To think adult children owe their parents nothing?

Women still take the career hit far more often than men for caring responsibilities.

I don’t owe my parents anything and they would never hold that over me. The time I spend with them and things I do for them are because I love them, not because I feel obligated or because it’s my duty. I guess it gets more complicated if your relationship with your parents isn’t as straight forward or if there is a cultural precedent. But generally speaking, I don’t think you should do certain things, ‘put up’ with certain behaviours or keep really harmful people in your life just because you’re related.

I think we owe all other humans a certain level of kindness whether they are family or not. But I think if you’re acting out of obligation for family members, it’s not the healthiest dynamic and worth exploring why. Mostly to avoid growing resentment/burnout. There’s a big difference between having a good or great relationship and wanting to help vs feeling like you have to just because you’re related and resenting every second.

On the flip side, I think parents ‘owe’ their children a lot because they are so central to shaping who they are (personality and mental health wise). The dynamic is totally different. Parents in most cases cannot fairly blame their children for their lot in life but children can rightfully blame their parents for some of theirs (not for everything but for some pretty significant things like substance abuse, anxiety or depression). I’m not saying parents are automatically to blame in these situations, just that they can be.

I think most people will want to help loving and decent parents, but for love, not a debt of gratitude.

The kind of parent that would say "after all I have done for you", probably wasn't a great parent. "[Everything] they did for you" was probably the absolute minimum and done, not for love, but in the expectation of payback later.

Make no mistake there will never be enough payback to satisfy the debt they think you owe them. Such parents deserve jack-shit from their adult children.

I think it's important to look at the bigger picture. Elderly people need help. Not just money or physical care, but help with things like getting to the bank, figuring out what forms you need to fill out online, buying the right kind of compression socks, and so on. Even people in care homes typically need this kind of help, the staff isn't helping them get an appointment with the bank, driving them over, and sitting with them while they discuss their savings plans to make sure everything is in order.

If no one does these things, we have a lot of old people who will be in real trouble. I see some of them in my work and it isn't pretty. Even the elderly jerks and criminals need this sort of help.

So who is meant to give it to them? Strangers with no connection to them, relatives, who else is there? Or do we just want to leave those people to moulder alone?

I don't think it's just about love and appreciation. There is a duty of care to those around us and the people we have the most connection to in our own family, then those in our community, and so on.

There can be times when a family is so fucked up totally cutting ties is appropriate, but that's not the same as saying it's all about love.

Yep. I’m doing what I need to do, but I feel like an administrative assistant only. I would love to feel a sense of devotion and love towards my elderly parents as I care for them tenderly in their old age. But the way they brought me up means I have none of that. I will sort out their bills and their cleaner and gardener and their online food shopping etc and that’s it.

Owe it? No.

But to have such a weak relationship that you wouldn't want to be there for your parents if they need you? That seem a sad state of affairs, especially if there's no estrangement at play.

Exactly

In the past there was a social expectation that women would care for elderly relatives

But now, the women are out at work all day and the elderly relatives live longer with complex health conditions

I really dont like that kind of talk. I wouldn’t say that to my children. My parents have never said it to me. MIL on other hand, gave DH selfishness driven upbringing and she talks like that. She put herself and her friends ahead of him. I like to think we pay it forward. That always feels nice 😍

I think I owe my parents quite a lot really.

It's not a qiven that parents should bend over backwards and not receive any reward or gratitude ever. Given that I was utterly obnoxious for quite a lot of my life and it took quite a while to recognise it, it's now time for me to return the favour. And, I do because I love them dearly.

Presumably you would extend that to everyone else as well OP. None of us owe anything to anyone, society be damned.

Or is it just non-related people that we owe?

I couldn’t imagine my children ever saying that to me or not wanting to care for me in my old age because they love me and I love them. We would do whatever needed to be done for the other.
On the flip side I won’t be helping my mother when she hits old age, nor do I care about not receiving any inheritance upon her death. I find the people who feel this way had shit parents, so do not care for them, just like the parents did not care for their children properly. If a parent is abusive or neglectful, they reap what they sow.

For me, doing things now for my elderly Mum (92) is a way to 'pay back' for all the things she did for me, and as a way to thank her for all the help and support over the years. She's almost deaf, can't walk very far (and when she does, she's terrified after having had a bad fall), can't deal with the internet or pretty much everything in the world now, so I do a lot of little things for her, to help her out.

She is very independently minded and I know that she has no desire to ever be a 'burden' but age and the world have put her in a more vulnerable place than she was say a decade ago. I do feel I 'owe' her, but not in any terrible sense, but rather that I now do things for her that she once did for me when I was small. Its a way of expressing my love for her.

Completely agree. I owe my surviving parent the grand total of fuck all. Doing things for each other because you love and care for each other, that’s different. But no adult ever owes another adult.

I have made some quite big sacrifices for my DC but they were mine to make and I chose that.

All I expect from DC is to treat me with respect and be reasonable. When I’m old I’d like them to visit me if I can’t visit them and keep in contact but I’d like them to ultimately live a good life and be happy. I would not want to be a burden to them.

For my parents, my DM died when I was a child but DF lived until I was almost 40. He hadn’t been a great parent though and whilst I did care and visited regularly I did not build my life around his wants and needs.

No, nobody "owes" parents anything just because their parents gave birth to them, but where parents have been loving and kind, then the children tend to also love their parents and naturally want to support them when they need it.

When my parents needed help from us, there was no feeling of 'having to' because we 'owed them' but just 'wanting to' because we loved them.

However I also get that if you are an adult whose parents didn't interact with you and your own dc, and didn't ever put themselves out to build a relationship with your spouse and your children, then you don't have that same relationship, so wouldn't think it is your role to start looking after them.

It's really not a yes / no question though. Relationships are FAR more complicated than that.

I had a shitty childhood and was unloved and emotionally neglected. My parents are now elderly and needing support. I do it because I have to out of a sense of duty. I would probably be evicted from my Asian family if I did any less. However, deep down I resent every second of it.

This.

What a bleak, disconnected view of the world. Leaving aside abusive parents, families should support each other and build each other up. You should have each other’s backs and rely on each other.

Being connected to other people through family bonds and love is a deeply meaningful, rich and satisfying way to live.

No wonder mental health and trust in each other has gone through the floor if two thirds of people ( based on this vote) think you owe your parents nowt. And it’s not about ‘owing’ , it’s not transactional. It’s about love, decency and connection.

No, but by the same token, parents don't owe adult kids anything. Including any inheritance...😉

Eh I'd do anything for my mum. So would my brother and sister. If she ever needs us, we'll be there as she was for us our whole lives.

Not just because of biology, no. But I think its sad (and a bit stroppy teenagery) when people justify not reciprocating a lifetimes worth of love, care and sacrifice with 'Well I didn't ask to be born' or some such. Decent people who have had good parents want to give a little back when their parents need them. They don't think of it as a transaction and what they owe, its just an act of love to those who love you.

I’ve been mulling this over recently. I’m middle aged. I’ve currently got an aunt and another relative on my side of the family who are trying to freeload. On my husband’s side we’ve got his mother trying to freeload. By this I mean;

• constantly wanting to come and stay at our house (at least every month - obviously trying to ‘subtly’ move in)
• wanting almost daily phone calls (which last literally hours)
• expecting us to cancel holidays in order to do things for them
• constantly pestering for one of us to go over and do jobs on the house/do online bookings for them etc
• seeming to resent any free time we have, and wanting our undivided attention to do things for them.

Having this from three elderly relatives at the same time is very challenging. I gave my mum and grandmother a lot of care and attention at the ends of their lives because they were lovely and I loved them. But the pressure I’m having at the moment from these three is very stressful, especially because I’m having health problems. They all seem to think we owe them.

I don’t OWE them anything but I love them so will always be there for them. My dd told me she’ll always be there for me when I’m old but I would never expect it or make her feel bad if not.

I'd say that no, you owe them nothing up until adulthood. But after that, it's a relationship between two adults and if you take from them you owe them in return.

Me and my Dad don't have a great relationship. Yeah, he provided for us financially growing up, but he was never really interested as a parent, and had a string of affairs and generally treated my Mum like crap. As a result we don't have a great relationship as adults. We go out for a few pints once a month or so, but that's it. I don't go to him with my problems, he doesn't come to me with his, and there's no chance I'm going to be looking after him in his old age. The lack of a decent relationship annoys him, he thinks he's owed better, but he never put the work in to deserve that.

My Mum on the other hand was a fantastic parent, and I don't feel I owe her anything for that up until I reached adulthood. If you're going to have a kid, then fantastic parent should be the minimum standard you hold yourself to really.

But then I became an adult, and she continued to be a fantastic parent. She offered support of all kinds, emotional, practical, financial. She paid for holidays when we couldn't, did childcare because she wanted to, offered advice when it was requested and (largely) kept her nose out when it wasn't wanted.

I tried to be a fantastic son in return, but never had a chance to really repay her. I didn't have the money, the time at that age, and I'll never get the chance to look after her in her doddering old age, because she died in her late 50s.

I would have though, because I did owe her. Not for my childhood, but for everything she did afterwards.