To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

I’m a bit like that because in restaurants cutlery is usually washed in a dishwasher.

So do you inspect the kitchens to make sure ? What would you do if there isn't a dishwasher, or it's broken ?

I used to work as a glass collector in a pub and be thr one to use the glass machine. It was totally gross. Glasses at home would be very much cleaner.
Anyway, this is obviously some sort of OCD. My DH is obsessed eith not having gaps in the curtains when theynare shut. It drives me mad but I put up with it. Theres nothing you can do to change him now.

Given your latest update, there is NO WAY I would ever move in with this man.

Absolutely no way…

I kind of get this. I have my own mugs and plate and certain knives and forks that I like to use, so does my husband. I don't mind using other people's crockery at their house and I'm fine with restaurants, but if we go on holiday to a self catering cottage I have to take my own crockery with me, and saucepans.

What @99bottlesofkombucha said.

There is a very real risk that trying to accommodate his ‘quirks’ could in time turn into walking on eggshells. You know what happened to the boiling frog, @KaitlynnFairchild …

I’d assess carefully how often you adjust for him, and adjust less, although it’s hard to think of specific examples. Where you go to dinner if that’s one- you: I want to eat there’s him: no it’s dirty. You: it’s not, you need to talk to someone about that. I want to eat there’s. Him: I do not need to talk to anyone, it doesn’t affect my life. You: yes it does, it affects my life. I would always go along with what you want but you are throwing this it doesn’t affect my life argument like you don’t notice how much I have to adapt to keep you happy. I’m going to go and eat at the restaurant I want to, and since it doesn’t affect your life you’re welcome to join me.

I’d pull him up on it much much more often. You say you are used to parenting nd kids- this is the wrong attitude, he is not an nd kid you have to parent. He’s an adult who should be your partner. And you need to make progress here in getting him to accept it, because you do not want to move in with him and find your adult kids feel unwelcome and he won’t tolerate your grandchildren visiting. It would all end then anyway with the added complication of finding somewhere to live, so worth putting some effort into it now

There’s no way I could have a partner like this, no way at all… whatever his other qualities.

I'm autistic. I also have OCD. What you're describing sounds very familiar to me.

Is he happy to kiss you, OP? If so, point out to him that there is a lot more germ sharing in a kiss than in using a glass that has been washed. If he can't come around to the logic if it, you're dealing with OCD which is irrational in nature and not something to be offended by.

He’s a nut case

I wouldn't worry so much about spiralling because that will be obvious. Instead watch out for "boiled frog". That his obsessions and compulsions and anxieties and rigidities very gradually expand and slowly bend your own life further and further out of shape until there are endless things that you can't do and endless things that you have to remember to do his way not your own

With these anxiety-related conditions, the more you do, the more he will need you to do. One way to test this: over these five years, have any of these rigidities ever decreased or gone away? Or do you just see him getting more of them, or more strongly?

Hi op I feel for him and for you.
I agree with the others who have said contamination OCD my 9 year old has it.
it sounds pretty mild or like he is able to worth through his other worry’s but it sounds like my daughter.
he has his safe foods and his safe ways to eat and drink so that he doesn’t feel like he is contaminating himself.
Its hard I know, you sound like an amazing parter to be able to empathise with this and realise it is out of his control.
my daughter was diagnosed just before Xmas when she started not being able to eat, drink or even swallow her own saliva. She couldn’t wear clothes as they were contaminated though a dirty washing machine or being hung up to dry in the dirty air. We couldn’t buy new clothes because people had touched them.
the list goes on. Meds helped her allot, she still has her moments but today her sister has come down with a cold and she sat next to her for dinner although had to eat with her back turned to her it’s a massive step. Generally she would run screaming as soon as she realised her sister was sick and we would have to take great measures of cleaning everything and keeping them apart.

how is he with sick people ?

He needs therapy and you might want a dishwasher…

I think it’s fine to accept his separate glass, plate, cutlery etc as it sounds you are aware this is most likely OCD or ASD but until he recognises this and is prepared to acknowledge it and have treatment I would be surprised if you can ever live together. He has so many rules that are fine for him, in his own house and visiting others/work if that’s what ‘helps’ his anxiety but I don’t know that he would cope with sharing everything everyday!

OP I really couldn’t deal with this, it’s too hard. If you have a dishwasher, or even washing your dishes in hot soapy water and rinsing off, they’re clean. An industrial strength dishwasher (whatever figment of his imagination that is) isn’t going to make any difference. I doubt I could cope with having a relationship with someone who was effectively telling me he didn’t trust my hygiene standards.

I don't want to worry you, OP, but I know someone with OCD and it has worsened considerably with age. At first it was fairly mild and just one of those 'quirky' things, but as he's aged it has become more and more a form of rigid control, and controlling of other people. He lives at home with his mum and she's not 'allowed', for example, to go back upstairs once she's come down. Or put certain things in certain bags.

I have enormous sympathy because he clearly can't help it, but I'd have more sympathy if it was only his own behaviour that was affected. When it affects others, and there are things they 'have' to do because otherwise he feels uncomfortable, then that's where it starts to cross the line for me.

My eldest does not share food. He wouldn't drink from a glass if you had taken a sip - even if it was from the other side. He always checks that a bottle or glass is his, even if it's only just been poured, or it's been in front of him all the time.

A special glass just for him, I wouldn't support (just like I didn't entertain 'but I only eat off the red plate' when they were toddlers), but this foible level of not wanting to share germs I have no issue with.

Your DP is taking this a step further than I think is really reasonable. Although if a friend wanted a special glass and cared to bring one, then I would indulge it (whilst hoping my eldest didn't pick up on the idea), but I don't think I could be a partner with someone who acted that way - not least because it's illogical if you're going to have a kiss goodnight later.

@HoppingPavlova I haven't been sitting with my arms crossed watching my son suffer. He has tried Venlafaxine, a mood stabiliser and 3 different antipsychotics to no avail- made things worse. Him not engaging led for me to actually get a place for him at a treatment center after he had been hospitalized. Very bad experience. They were supposed to treat psychological problems but since he was autistic they said they couldn't help him after 3 weeks. He is very immature, hadn't engaged with anyone except joking around with other children. I have taken him to all child psychiatrists in the region in hope of finding someone he can connect with. It's not happening- he's just zooming out and might start talking about something not related. His disability is definitely making it hard to treat him but it's not fault of trying. Camhs even said that it doesn't make sense bringing him in because they have tried their best to connect with him to no avail. So our last hope is ECT.

no couldnt be doing that and why have you spent money to accomodate this-not all restrants pub have industrial washers

I couldn't be with a man like this sorry @KaitlynnFairchild And 5 years together and still not living together? Don't blame you. He sounds annoying and irksome. I would be re-evaluating this relationship sorry... He won't get any better and your life will be a bit grim with him long term... What is a bit annoying and weird now, will literally start to boil your blood, and make you feel depressed. He will really get you down.

.

His ‘quirks’ are one thing, but his dismissive attitude when you raise it is a big red flag. Is he not able to recognise the impact of this on you, how it can make you feel (not ‘clean’ enough for his standards) and the lengths you go to to ensure his comfort?

It's also possible that he's not got OCD and these rules are quirks of ND/autism in which case maybe this is as rigid as he's ever going to get. That would likely make it easier to keep the relationship positive over the much longer term, since you've rubbed along quite well up to now.

I guess you'll have to see how it pans out over the years!

I'm not that bad but I have this too an extent. I don't have OCD or Autism etc...

I DO have allergies that are set of by cross contamination and also a really week immune system (so I get food poisoning or allergic reactions much more than the average person). People who are healthy and haven't gone through that don't get what its like.

I'm literally recovering right now from yet another bout of gastro distress from eating out yesterday. My husband find my obsession with checking forks, plates and glasses are clean and rewashing everything 'over the top' but he also cannot deny how often I get sick from exposure to things that didn't effect him.

Yes you cannot see bacteria/contamination (hence why I still get ill sometimes) but something looks visibly clean is a good start point and when at home I boil cutlery etc... too. It hurts no one really to do what I feel makes me safer, its me that ends up sick (and I'm not going to take a higher risk of being sick from eating of say a plate that clearly wasn't cleaned well and maybe cross contaminated just to be 'polite').