To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

Well he has a choice, he uses the one you say is his or he brings another one

But he would have been kicked into touch years ago, doesn’t like to share! Horrible man child

It's not the condition that makes him a dick. He can't help having OCD.

He's a dick because he refuses to see that he has a problem and more importantly that his problem impacts on other people.

I think we will wait until the kids have moved out. At the moment he accepts that My house has My rules and they are different to his house.

Are you sure it's a good idea for him to move in at all? What do you think it will be like when he starts living in what will be His House AND Your House? His Rules AND Your Rules? How is that going to work? He doesn't sound capable of much adaptation or compromise.

At the moment he has a retreat, his own house where things are exactly the way he likes them, where he makes the rules and he is in control. Where he can recover from the demands of Your House. Without that retreat he might not be very nice to live with. His rigidities are likely to increase and overwhelm you.

And I don't even think a diagnosis would help. Not unless it is also accompanied by a realisation that his rigid behaviour affects other people's lives and that how he affects other people's lives is important too.That realisation needs to come before the diagnosis. And that he has some ability to adapt to his rules to your needs. A diagnosis might just confirm that he doesn't.

You are a complete saint for putting up with 5% of this. I just couldn’t even do it for a day

Following this thread with interest. My 15 year old son has severe OCD and only gets Sertraline for it. It helped when he was 9 but now it really doesn't. It's always about contamination and like your DP OP he can eat out at restaurants, school etc but will ask if everything I put infront of him at home is clean, if I have washed my hands etc atleast twice. If I open the door to his bedroom he will ask stridently if my hands are clean. It's exhausting for everyone but he doesn't do it on purpose and it makes him suffer as well. Noone has been able to help him because he refuses to talk to anyone (psychiatrist, psychologist etc). He's also on the autism spectrum. His problem is anxiety- the OCD is people trying to find ways to control their anxiety. There is no logic to it. When he's 17 he will qualify for a treatment. It's got something to do with electric shocks if I remember it rightly. Whatever can help him..

You are not going to understand, are you. You either accept it and do what has to be done by replacing it, or don't accept it and enter conflict or spend ages trying to work it out. It probably depends on generally what you feel about the relationship.

It also isn’t an excuse. It’s a possible explanation.

People have personalities that are distinct from their health conditions. You can have OCD and also be a dick. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

It's not a choice to have it. It's a choice not to pursue treatment. And then to enter into a relationship with a condition you are not attempting to treat and which you must know would make other people's lives unpleasant.

Of course, it's OP's decisions to continue the relationship. Plenty wouldn't.

I am a bit shocked at everyone saying leave him and calling him a dick. OCD isn’t a choice

Correct. But acknowledging it, and the impact it has all round, and being receptive to getting help for it is a choice.

I am a bit shocked at everyone saying leave him and calling him a dick. OCD isn’t a choice

OP, you and others on this thread could easily spend the rest of your lives trying to diagnose him. It won't make any difference if he won't engage with the reality of the issue, let alone any kind of treatment.

An inability to see things from other people’s perspectives is a part of some people’s autism.

He won’t change, so if you, quite understandably, don’t like this, then leave.

That is rather odd. Did he used to be in the military, prison, or go to boarding school? I'm just thinking of situations where you'd get used to having your own stuff.

Has he got any other quirks?

Sorry, this is what I was responding to.

Yes, it does sounds like OCD. It's seemingly arbitrary rule applied rigidly with an impact on mood when the rule "goes wrong". How does he behave if he doesn't get his hours in?
Is it a shrug and oh well or do you feel the impact of a bad mood?

Sorry OP but it is specifically your cleanliness he has an issue with. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't think my home was clean enough for them. He isn't going to change, only you know if you can live with it, I couldn't.

FFS…….he uses restaurant crockery and cutlery with no issue so there’s no difference in using yours without having his own ‘special knife, fork, and spoon and glass’ ! How old is he? Sounds like a 2year old with special cutlery kept at his nanas house because the big people’s knives and forks are too big for his lickle handies!!!!

Asperges. A very wide spectrum and he's on it. Most are to a degree but yours a bit more

I can almost guarantee that deep down he wishes he could be normal. I have OCD type behaviours too. It's so limiting

I do a lot of these things; I have emetophobia so am super paranoid about germs. I have a lot of OCD-type behavoiurs around cleanliness and comtamination.
I am aware that it's a 'me' problem though, and I'm having therapy.

I was thinking this. I've worked in hospitality and had to put the glasses through the dishwasher multiple times because they don't always come out clean enough. They're really heavily used.