To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

This so interesting to me OP, the shoe thing applies to my son as well. One pair of Timberlands on the go, another in the box. Also the weighing out of food. Same thing everyday, all weighed out, a 'uniform' set way of cooking it, i.e, the chicken is cut into chunks with scissors, Never a knife, then coated in breadcrumbs with a spoon, Never use your fingers, the ketchup is weighed out into a little pot, Never put on the plate. Lots and lots of other things and he knows he has got OCD.

it's sometimes amusing to watch to tell the truth, but I leave him to it.

He may not deliberately “attempt to control” you through his behaviour - it is far more likely that his behaviour is his way of controlling elements of his life that he finds distressing - but the fact is his expectations and demands are imposing control on you, your family and your home life as unintentional collateral damage through his behaviours.

I'm not sure, I'd say I wouldn't use till it had gone through the dishwasher.
I'd probably use a cup instead as BF's kids usually don't have drinks in cups.

Yes I'd say it's your teenagers in your case as well, since he's kissed you, etc.

How exhausting. Is he a very good lover so you put up with this nonsense?

@KaitlynnFairchild so hes making you out to be the villain. Typical twattish behaviour . Best thing to do imho is show him the door and tell him to close it behind him

There are a lot of things going on here that I would struggle with but him not washing up his own shit and expecting you to facilitate yet not take personal responsibility for the management of his issues, hell no.

Throw this one back. My sympathy for him stopped at his entitlement.

Come on op, why are parenting an adult?

Yeah I don't know that I would keep being understanding of someone who absolutely refuses to see that they are causing issues for everyone around them. He's a dick IMO and I'd have no patience at all for such a lack of self-awareness and/or stubborn refusal to accept they are difficult!

I’m a bit like that because in restaurants cutlery is usually washed in a dishwasher. I’ve been thinking lately don’t think I’d be able to go to a certain family member’s house (who I haven’t seen for ages) because the plates just get washed with their sponge 🤢 my sister accuses me of having OCD

@KaitlynnFairchild we took them to a clinical psychologist specialised in the area to work with them on it. Intensive as a child/teen and then sporadic as an older teen, young adult, adult if different things ‘flared up’.

A quick Google will show you quite a range of meds that are good indicated for OCD, that is, have been assessed and deemed to be effective and safe by worldwide health authorities (such as MHRA, EMA and FDA). As with any medicine, not every medicine will suit every individual, but there is quite a range to try! It would be extremely unusual if nothing at all suited.

My friend is like this and it's just part of who she is. We all have our quirks. She can't help it and she knows it's un-rational. So she can eat in restaurants because their stuff is clean, but not in holiday homes or other peoples houses.

I have odd things that I am weird about, so we just laugh and we both say we are both weird.

DD is ADHD, awaiting ASD assessment, and she has a lot of quirks about stuff.

This is who he is, and he can't help it. I do think it is odd for you to take offence about your stuff being "dirty". I am sure that he would love to be "normal".

Im afraid I wiuld be running a mile from this man. I dont want to disrespect OCD sufferers as I am aware how serious it can be, but tbh he seems to be a bit selective about it,
or to be more blunt, I think hes taking the piss

This isn't going to change, OP. There's no point researching OCD treatment if he won't engage with it. The only question is whether you can live with this. I couldn't.

Honestly, I’d bin him. I say that as a parent of an adult child who has had OCD forever. They had to live in a full household, so basically there wasn’t a lot of scope for it to impact others without it being unfair to their siblings. So, we spent a shit tonne on getting it under control to the point we could all rub along without their siblings childhoods being too impacted. Now and again, they slip and we tell them to get back and get help pronto, meds adjusted, whatever it takes basically and they get the help needed to reign it back in to an acceptable state - will never be ‘normal’, which is fine, we just need acceptable.

I couldn’t tolerate this at all. His behaviour would drive me fucking nuts. Cutlery that he keeps in a little pouch?? He sounds about as sexy as Mr Bean.

Well obviously he’s being unreasonable, but it does sound like a MH or ND issue rather than him deliberately being rude. If he’s okay about ever else I’d let it go.

No, I'd not be offended. If he shared a bed with me and had sex with me, I'd know it wasn't personal and that he didn't see me as 'unclean', but was a sign of something else, mental health or cognitive related. I'd know it was a him thing and not a me one so no need for offence.

Mental. I couldn’t be doing with that, even before the not knowing what glass was his issue. As others have said, if he can use cutlery etc in restaurants he can do it anywhere.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

He's almost certainly got OCD. This is a classic OCD behaviour. Illogically fixating on a specific hygiene-related thing while being not that bothered about other things, and extreme reaction to someone else breaking his 'rules'.

He may also be autistic, of course. But he almost certainly has OCD whether he's autistic or not.

However, the fact that he's got a mental illness doesn't mean you have to put up with his behaviour. He sounds very reminiscent of my friend's ex-partner who had OCD and essentially made his partner and children's life incredibly difficult by a) having irrational rules about what was and wasn't OK in the home and b) getting in a mood when they broke them. Like your boyfriend, he also refused to accept that he needed treatment because it 'didn't affect his life' when it was affecting his family's life quite seriously. My friend's daughter had some real self-esteem issues when she was young because her father's particular OCD focus was essentially implying that she and her brother were 'dirty', which she obviously found really upsetting.

I’d have very little time for this. I wouldn’t be with someone like this. It never gets better.

well I kind of think it is......I mean why would it give you the shudders about someone because someone else uses a word that you don't like?

He doesn't have visitors at his home, he doesn't make people feel comfortable and relaxed there so nobody comes.

I would end it unless you'd be happy to eventually stuck with 'just him' as no one will be wanting to visit your home if he's there....