To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

There is another explanation

He has a condition which makes him think illogically

Sorry but the personal special cutlery pouch would give me the ick. If he genuinely doesn’t have ocd or similar or isn’t ND then this is something I’d have a really hard time putting up with. But it really sounds like he does, in which case he can’t help it but needs to admit he has a problem and seek help for it. If he doesn’t, it sounds like living with him, as you eventually plan to, would be a living nightmare

No, but it is impacting YOUR life and will continue to do so.

It's so hard. I'm sorry

This sounds like contamination OCD. It doesn't necessarily make rational sense, the thought can apply to one thing and not another. He clearly has some kind of contamination fear that arises in domestic homes. Do you think he would be open to speaking to a therapist trained to support people with OCD or get a diagnosis?

I wouldn't ever live with him. That will be an utter nightmare for you.

Due to the nature of OCD, it can be hard to identify and admit when things aren't going well and you need more help

True. But that’s why you need to trust and listen to others, as it’s not usually possible for them to see this themselves. That this guy has just blown OP off should stick up a big red flag. This won’t get better, and even has the possibility to get worse, and he still won’t listen to concerns and act on them if the current reaction is anything to go by.

When I ask about restaurants etc he says they go through an industrial super hot washer so he can just about manage that

And that is hilarious. When I was a teenager I worked as a waitress. The cook used to use either his thumb or the dish towel, used for numerous things, to ‘clean’ the plate if gravy had dripped in wrong spot or some meat juice where it shouldn’t be etc. He also used to put his thumb in mouth and bite thumbnail when thinking. Restaurant patrons never knew. Everyone lived.

Im not saying that though.

Are you planning to never live together, or to do so when you no longer have kids at home?

He has all my sympathy, and I think a few posters on this thread don't quite understand rigid thinking or OCD and the illogical nature of it.

That said, I am worried that this isn't a deal breaker for you.

This is not your problem to fix

If he accepts your take on this and asks for help, and it's a big if, OCD can be a recurrent lifelong struggle even with medication. Due to the nature of OCD, it can be hard to identify and admit when things aren't going well and you need more help.

Ultimately control is at the route of OCD, because control gives you a sense of security, and when others tell you things are getting out of control, it just ramps up and up and up.

I'm sure you think that he is still worthy of being loved and he is, but you will be setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. This will be your life.

He isn't ready to be in a relationship until he can admit this is a problem to himself and for him and him only to take proactive steps to resolving this, because if you try and do it for him, he will feel more out of control and it won't help.

If you stay in this relationship then you're facilitating him not reaching that point where he is in a place to get help for himself.

It sounds like OCD, and it isn’t something you can help with. He has to admit it is a problem and seek hell, a lot of it is therapy and will only work if he wants to change.
I have a family member with contamination OCD. They believe they are allergic to other people. They won’t seek help and make it everyone else’s problem. It is maddening and I have had to distance myself from it.

What actually matters here is that this particular man is a selfish dick (often goes along with mental illness of this severity, which is understandable to an extent but still doesn't excuse it IMO) and you may have reached your limit. Straw and camel comes to mind. I mean honestly, if your little family unit already has loads of quirks and things to navigate between yourselves I'm surprised you've been willing to indulge him so much for so long. That's a lot of energy spent on someone who's not willing to see the difficulties he creates and how you and your children might be impacted by them.

Bin him, he's not worth you constantly stressing yourself out over him.

It's not impacting on my life don't be silly it's a glass. The only person making an issue about it is you

Absolutely get rid. If he can’t see it’s something that does impact him, all hope is lost. Of course it impacts on others as well, if he can’t see that then ???

I once knew someone who couldn't eat from things a child had used.. why i don't know, it just gave them the ick 🤣 maybe that?

To be fair I have ocd too so can understand to some extent, even though it's annoying. I feel like my ocd doesn't affect people around me though.. he must be hard to deal with.

Brilliant!..This made me lol @3luckystars I’m getting Roy cropper vibes with the bag.

I’m surprised he doesn’t have a back up glass, to be honest.

DH is verging on gross with his disregard for such things, at least within the family. The things he does care about though- many back ups. Boxed shoes, pants, socks, trousers ready for when the current set falls apart. Extra jars of peanut butter in case the current one runs out. Enough cheese to host a cheese and wine, in case the cheddar becomes scarce…

Not sure why everyone is struggling to understand - phobias ARE NOT rational.

Im scared of flying, but driving EVEN THOUGH statistically it is safer.

Someone saying well you'll go in the car just fine even though that's more dangerous does not stop me having a phobia of flying.

Pointing out that this man is fine to have sex is not the gotcha moment you think it is.

he needs to do something about this himself before he gets worse

This guy is clearly autistic. Whether or not he wants to address that is up to him, but if he won't acknowledge it at all, that would be an issue for me being in a relationship.

Sorry OP, based on your last update that would be the decision made for me (although you’re a better woman than me for making it through five years). Good luck with your decision.

He isn’t refusing because your DC have used them. He’s refusing because anyone has used them.

A few bad experiences and I could end up like this. I wash up when I arrive at DM’s because her sight isn’t great so her washing up is abysmal.

Do you have a dishwasher? I might be uncomfortable if not.