To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

He needs to choose a house that enables you to be 50:50 owners. If that means a cheaper house, so be it.

You need to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this abuse.

Fair is to ring fence the £400k in his favour but everything else is 50/50.

OP please please don't sign up to his 'deal'. It simply benefits him with no regard for his children or you as their mother. This is terribly transactional. I think he absolutely has plans to divorce you and he's trying to get himself in the best financial position he can so he can leave you with very little (in his head).

Look how you've observed him treat his own mother to obtain a considerable sum of money from her.

Honestly, you'd be far better off financially by divorcing him and you can live in your own home where you and your children are free from his monstrous ways.

You were unable to get a diagnosis for your ADHD until you were 40, he's presumably well aware of I'm the impact that had on you but now he's denying his children the opportunity for testing and diagnosis. What an appalling example of a father.

Op - you owe it to yourself and your children to get some legal advice very quickly. Hell would freeze over before I brought another house with this abuser.

@peevedpartner We were only able to buy our first home due to an inheritance my husband received from his grandmother. I didn't really work while we lived there. Only part time for my husbands business now and we are in our second home. He never ever suggested the house was anything but 50/50. Your relationship sounds toxic and I worry for your children who will see it as a normal dynamic, break the cycle for them, think about if one of your children said the things you have said here about their husband, what would you tell them to do. I don't think for one second you would advise them to stay in that relationship, life is too short.

OP seriously. A marriage is a partnership. It’s isn’t giving your OH money if he earns that much. It isn’t him trying to ‘protect’ a shared asset. Just because his mum gave him the money doesnt mean you aren’t entitled to half - that’s what a marriage is. Why can he have expensive hobbies and afford all that he does and you can’t? The fact that you are talking about not eating much and not being expensive to keep should be a massive red flag for you.

Stop trying to figure out a way to negotiate and him trying to keep more money. You have kids. Say you are entitled to half as you are married and won’t be signing anything else.

No there are legal ways of doing it. They should see a solicitor together unless OP wants to see a solicitor to discuss all the options including divorce.

Not necessarily - his mother's gift money could be ringfenced so when they sell the house he gets that amount back before the rest is distributed, for example.

Lots of people saying he should ring-fence the gift from his mother. Surely the only way to guarantee this is for his mother to retain a stake in the new house or to establish a trust.

In a 20 year marriage, a financial gift is to him as a married man. And therefore included in the combined assets of the family.

Only if mum has actually handed it over

Do not go ahead with the house purchase. He sounds absolutely awful. Collect as much evidence of his funds as you can then start the divorce he's so scared of. Your poor kids don't deserve to live with a man like that either.

Apart from anything else he is committing tax fraud. If you decide to stay with him (and I agree with most PP that you should think very carefully about this) that has to stop.

Also if you do divorce him now, you would get half of his £400,000, as he would have to declare it

OP. I'm pretty sure in law, if you're married it's 50/50? Unless your signing some sort of mid marriage prenup? Please take legal advice. You'd be surprised how people can be duped by loved ones who can be less than honest when it comes to money. Lying by omission is not that honest either and plenty of them do that.

OP, he sounds like he has one foot out the door and you’d be foolish to agree to anything other than equal shares in this house after 20 years of marriage. He’s future proofing for leaving you.
DW and I own everything equally, despite my earning around a third of the salary she does. We’re a family, a team and my contribution to the family has been far more over the years than the £££ I earn - child rearing, compromising on earning power etc.
This man is NOT valuing you. I would start looking at an exit plan- you and your children deserve better. If he’s such great dad, then he can have them 50/50 and continue being a great dad while you have your freedom from his control.

So. For the most part he's nice apart from when he's a complete cock.

You can't undo being a complete cock by sometimes being nice.

So you (as a couple, on paper) are very comfortable. Yet you can't attend therapy that is beneficial to your wellbeing... because you don't have money? Your husband is not your partner, for this reason alone. He can do expensive, time and space consuming hobbies, but you can't do a basic of prioritising your mental and physical health... this is awful.

You suspect adhd/Asd with you kids (with a much bigger chance given one parent has aadd), but dad refuses to seek support with this. This alone would have me walk. How awful that his needs come above his children's?! Not a loving, caring parent.

You say is he abusive... but that you won't leave. That he is horrible to the children, yet you won't leave. Now, for me, if he is fully invested in this relationship divorce wouldn't be a discussion after how long you've been together. You're both not happy. What he is doing is exerting more control over you, making you financially not able to leave him. Surely a healthy relationship is equal partnership, and that both people are CHOOSING to stay, not made to feel like they need to by guilt, financial abuse... sorry I think it is heading that way, and emotional abuse.

He dislikes your friends... shocking. Because they didn't put up with a shit husband. Badmouths then to try and isolate you?

So many red flags in one post.

Please reconsider your stance. Get out. Not only to save yourself before you are worn down even further, but because you are currently teaching your children that this is a healthy, normal marriage, which is definitely isn't. You know that deep down, your therapist told you, and you're posting here because your gut tells you something isn't right!

Would you be happy if one of your children was in a relationship like yours? I bet the answer is no. Lead by example, get out and teach them to put themselves first in a safe and loving space.

I know it is hard to make that leap. But in a year you won't regret it.

Why are you committing to buying another house with him when you’re clearly in a miserable marriage.

No wonder he wants to protect his inheritance when he too knows the marriage has run its course and is over. It’s just a waiting game until you divorce so he wants his inheritance protected.

This OP. If you have to go ahead with it, then ring fence the 25% and 50/50 split the rest.

I put 4 x what my DP puts into our joint account, but we’re a team and he has as much say as me in everything - holidays, big spending etc. I can’t imagine treating him like your DH. I would expect that he has only been able to climb the ladder so high because you’ve been in the wings supporting him and picking up the slack.

If the roles were reversed what’s the name Mumsnetters use for a man who’s living with a woman who earns, and pays for significantly more than him? Begins with ‘C’?
I think that the money given to the H from his DM should be ringfenced. If it equates to, say, 20% of the purchase price of the house, then the remaining 80% should be split equally, meaning that the OP owns 40% and the H owns 60%. In reality this would only impact the OP if her H were to die as his share would go to whomever he chose in his Will. In the case of divorce, how much each owns would be pretty irrelevant in the splitting of assets and I suspect that the OP would come out of the marriage significantly better off than him.

Another vote for LTB.
Honestly OP this is no way to live. This is not how a decent man treats the mother of his children.

He sounds horrible, but it is fair that he wants to protect money given to him by his own parents.

This. Whether the house is entirely in his name or your name, in the event of divorce a judge will decide who gets what %.

You are living with a monster. Who is also committing tax offences, which I hope he gets prosecuted for asap.

I agree with this, say that you do not want to move under these circumstances.