To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

Well it’s up to her, but the thing that saddens me is that your children are e posed to this and I assume they’ve no choice? Will they grow up believing they are dirty?

I couldn’t cope with this, it's a form of OCD and he needs help.

You are enabling his disordered behaviour.

I would be expecting him to get help/diagnosed. His life SHOULD be affected by this, stop making it your problem and make it his.

Is he going to expect to leave things lying about for days (the glass on the side) and get upset that you have cleaned it or is he going to clean up after himself promptly??

OCD isn't rational
It's pointless saying "if he can kiss you, he can drink from your glasses"

That's a rational thought that kissing and drinking are sharing the same mouth and spit. Irrationally however, it's not

So you made it more of an issue by getting offended and acting like he thinks you're "unclean" when he doesn't think that at all, it's just not HIS glass in his (ND) mind?

And he was willing to find a solution that worked without you spending money but you've still spend money?

I think you need to speak to him and say "I know you don't think you need help because it's not affecting your life. But it's starting to affect mine and the kids. I think you need to look at getting help or this is over."

What a load of nonsense. He can use cutlery and glasses elsewhere.
Also no way would I be buying separate glasses. He can buy them. How does he know no one will contaminate them when he’s not there ?

What does he do about toilets, OP? I'm sure, as others have said, he can't help it, but there has got to be easier men out there.

I'd certainly never wash another item for him. It obviously creates too much of a problem and now you know to leave it well alone.

Does he do his own washing while he's at yours? Does he cook/clean up after himself or do anything at all to pull his weight in terms of not making extra work for you? Or does his blasé attitude toward his many 'eccentricities' extend to everything in his environment? If the latter then I really would find it impossible to respect him.

Difficult, especially when the person may not realise they have OCD. There are resources, a GP can signpost and support. There's also medication, which was a gamechanger for me after 10 years of trying to self-manage.

Not sure I could deal with that particular quirk.. It's just too annoying, and it must come up so frequently! I would be wondering what will happen if/ when you ever decide to move in together. Will he then start using the same dishes, glasses, and cutlery as you, or not? Because presumably you will still have your children over for meals from time to time, if not friends. Will he still need to keep his own set of things separate from everything else? I would have a hard time too accepting that, but perhaps you can manage it.

If he's a loving partner in every other way I could tolerate this, but I understand why it would sometimes be frustrating to be his partner. OP, you sound kind and patient.

When I ask about restaurants etc he says they go through an industrial super hot washer so he can just about manage that.

What do the restaurant staff say when he inspects their kitchen ?

E2A: And how can a thread involving glassware and bedside tables in AIBU not mention penis beakers ?

Sorry, I mis-read 🤦‍♀️

I think if you're happy to accommodate this, then it has to be his responsibility to maintain it and provide what he needs. Set aside a cabinet for him, get him to bring a full set of everything he needs and keep it in the cabinet. He has to keep things clean and washed up and it's not your responsiblity.

My friend has a full separate cabinet for her coeliac husband so the kids aren't constantly being told not to touch things if they want a snack, etc. so it can work, but it's her husband's responsibility to sort things out.

My daughter is autistic so I spend a lot of time working around her - she has feelings about noises and smells and such and we actually spend quite a lot of effort / money to create as peaceful a life for all of us as possible. I can find myself a bit resentful at time which makes me feel really guilty - but she's a child and is actually my responsibility. Your partner is neither so needs to manage this himself.

I hope he wears a tunic and hangs the pouch off his belt.

I don’t really understand why it offends you - it’s clearly a him issue, and not a rational or reasonable assessment of your hygiene.

Being offended feels like a waste of energy - like taking a toddler’s opinion of your cooking personally. It’s certainly tiresome, and could well be a relationship breaker. Maybe try and reflect on why it’s triggered this particular reaction? As women we carry a huge burden of expectation around hygiene, housekeeping and home making. And there are longstanding cultural tropes about women fixing men.

It sounds like he has a deep, embedded issue that will not just go away, without professional help, if even then. You don’t get to choose to walk away from your dc, but you do get to choose what you’re willing to take on with a partner.

I’m guessing that it feels easier to say “how rude” because it shifts blame away from you, and simplifies the complexity of rejecting someone for what is essentially a disability. As mums of autistic dc, it can feel really wrong to even put ourselves first. The feelings can get tangled up in our feelings, responsibilities (and resentments too) towards our dc. Simply, it feels like bad karma.

The problem is that if you don’t confront it head on, you can sleepwalk into a situation that is adding to your burdens. Being offended is a short term thing, and it may not have the emotional ooompff to help you extract yourself, especially if you have the sort of subconscious rumblings I’ve described.

And you may not. I could be wide of the mark.

But just in case I will reiterate: we don’t get to choose our dc, but we can choose our partners.

“He’s clearly not the first person to lick that!” Just did me in OP you’re hilarious!
Would he be more comfortable if you had a dishwasher do you think? Assuming you don’t based on him being ok in restaurants (I think he’s wrong though, suspect your plates and glasses are much cleaner. Maybe don’t say that!)

Don’t know how anyone could live with this. It’d drive me nuts!

Yes that's true. Why the heck isn't he buying his own new glass since it's his issue??

Just for my own records, what does his special cutlery pouch look like?

Do you really want to ride him after seeing him wearing that?

If he was so upset he should have bought himself a new glass.

By the way, I've worked in restaurants and he's deluding himself if he thinks those glasses are any cleaner than what he'll have in a private home!