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Original poster

I can’t believe they done this

169 replies

schoolie258 · 11/08/2025 09:13

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 12/08/2025 10:25

Annony331 · 11/08/2025 14:09

Has there been any issues with the child visiting the grandparents in the last 10 months?

Do you mean any issues apart from them lying and coaching OP's child to lie to her?

I think those are pretty serious issues.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/08/2025 08:23

Anonymousforthisone2025 · 11/08/2025 18:41

Except the person quoted the bit about him being a narcissist NOT a dealer, and besides the 9 months sentence suggests OP is lying about the dealing anyway

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It wasn’t a 9 month sentence it was 2 years with 9m in prison, it’s very rare that the whole sentence is served in prison.

Also the sentencing guidelines for things like possession with intent to supply start from higher level community service even for class A if the role is minor. It’s entirely possible that he was charged on a lower but easier to prove offence.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 11/08/2025 20:25

Anonymousforthisone2025 · 11/08/2025 18:41

Except the person quoted the bit about him being a narcissist NOT a dealer, and besides the 9 months sentence suggests OP is lying about the dealing anyway

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I mean , it’s right in the OP that he went to jail. He was never going to be an upstanding member of the community?

As to his sentencing, depending on the quantity, his role, any extenuating factors (probably using his kid to get leniency) and so on , it’s not that wild to see a sentence of 2 years, out in 9 months. Some you can even get a community order.

Anonymousforthisone2025 · 11/08/2025 18:41

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/08/2025 11:58

Maybe because unless he's a terrible father, then you have no rights to keep your kids away from their Dad. Stip using your kids to punish the men YOU CHOSE to be fathers to your kids

Sorry, he's a heroin dealer. It's hard to think of a more textbook example of a terrible father. It's batshit to think the OP needs to facilitate contact with someone who makes a living selling probably the most dangerous drug there is.

I'm usually a strong advocate for people trying to maintain contact with both parents but someone who makes money selling heroin just isn't capable of being a responsible parent. You would be crazy to allow her to maintain contact with this man.

Except the person quoted the bit about him being a narcissist NOT a dealer, and besides the 9 months sentence suggests OP is lying about the dealing anyway

grumpygrape · 11/08/2025 17:57

schoolie258 · 11/08/2025 17:53

He got 2 years but only had to do 9 months and he’ll be on a tag for however long when he’s home. I have no idea how it all works and I’m not even 100% on all the details. I only know some of what they’ve chosen to tell me

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Please OP, get legal advice and go to Children's Services.

You shouldn't try and do this on your own

Original poster
schoolie258 · 11/08/2025 17:57

Handrearedmagpie · 11/08/2025 12:27

I wouldn't be allowing contact, he's not a positive influence in her life and by lying to you, the grandparents denied you the opportunity to support your daughter through her emotions were she to gave inadvertently found out her dad is in jail.
I would be putting a safety plan in place - contact school to make sure he/grandparents can't collect her, no contact at grandparents house incase it is targeted by his associates/she has access to drugs in the house.
Did you not notice he had t paid for her in 9 months or does he not financially support her either?

He doesn’t support her at all. If his parents weren’t around I doubt he’d bother with my daughter.

I did ask afew times if he was around but the answer was always vague enough that I didn’t really overthink it and figured if it was something serious they’d speak to me about it

OP posts:
Original poster
schoolie258 · 11/08/2025 17:53

comeandhaveteawithme · 11/08/2025 11:37

Sorry - did someone say he gets home today?

He got just 9 months for selling heroin?

That can't be possible

He got 2 years but only had to do 9 months and he’ll be on a tag for however long when he’s home. I have no idea how it all works and I’m not even 100% on all the details. I only know some of what they’ve chosen to tell me

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 11/08/2025 15:15

chowmeinz · 11/08/2025 09:44

She obviously hasn’t seen them on the past 9 months anyway, or did she not see her dad and her grandparents told her to lie that she had?

Yes, it’s in the post above yours.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/08/2025 15:15

You had me at
"he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)"

Add in his previous Heroin dealing
and his parent's lies and influencing your DD to lie.

I'd say you were protecting your DD by keeping them away from her by court order.
Your DD could maybe see her GP in supervised visits and should NEVER be in a house where "dangerous people" might turn up looking for money!

Sometimes you have to be the Bad Guy OP, to be the good guy for your DD. You sound like the only parent who wants to protect her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2025 14:58

I think you need to speak to social services. If he was in prison for 9 months then it is likely his sentence was longer so he may have probation requirements.

It may be that supervised contact is recommended, to protect your DD and you so get social services to risk assess.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 11/08/2025 14:46

Swimswans · 11/08/2025 10:18

The Only exception is serious abuse, so a little abuse is always better than nothing....
Please check yourself.

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So there are only two categories of parental behaviour, abusive and non-abusive? Meanwhile in the real world most parents do something that hurts their child at some point and most of us have experienced some minor harm from our parents. Of course this situation sounds like much more than minor harm, but you seem to be viewing the world in a way that is glossing over the complexity @RimTimTagiDim is trying to point out. All the OP can do is weigh up likely risks and benefits and some supervised contact might be one of the options to consider. Thinking about safeguarding as if there are simple rules is unhelpful.

Anyahyacinth · 11/08/2025 14:44

I think all the evidence is that contact is in the best interest of a child (except in situations of violence). There have been lies and that's appalling, you deserve huge apologies, but I think there is psychological damage from no contact too.

JLou08 · 11/08/2025 14:32

I think him being a heroin dealer and being involved with dangerous people who know where he has contact with your DD is enough justification to stop contact there. Tell him to arrange a professional contact centre if he wants to see her.

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2025 14:29

RimTimTagiDim · 11/08/2025 09:49

The evidence shows that it's nearly always better for children to have contact with both parents, even when one is a pretty shit parent/person. The only exception is serious abuse. It's very likely in your daughter's best interests to continue seeing her father and grandparents, despite their lies and his very bad choices.

So it's a good thing to have contact with a lying heroin dealer?

Really?

beAsensible1 · 11/08/2025 14:13

Well I can understand them not telling her he’s gone to jail. Most people wouldn’t she’d only have been 9/10 they probably should’ve told you though and asking her to lie to you is not on.

Tedsnan1 · 11/08/2025 14:12

housethatbuiltme · 11/08/2025 12:17

You cant blame the grandparents for protecting your daughter surely?

So they have stepped up and kept contact and kept her away and unaware of the dark things their DS has done and you want to punish them?

My mam and her ex-MIL didn't get along, I understand bits of why my mam didn't like her (mam was very anti smoking and grandma smoked like a chimney in the house etc...) and they where both very proud stubborn women but both where always good to me. When I was old enough I sought out a relationship with my grandma who always had her door open for me. She use to show up to visits when my father never bothered.

My father on the other hand (who disappeared for long period, went to jail, moved without telling the courts, never showed up for visits etc...) I have no urge to have him in my life. I grew up to see him for exactly what he was (even though rightly all the adults tried to protect me from it, they didn't ever bad mouth him).

You cannot blame the grandparent who are in your child's life and have a relationship with her and stepped up for things your ex did... they are his parents but hes an adult they have no more control over his drug addiction than you do.

Also its a far bigger red flag that your argument is 'if you knew' you would have taken a child to a prison to see a heroin addict... what are you thinking?

Edited

Coaching a 10 year old to lie to her mother is not protection.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2025 14:10

@LBFseBrom I think by “them” she means the child’s dad and her grandparents. It doesn’t seem complex to me…

Annony331 · 11/08/2025 14:09

Has there been any issues with the child visiting the grandparents in the last 10 months?

Peachee · 11/08/2025 14:05

Hardtothink · 11/08/2025 09:55

That they have taught your daughter it's ok to lie is extremely serious.
You really need to have serious conversations with her about secrets and lies.
Personally I would be stopping contact with him.and his family and put the onus on them to take the matter of access to court.

This!

LBFseBrom · 11/08/2025 14:02

Is there more than one sperm donor/potential father in the picture? I thought it was only one and am now confused by the above, "...still have to let them see her ...".

Honestly, it is all too complicated for words, poor kid.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2025 14:02

AuntyDepressant · 11/08/2025 13:54

So what happens if they do go to court and he gets access? Will it really have been worth all the stress and aggro just to still have to let them see her anyway?

I’d take the chance I might win. I’d also take the delay in having to let her go if I lost. So yes, it would be worth all the stress and aggro for me.

MotherJessAndKittens · 11/08/2025 14:01

At the very least you should try and get a free appointment with a family court lawyer to discuss court proceedings. It sounds like a very dodgy set up to allow a child into. Keep notes on everything - messages, emails etc in case you have to produce them and see if you can get legal aid. I wouldn't trust any of them and at 10, your DD will be working things out for herself soon so if she asks maybe prepare an answer in child friendly terms. Good luck!

AuntyDepressant · 11/08/2025 13:54

So what happens if they do go to court and he gets access? Will it really have been worth all the stress and aggro just to still have to let them see her anyway?

TitaniasAss · 11/08/2025 13:40

housethatbuiltme · 11/08/2025 13:10

Tell me you know absolutely nothing about the crime world without directly saying that lol.

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Most of us would like to keep it that way. Don't you?

ForeverPombear · 11/08/2025 13:27

housethatbuiltme · 11/08/2025 13:10

Tell me you know absolutely nothing about the crime world without directly saying that lol.

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Knowing about the crime world isn't a flex.