To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

If he's autistic though he my not be able to appreciate the impact it has on you because he can't put himself in your shoes. He's right in a lot of ways because he is happy to provide a new glass that is 'clean', he provides his cutlery, he provides his toothpaste - so in his 'potentially autistic' eyes, the only person really affected is him. People with ASD are more likely to suffer from OCD than the average person incidentally.

If you're going to try to live with this though then you're going to have to stop being offended by behaviour he can't help. I don't know if I could live with it because i would just find the irrationality of it way too frustrating. But if you allow it to upset or offend you then you're always likely to be unhappy.

OCD used to be considered an anxiety disorder and there tends to be a high level of anxiety with it. If he can reduce his anxiety then the OCD may lessen. Bear in mind though that it's probably not going to go away or even improve significantly without professional treatment.

Personally I couldn't go on like this, not knowing what direction it's going to take next and I wouldn't want it impacting the kids. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to though. so you might not be left with much option at some point in the future but to call it a day.

I had an ex colleague with similar traits. She was lovely, funny, and otherwise confident and cool to be around. But we all knew and accommodated her mug/touching/various other quirks.

In some ways you're being irrational too though, @KaitlynnFairchild . You say that you understand the issues because of the neuro diversity in your family, but you say you're offended by the glass thing. You accept all the other quirks, but in the same way that he can't see reason, you seem to be taking this one thing incredibly personally for some irrational reason.

I couldn't live with his all-encompassing quirks (that definitely DO affect everyone around him) but I just find it odd that you've chosen this one thing to be offended by, when you know that he doesn't mean it personally.

It may not be a saviour complex but I think it’s relevant that you have ND children whose needs you have accommodated because this is your norm. Parenting ND children is hard (and I speak from personal experience). I don’t want to project onto you but I wonder if you’ve forgotten what life is like and who you are when you don’t have to be the person who flexes and accommodates constantly for someone else.

He was right that you made a bigger deal about the glass than he did. He went "I can't use that, I'll bring another" and you went "so you think I'm unclean? I'm offended!"

But did you try saying to him that it's not just about the glass and that it's affecting you life now and if he considers himself to be an important part of that then he needs to get help because it is also affecting his life by pushing his partner away

Don’t let him know that sometimes it’s a person washing up at a sink. I washed dishes for a year at a restaurant.

You need a come to Jesus chat.

DP, you seem to think your quirks aren’t affecting anyone else.
You are mistaken. People around you who love you are being very supportive and enabling you to live normally.
You need to address this even though you think it is ok.

It is impacting your relationships- and will impact whether you can sustain one. It is impacting your work. It is impacting your mental health and stress levels.

I don’t think there is an easy answer, but ignoring it isn’t making it better.

It's not impacting on my life don't be silly it's a glass. The only person making an issue about it is you

Selfish fucker. Good luck with what you decide.

I think the guy is weird. Do you really need someone like him?

As somebody who worked in hospitality….he is backwards if he thinks cutlery and crockery in restaurants and hotels is massively cleaner than that in people’s houses!

You sound lovely, OP!

Like you, I'd suspect some ND condition (OCD or ASD based on the anxiety comments and the meal scheduling), but, as you probably know, he would need to want to be assessed properly to find out. There are treatments available for OCD on the NHS and there are also some services for adults with ASD.

I have ASD affected adult children and would love for them to meet partners who are as empathetic as you sound.

It's not a deal breaker for me, but I will need him to be willing to address it.

And if he isn't? You can't force him to address it.

life is about finding people whose quirks are compatible with your own.

It's also about recognising when you're hitting more quirks that aren't compatible with your own.

I do worry for the future and living together at some point but it's not a rush, my kids won't be moving out permanently any time soon.

But in the meantime he is likely to get more rigid, not less.

I'm not judging him as a good or bad person,it doesn't have to be his fault. I'm more concerned that you are starting to treat him as a fixer-upper. Someone who you want to change so that you can continue to have a comfortable relationship, but who is actually changing in the opposite direction. And may not be willing or able to make the changes you need.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

Ok this bit is beyond weird and I have changed my mind.
That he is fine with using hotel cutlery but not yours is weird.

@arcticpandas My 15 year old son has severe OCD and only gets Sertraline for it. It helped when he was 9 but now it really doesn't

It’s not a case of only sertraline or ECT. There are others, a whole range of SSRI’s, non-selective’s, tricyclics and then there’s off label where some people have had great success with antipsychotics, whereas others have not. It’s all individual, but worth giving it all a whirl if needed.

At 15yo and younger you held/hold the cards though with your child refusing the engage with psychiatrists/psychologists. To be frank you are likely getting your the point if too late at this point. We always presented this as non optional. The reality was, to have one child impact all the others, was subjecting the others to an abusive environment. So, it’s a case of, in order to live here, you need to engage. If you don’t, that’s fine but you can’t live here with your siblings, as we need to look after them too. So, your choice. They chose to engage and subsequently, when it’s flagged to them things are slipping, it’s now just routine they re-engage, as it’s their ‘normal’ to do so.

It is weird but some people have weird foibles.
I guess you accept it or you don’t.

I had ex who found it baffling that I could kiss him
but would not drink from a bottle he had drank for or share a toothbrush (I think the latter is fair).

His seems extreme but it’s not personal so try not to take it that way.

"...not the first person to lick that!"

Have you explained to him that you have not 'put it through an industrial super hot washer' yet?

(Maybe best not to tell him.)

I understand why it's not a deal-breaker. If he's a lovely man in many ways then it doesn't need to be, if you're generally happy.

But...I think what you will need to do is be clear and honest with him that actually it does impact him, whether he wants to admit that or not. And it certainly impacts you and it does stress you out. That it's actually not fair for him to be difficult and then not accept that he's being difficult.

OCD tends to get worse and worse the longer one suffers with it, and the more other people reinforce the individual's compulsions by working around them too much.

I would be very, very careful about ever setting up home with him unless he's able to accept it as an issue and work on finding some help because as a poster has already said, if you think he's bad now it will likely become 1000 times worse as it progresses and when he no longer has his own safe space. Without help his rules will likely become more and more rigid and he will likely demand more and more assurance and simply won't want to or be able to compromise if you're sharing a space all the time.

How does he cope with sex?

Life is too short for this s*!

Agreed - I have an adult daughter with OCD. It's not just the external symptoms that you see, there are many internal symptoms that they are likely to be struggling with. In her words, it wasn't until she was diagnosed and treated that she realised how exhausting it was for her brain. Therapy, CBT and medications are all options.

But the person does need to accept that they have a problem, and that diagnosis and treatment would be useful.

Actually that's an interesting point above - he can both have mental health challenges AND be obnoxious about it.

My daughter is very aware that there are times her brain is responding differently and actually spends a lot of her life feeling guilty about it. So she masks hard and then falls apart. Not sure how this will present as an adult but she already acknowledges that she knows her reactions can be difficult for other people. So I think asking him to talk about the impact of all this 'on you' is totally fair. You are clearly very up for working with him and finding guilt-free solutions (or supporting him to access additional support), but it's worth reminding him that you count too.

Have a look at OCD-UK. SSRIs can help some people as can specific therapy (not just counselling). The trouble with untreated OCD is it sometimes just carries on growing into new areas (like the overtime). Disgust and repressed rage and lots of anxiety often sitting underneath it.

It is definitely some sort of neurodiversity. I have family members who have similar and inconsistent 'hang ups' about hygiene. Don't try to understand it logically.

It would be helpful if he understood that is was a quirk of his and either sought help for it or invested in several glasses he could bring to your house (and wash up). Try not to be offended - it's not personal. That said, if it's too much to live with, you don't have to.

YANBU I know someone like this. Can't possibly use anyone else's mug or cup even a brand new one even though they could wash it up themselves to their own standards....but can and does regularly eat in bars/restaurants/hotels etc

Well he's obviously in severe need of therapy, I certainly could not date someone in that state. Goes without saying that his preferences are also completely irrational - as anyone who's ever worked in a commercial kitchen will tell you. I'll leave it at that in case he sees the thread!