I can’t believe they done this

I'd prefer to see indirect contact - cards and letters until father has shown commitment and is drug free.

I agree. A contact centre is definitely the way forward if the child still wants to see her dad. That way her needs/wants are being met.

I’m normally all for a child having contact with both parents but there are exceptions and I think this is one. It’s not just the drugs and prison, it’s the lying and manipulation. The grandparents asking your DD to lie to you is probably the most concerning thing. They are messing with her head and that kind of psychological damage at a young age can have a lasting effect. I don’t think anybody could blame you for cutting contact in order to protect your daughter from psychological and emotional trauma, and that’s before you even get into the physical safe-guarding issues what with her dad’s dodgy contacts. Good luck OP.

Keep her away from him if he's a heroin user. Never mind the risks of negligence, there's plenty of cases of kids getting poisoned off their parents drugs. You don't need to feel guilty about doing what is right for your child.

Not always. Courts can order unsupervised time, supervised time or indirect contact.

Indirect contact means cards and letters and is very useful to gauge the non-resident parent's commitment to becoming clean from drugs and to the child.

I would love to see that evidence. If it exists indeed it is probably flawed and bad just like many others across healthcare etc. Family courts can make bad decisions, and judges can be very wrong. I have seen concrete evidence of that. It is trully unbelievable just how inadequately children are protected and how ignorant courts are when it comes to the long term harm caused by irresponsible parents. If a parent is bad, abusive, narcissistic , and the list can go on, the child is much better off not having contact. When older they can comprehend but when young it traumatizes them for life. I cannot even imagine what it must be like for a caring, loving parent to have to share their child with a dangerous asshole. I feel for you OP and I wish you strength and determination to protect your daughter and keep her away from these people who clearly are not capable to have decency and common sense.

Make better choices. I doubt this guy’s penchant for dealing heroin came out of the blue, I’ll bet there were signs he was a wrong un’ ?! I just can’t get my head round how shit a romantic option has to be to be a heroin dealer?! I hope your daughter’s ok, truly.

Don't!

Don't give them ideas. Tell they won't see her any more. If they wanna go to court let them think it up themselves

The obvious thing to do is break off all contact for the reasons you state. Not least, you cant have your daughter unsupervised in a drug den.

But, what you don't want to do is to turn it into a situation where you now lie to your daughter about the reasons for that. So, are you prepared to tell your daughter the truth about her father and grandparents?

It might be worth speaking to a child psychologist about the best way to communicate with her about it.

You think it’s in a child’s best interests to spend time with a heroin dealer? Seriously?

A nursery near my house faced an appalling incident - a bloke threatened a dad with a gun - while the dad was dropping his DC at nursery. I doubt very much whether that was due to a minor disagreement between neighbours.

DC should be kept safely away from drug dealers.

Hard no from me as well. No child of mine would be spending time with a drug dealer.

I'd be most concerned that those to whom her DF owes money could threatend to do something to the child in order to punish him or get their money.

Poor child, she deserves better protection from this criminal father. She can make her own mind up when she is an adult. Sad but safer.

OP may not have a choice, the courts inevitably rule for the parent to see the child

She might not get a choice I didn’t , the judge ruled that my ex saw the kids unsupervised even tho he was a dealer and user himself and had been to jail for it

Been in this exact situation about 18 years ago , my ex was in prison drugs related I found out through the grapevine but I was told by his mother he was working away 😂😂 and the kids were told the same thing . I stopped contact as this was the last straw he took me to court and the judge said I quote “a parent who is a drug addict and who sells drugs does not make a bad parent” he ruled my ex had contact twice a week not supervised btw . When my kids turned 13/14 they stopped contact themselves . The law stinks unfortunately

Don’t send her again.

It’s very concerning that they told her to lie to you. This just sets me off thinking what else could they do!?!?

Her dad is obviously not safe to be around.

I would tell him what you already mentioned, that if he wants visitation rights he had to go through the court.

It is the encouraging your daughter to deceive you that would cause me to reconsider contact. If you stop contact she won't stop loving him and will blame you as she builds up a false picture of him. My adopted daughter is looking over my shoulder as I write and her experience isn't 100 miles from this.

This.

Tell them to go to court OP

When you say he’s a narcissist what do you mean by that? Too many people have seen TikTok therapists talk about narcism, gaslighting, inner child etc etc without really understanding what these terms mean in that context.

it sounds to me like you don’t want your ex to see you daughter and you’re trying to build a case. Honestly, all the adults in this situation are failing your daughter and need to grow up and learn how to communicate properly. Your daughter isn’t a toy to keep away from people because you don’t like their choices and unless you can verify the threats they are meaningless right now. Only having contact with her dad in a contact centre will be far more damaging than going to her grans house where her ex con father lives.

Personally I think this is the worst bit. If they encouraged (or, more likely manipulated) her to lie about that then what else will they/he get her to lie about in the future?

You need to have a really serious conversation with your daughter about lying.
Firstly she must NEVER lie to you (you are the most important person in her life, she needs to be able to trust you and you need to be able to trust her). Get that message across really strongly (you'll need to repeat it many times).
And secondly, any adult that asks her to lie (or makes her think that she ought to lie) for them is doing something wrong.

I think if you can work out the details it's worth trying to talk to probation or whoever is managing the community bit of the sentence to tell them he has a daughter. If he's been lying to you then he may have been lying to others.

There are charities that support children who have parents in prison who may be helpful. May also be useful to tell her school in September.

Also worth attempting a Clare's law application to see if you get any info out of the police about what risk he poses.

It's probably worthwhile maintaining indirect (phone, letter) contact to avoid him being becoming the exciting forbidden fruit and thinking about how you might make supervised contact work - contact centres are usually short term things.

Looking at your answers to questions here, it's pretty obvious that the father's side of the family has a very unhealthy attitude when it comes to truth. Having your daughter around a drug dealer (even though he is her father) and the fact that he owes money to some dangerous individuals would make me question her safety. People in those sorts of circles have no scruples when it comes to getting back what they are owed, and do you really think that it's healthy for your daughter to see that as being a "normal" way of life? If I were in your position, I would be seeking legal advice and revoking any agreements made with the father and his parents.

There is a lot to unpack here. Clearly you don’t want your daughter anywhere near heroin. Grandparents should not be telling your daughter to lie & keep secrets from you. The only thing I will say in their defence is that it’s possible they were trying to protect their granddaughter from knowing that her father was in prison but they should have told you privately so you could decide what’s best for her to know in the circumstances. I am not sure that cutting all contact is the way to go if your daughter still wants to see them but I think I would be insisting on you being present/supervised visits & get some legal advice. She may only be 10 now but it won’t be long before she is a teenager & you will have less control over what she does. She may decide for herself at some point that she no longer wants to see him but it could cause problems between you if she thinks you stopped her from seeing her Dad & grandparents. Very Tricky. My sympathies.

My first instinct is that supervised access is the way to go. But you really need to get proper advice on this, and tread carefully. You will have to discuss with your dd, so get advice on that too.

A key issue here is that he owes money to bad people, and that puts your daughter at risk. That may help her understand why she can no longer visit him at home.

She is too old for you to just stop all contact and not tell her why, but please do get expert advice before you open the discussions.

Btw, my dd (15) has a birth father who has spent a lot of time behind bars for dealing and violent crimes. She veers between seeing him a lowlife and bigging him up to get more kudos with the bad kids. Your daughter is younger, but still be aware that she might not share your perspective on any of this.

I think it would be very reasonable to contact social services and say you don’t want your child to see their father unless it’s supervised contact and they make sure he is clean/sober before seeing your daughter and if he isn’t then the visit doesn’t happen it will ensure your child is never at risk from people who could cause her harm. If the grandparents want to see her then. That has to be supervised contact too. Until they can show you/them that they can be trusted not to be manipulative and will also prevent them taking your daughter to see her dad behind your back, whilst still allowing a relationship with her paternal side.