pc not in your best interests.

GG1986 · 12/08/2025 17:12

He is controlling you financially, don't accept it. What is he going to do if you refuse to sign regarding the 25%?

Ginandtonics · 12/08/2025 17:10

I think that everything is half yours if you decide to divorce, worth checking that out with a solicitor before worrying too much about the actual ownership, particularly as a proportion was gifted by his parents and he may feel he's honouring that. You do contribute less to the relationship in terms of money but I'm not sure why that matters, he still has expensive hobbies you aren't holding him back. Personally I'd object to his overall attitude over you not bringing in enough money because it sounds like it represents his disdain for the relationship, or is that how you are feeling? Does he really value you so little as you put suggest by this post or is it you who is feeling of little value? Seriously, you could be earning nothing and still be entitled to be respected and valued in a marriage, so what you describe sounds abusive, and, personally, I'd have left already.

Movingonup313 · 12/08/2025 17:09

I think you are part way to knowing yourself what the next steps ought to be. Well done for reaching out. Its difficult. This does not sounds like a loving marriage. I am sorry to say that. Lots.of advice here already. If you stay together, please do not agree to a 25% split. He is the one showing his true colours! The absue is not acceptable.

NoOneIsHere · 12/08/2025 17:04

Please don't do this. I did something similar with DH. At the time, it seemed ok to me, but 12 years later with kids involved, I hate knowing that if we divorced, he would have a 3 bedroom house all for himself, but I'd have kids with nowhere to live.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 12/08/2025 17:02

amyds2104 · 12/08/2025 16:58

Also I don’t want to be one of those people but if he is claiming a significant amount of personal bills as part of the business then that doesn’t scream trustworthy individual when it comes to finances. Please seek proper advice as you could be hindering yourself and your children in the future.

Agree. Anyone who does this is shady as anything

Aspanielstolemysanity · 12/08/2025 17:01

The problem is even if you get "your way" you will still be in a horrible toxic relationship. It doesn't sound healthy or supportive.

I would start making long term exit plans

sevenses · 12/08/2025 17:01

amyds2104 · 12/08/2025 16:58

Also I don’t want to be one of those people but if he is claiming a significant amount of personal bills as part of the business then that doesn’t scream trustworthy individual when it comes to finances. Please seek proper advice as you could be hindering yourself and your children in the future.

💯people do tend to do this but it's unethical.

Boutonnière · 12/08/2025 17:00

His mother’s gift can be taken into account for IHT on a sliding scale if she dies in the next 7 years. It could also be taken into account if her now depleted savings cannot fund care for her - she may well be hale and hearty atm but things can change quickly. Would the property have to be sold to satisfy these circumstances ?

The description of his attitude to family finances is just awful and I would not trust his motivation for this split at all.

amyds2104 · 12/08/2025 17:00

Also out of interest you say your DH pays for the kids activities and fees etc but I’m curious what your wages go towards if it’s none of those things? Surely that contributes to some of the bills? It surely goes into the family pot where things are brought and paid for?

pigsDOfly · 12/08/2025 16:58

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 11/08/2025 19:04

OP please read the above post.

You must get away from this man. Please don't let him treat you and the children badly. He's a terrible father, he's not allowing them to be tested for ADHD, he's treating their mother like something on the bottom of his shoe and he'll be training them to tiptoe around him and not question him.

Your therapist is right - unless you are willing to leave this abusive pos, you can't be helped because you're living with the problem

Show quote history

As above.

It's made me feel so sad for you OP to read this thread.

You seem to have no idea what kindness actually is. This awful man isn't kind, he isn't loving and he's abusing you and your children.

Please get yourself to a family lawyer and protect yourself and your children by divorcing him.

Your life will be so much freer and happier without his constant abusive nastiness. All the time you're with him your mental health will suffer; the longer you're with him the more ground down you'll become until he's destroyed you.

amyds2104 · 12/08/2025 16:58

Also I don’t want to be one of those people but if he is claiming a significant amount of personal bills as part of the business then that doesn’t scream trustworthy individual when it comes to finances. Please seek proper advice as you could be hindering yourself and your children in the future.

sevenses · 12/08/2025 16:58

LTB

Please.

He is horrible.

Notfeelinguptoit · 12/08/2025 16:56

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 13:45

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

This is my Ex!!
Not literally but describes him to the T.

Complete financial abuse going on here in regards to the house, your a team? Why is he even thinking about this it should be 50/50.

Luckily we didn’t have a house we owned or I’d imagine my situation would be like yours.

But same - I was a sponger, lazy, didn’t work enough despite having a an autistic child and doing school runs inbetween working.
He made me feel so awful, I wasn’t even allowed to complain about work or say I’m tired because I didn’t work as much as him.
He shamed me for my job, my lack of money.
I was constantly trying to prove I was good enough to him, be smiley and happy, not look tired.
He criticised every aspect of my being and put me down for years.

Honestly it scarred me, it’s took me years to move past the verbal/emotional and psychological abuse and it’s left me with trauma/ptsd which I’m only just starting to work through.

Its majorly hard but you need to get out, find a way.
Contact a woman’s charity as this is emotional abuse. Contact shelter.
Its absolutely not easy to do, but this man is going to eventually break you down.
Put away small amounts of money to get out.
In a few more years if you stay you’ll be a shell of yourself like I ended up.

amyds2104 · 12/08/2025 16:56

Omg please please please seek legal advice rather than advice from mumsnet and see what your legal rights are for everything! You are not sponging of your DH and he sounds emotionally and financially abusive. Also who the hell doesn’t want to see what underlying conditions their children may have so they can access treatment/support. Just vile.

Volpini · 12/08/2025 16:47

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 14:19

Thank you, this was my thought too. I'm fine with that arrangement. I know for a fact he pressured his mum into giving us the money (he'll claim he didn't, she'll go along with that notion, but I've heard their conversations where he was asking ("suggesting") she give it to him for the house).

Show quote history

If he has things a great, why is he financially pressurising both you and his mother…?
Aside from his horrible treatment of you, this is giving me big, loud alarm bells…
He feels totally untrustworthy

Mulledjuice · 12/08/2025 16:46

He's financially abusing you. Please speak to Women's Aid

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/08/2025 16:46

Putting aside the fact that he's abusive...if he has a monetary amount can't he protect that rather than 25% share of the entire house? So the value of the inheritance plus uplifted by whatever the house value increases by in the future. And the rest is a marital asset

Mulledjuice · 12/08/2025 16:44

WindyBeech · 11/08/2025 14:06

Aside from your relationship which clearly needs some work if you're to stay together and enjoy life.

The house should be 50:50 but you can sign to agree that the first £400k (possibly linked to inflation or a % increase in house value) is his if it is ever sold. That way, his 'inheritance' is safe, but you are still equal. Although if you think divorce is on the cards just stick with 50:50.

As for his paying for things through his business, it sounds great now but HMRC take a pretty dim view and he should either be paying tax on the benefit or reimbursing for personal use.

Do not do this!

Noodles1234 · 12/08/2025 16:40

It’s not the first thought for most people when moving, so I’m a little concerned of his motives. However I part get protecting his mother’s inheritance and I have heard of this.

I would counter offer if separation whatever his morhers inheritance was (£400k)? Is ring fenced for him or a pro rata amount if negative equity?. Then after that it is 50/50.

Do not sign under duress, I have concerns about his intentions. I know of someone who split mid sale and DH who initiated it did well out of it all. Get legal advice asap.

If it is purely his inheritance then the above should satisfy him. If it does not that’s alarm bells to me.

SpicyGlitch · 12/08/2025 16:39

Please speak to a domestic abuse organisation and a solicitor.
Do not buy this new house!

Your children will accept this model of relationship, believe it is normal and more than likely continue this cycle in their relationships whether it’s romantic or friendship.

RedToothBrush · 12/08/2025 16:38

So he invisages divorcing you at some point?

He doesn't seem to trust you. Or think its an equal financial partnership.

Why would you buy a house with him? He's not fully invested in your future together.

NoTouch · 12/08/2025 16:37

Go and see a solicitor that is working in your best interests (which is what your dh is try to do for himself) and find out what you are entitled to.

Tell him you want to do this to get independent advice on what is fair to protect yourself the same way he is obviously trying to protect himself, which you don't think was necessary, but if he wants to then you won't sign anything until you are fully informed. You will need all details of all the family finances shared for the discussion with your solicitor - the house/flat, the business, savings, both of your pensions, bank accounts and any other assets.

That will put the wind up him!

After 20 years of marriage you are probably entitled to more than you think. Then make your decision.

1989whome · 12/08/2025 16:32

This guy's ego is out of control! He won't let your kids be tested, when you think they could have sen issues? You know how you have struggled through the years with no diagnosis. Why on earth would you let this bully do the same to your children? Honestly Id leave this guy and his status. How dare he make you feel like you're not good enough, why do yo want to feel like that every day for the rest of your life? You both own you're current house, you'd get half of that. Honestly cut your.losses and save yourself from this man! You will be so much happier in the log run