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Original poster

To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

313 replies

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 13:45

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
peevedpartner · 12/08/2025 22:16

Thank you for all of the replies. Knowing I'm not going crazy or being selfish by not signing has given me a bit of confidence with this.

I refused to speak to him any further about it yesterday. I just felt anxious and sick to my stomach the whole day.

I know many of you have asked why I'm still with him and while I do ask myself this quite often, I stay for the children. I know that won't make sense to a lot of people. But I can guarantee you that if we did divorce he would brainwash my children against me so quickly. I could also not afford to compete with the monetary things he does for the children. Private schools, holidays, expensive gifts, classes, nice house, car, phone etc. He shows his love through money. He holds the money so he holds the power. He would rather lose a leg than not be able to provide those things for our children. He would make sure the children knew I was the reason for the split and constantly bad mouth me to them. I guess I feel that if I'm with him at least I can monitor and have a bit of control over what he says about me. He already makes subtle digs and negative remarks about me under his breath in front of the children when I'm there.

When I refused to sign up to his 25% deal yesterday he got angry and verbally tried to bully me by making me the bad person because I would be the one causing delays with the exchange and holding up the move. I know he absolutely does not want to loose this house, so my plan was to stand my ground and refuse to sign his deal until he accepted the standard 50/50.

I tried to reassure him this morning that I've got no interest in his mums money and I'd be happy to sign a legal document specifying that she get that amount back in the event of divorce. But he got angry and said it's not about the amount his mum has given it's in the house and it's about the house.

He'll twist and turn and chop and change his argument to whatever suits him best.

Today I heard him on the phone speaking with a new lawyer. He asked them if a legal agreement could be put in place after we moved into the house. It seems that he's planning on giving me 50/50 so the purchase is not delayed. But will then want me to sign a legal agreement saying that is I divorce him I only get 25% of the house, but if he divorces me I would still get 50%.

There's no bloody way I'll be signing that either! He'a basically trapping me into an abusive marriage where I would be the one penalised if I want to leave. So that's a hard no from me.

I need to start monitoring what he's doing more because I'm not sure what other accounts he's got that he's squirrelling away money. I'm also very worried that he's going to have a new will drafted up apart from our joint will we did together when we first married that will leave everything including his half of the house in trust to the children. I worry that if he were to pass before me and he leaves everything including his portion of the house to our children or his mum that I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and provide for our children. It's stressing me out

OP posts:
YourAquaLion · 12/08/2025 21:57

He is horrible and I think you need to leave him but don’t give up on yourself and what you are capable of - I have a brain like a sieve too (I’ve been told I have ADHD too and it seems about right!) but I write everything down in my phone diary and phone notes pages, and I have a paper diary too. That way I can remember everything! He doesn’t seem to value you at all, but importantly, you don’t seem to value yourself and your contribution to the relationship either. Read lots of self help books (the cheap version of therapy) and distance yourself from him. He sounds like he is very bad for you and very much not a team player at all.

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 12/08/2025 21:45

You seriously need to leave this man.
He has clearly done a number on your self esteem over the last 20yrs, for you not to realise you deserve better!
And to stop your kids getting a diagnosis that would help them get the support they need in school is despicable! My son and I have ADHD and that part alone would be enough to leave!

Sgreenpy · 12/08/2025 21:28

It honestly sounds OP that you be considering divorcing your husband. As you have a long relationship and have dependant children any solicitor will tell you that you have a 50% claim on all assets, whether in your name or his.
Xx

PansyPotter84 · 12/08/2025 20:27

Unless you’re planning on splitting up everything in a marriage should either be 50/50 or you don’t count the cost.

DH earns far more than me and pays all
the bills but I contribute in other ways and he sends me money when I need it and I organise most of the childcare and home
stuff as well as working shorter hours than him and closer to home.

It’s meant to be teamwork and not counting costs like that if you still love each other.

Skybluepinky · 12/08/2025 19:48

Run for the hills, the relationship will never last.

Pherian · 12/08/2025 19:47

peevedpartner · 11/08/2025 13:45

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

Go speak up a divorce lawyer in your area and get advice. You could really be screwing yourself.

PrinceRegentLady · 12/08/2025 19:08

Tell him that if anything you sign is going to be legally binding, you need independent legal advice given to you, personally, before signing. (This is in fact the case.)

This will mean you see a solicitor. Don’t sign anything otherwise.

Personally I think it’s fair to want to protect his £400k by ring fencing it as pp have suggested. (I probably would not give money to my children unless it was ring fenced in this way.)

But otherwise! Honestly the man is appalling. He clearly neither likes nor respects you & is an atrocious bully! You’ve actually reached the stage where you’re justifying how much you eat!

Staying married to him sounds like a big mistake- when you see a solicitor for advice on the house set up, I would also ask if someone in the firm (which will need to not be one that represents your husband for it to be independent legal advice) can advise you on DIVORCE.

You will end up financially secure, given his income (just as long as you don’t allow yourself to be bullied). Life will be better without him.

bangalanguk · 12/08/2025 18:53

When you are married or in a relationship and have children together then assets should be jointly owned no matter how much you contribute individually. Your contribution to the marriage is not just your salary. What happens if you inherit any money? Whilst you are both counting your individual financial contribution then your relationship will continue to be problematic and you will feel resentful if he forces you into a disproportionate ownership of the house.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 12/08/2025 18:34

Denying his children medical care is abuse.

Biggles27 · 12/08/2025 18:23

In the event of divorce at least half the house is yours, no matter how it’s put down. With him being a higher earner & with kids you’ll probably get more than half (happened to my sil when she divorced 1st husband - she got 75% of the house).

id be tempted to divorce anyway from what you’ve said about him ☹️

LateLifeReturnee · 12/08/2025 18:21

Everything we own as a couple is 50/50. Every penny we bring in is is ours not mine and theirs. It has never mattered who made more. That has always fluctuated. We decided jointly what to do with my husband's inheritance and will do the same if I receive one.

House should be owned 50/50 in my book. End of. No one should be ring fencing money in a marriage from the other partner.

Except I think at this point you ( or someone with a partner in recovery from addiction.) I'd work on amassing a leave fund. I couldn't live like this. I'm so sorry.

Greyhound98 · 12/08/2025 18:17

Divorce him, take your fair share of marital assets and live a peaceful life without this guy who openly thinks you are a sponger.

TubeScreamer · 12/08/2025 18:14

Please don’t sign.
this thread makes my blood run cold. Please leave him if you can.

Fraggeek · 12/08/2025 18:06

For the sake of getting your children the support they need NOW, you need to leave him.

The moment any man tells me I cannot seek a diagnosis that would open up a world of support for my child, I'd be gone.

Divorce him and use the bastard's money to pay for the assessment.

He says it's all about the money and I think he's right in a way. You're staying with him for the lifestyle/money aspect and not putting your children first. Do you want your children to struggle into adulthood like you did? Because that's what you're setting them up for 😥

MyQuirkyTraybake · 12/08/2025 18:03

He a tight miser who doesn't trust you. I'd be worried why he's suddenly wanting to cover his ass. Check his phone me thinks.

You need to save at least 20% of your monthly cheque. Stop cutting yourself short now he's shown his true colours. Personally I'd be squirreling all my income away after this announcement. It doesn't seem safe.

Invoice him for kids, your domestic work, meal prep and mental tasks like shopping lists etc. You enable him to have kids, do his grand job and expensive hobbies!

CF.

JustMyView13 · 12/08/2025 17:58

His math is wrong, if he’s contributing 25% from ‘inheritance’ the fair math is:
100% - 25% =75%
75% / 2 = 37.5%
37.5% + 25% = 62.5% (his share)
100% - 62.5% = 37.5% (your share)

Carzycat · 12/08/2025 17:49

I don’t understand this. If you’re married surely joint tenancy/tenancy in common will only come into play if one of you dies? In terms of divorce what’s his is yours and yours is his as far as I’m aware, and gets aplit 50/50. That’s assuming you are in England though, which may not be the case?
I agree you need to get some legal advice to ensure you are fully aware of the consequences.

BotterMon · 12/08/2025 17:38

Take the 50% from current property and sell the other one so another injection of cash and buy something else just for you and the kids.
He sounds vile although I am team DH when it comes to protecting the £400k he is getting from his mother as you have no claim to that. If he gets nasty you know a lot about his dodgy tax avoidance schemes.

Moellen54 · 12/08/2025 17:38

I wouldn't stay on those terms. Either 50/50 or refuse to sign anything to sell your current property. And give your s* mil a talking too if she is in agreement. Surely she supports having your children taken care of? And tell him where to shove your deal over your salary too. Stand up for yourself and your children. No one else will

everythingthelighttouches · 12/08/2025 17:34

Well he’s just made it so that it is much more advantageous for you to not sell the current house and to divorce him immediately.

RB68 · 12/08/2025 17:25

Joint costs should come out of a joint account - so bills, kids activities, clothes and presents etc.

The money you get to keep should be yours and I would be making sure plenty goes into pension pots etc otherwise you will be shafted, unfortunately if you have your own business then its easier to hide wealth and reduce income for Divorce purposes.

In terms of the Maths on the new Mortgage I agree with others its fair to recognise an inheritance of that size but it doesn't mean that it is right to ring fence it all for himself - at the end of the day you are married and in all likelihood if you separated then you would end up being the main person sorting the kids, although I could be wrong. If his Mums share of the house is 25% effectively then the remaining 75% should be divided between the two of you equally so its not a 75/25 split but 37.5 to you and 62.5 to him just so you note that.

Mamabear487 · 12/08/2025 17:23

Why are you purchasing another house with him if he’s emotionally abusive? You’re supposed to be a team which is 50/50. My OH pays everything I do work but part time but all our wages go into the joint account for everything and I deal with the house, kids etc I could never imagine him saying stuff like your DH! If I was in your shoes I really would divorce him, sell the properties you have and take half the inheritance 😂 good luck don’t sign anything until you’ve spoken to someone. What an ass he is

Summerhillsquare · 12/08/2025 17:22

This is really serious stuff so don't take advice on legal and financial maters given here as the gospel. He seems like he has long ago set out to keep you down, especially financially.

ThreeLocusts · 12/08/2025 17:19

OP this brings to mind the old mumsnet adage: 'you can't be a good father if you're a shit husband'. Plus, he's actually a shit father on the evidence.

One of my kids finally got her AuDD diagnosis after having psychotic symptoms. I'd have had her tested years earlier but for her father. Still struggling to forgive myself for not finding a way to make it happen over his objections.

That he refuses the testing suggests that the kids are vanity projects for him - if he actually cared for them, he wouldn't baulk at the notion that his precious sperm produced a child with a developmental disability.

Do not give up any entitlement you have as this man's wife, get him out of your head and yourself and the children away from him. It won't be easy; take your time. But please do it.

You've got to make sure he stops dragging you down. To take 40% of your paycheck while telling you you contribute nothing is vile, and you've nearly started believing him. He's bad for you and that therapist was right.

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