Suspected narcissist mother starting to scare me

Why are you in a hurry to get over it?

You're allowed emotions you know. Just because you weren't allowed to be angry at their treatment of you growing up, doesn't mean your anger isn't justified or that you're a bad person for feeling that way.

You get over it same way you get over other emotions - by feeling them, sitting with them, acknowledging them and working out where they came from and why. All of which your therapy will help with.

You had an entire childhood and adulthood of abuse, together with the bottled-up feelings surviving those relationships and in that environment necessitated. That's not something you get over in a week. Took me 15 years.

Though it would have been quicker had I gone NC as soon as I saw the toxicity for what it was, instead of thinking I just needed to get some boundaries (I did, as I had none at all, but with hindsight it obviously was never going to fix the issue of their behaviour). People who bring you up to have no boundaries and to tolerate abuse don't suddenly go oh ok then I'll behave when you start setting boundaries. They push back against them continuously, ramping up their abuse until one day you get sick of it enough and go NC as a last resort to save yourself and your remaining health/sanity.

I DGAF now, residual sadness for the parents I should have had is all that's left when I think about them, which is rarely. Minor annoyance felt when the manipulative games are attempted yet again. Which they do periodically, but only mildly, as they're aware I'm one new SIM card away from being entirely NC and that knowledge keeps them in check a bit. At this point contact is the exchange of banalities a few times a year by text.

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread? You can get long term support there too if you want. It's full of people with stories like yours.

I'm not sure what the right answer here is op, or if there even is one, but I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be extremely hurtful and retraumatising.

I don't think you'd be wrong to step away if it's becoming unbearable. Equally I don't think anyone can tell you it would be wrong to decide to stick with it until she passes. I think you need to listen to your own gut feeling on what you can handle and what you can't. I don't think you owe anyone but yourself anything at this point so I think you make the decision you feel you can live in the most peace with. That could be stepping away in part or completely and protecting your own wellbeing and your peace and by extension your family and dd. Or it could be continuing as you are and checking in with yourself now and again to see if it's still manageable.

I think it's great you've started counselling. I understand the pain of a dad not sticking up for you when they should and I think it's very difficult to process but also I wonder if your dad is a bit of a victim in this as well. I know my mum ground my dad down completely over the years and recognising that does help me to have more sympathy than anger towards him. But I do still feel very betrayed at times. I think it's very hard to heal from trauma when you're still living it op, so it's really up to you how long you feel prepared to sustain this all.

But I wonder if there are conversations you will be able to have with your dad in future to express how you feel things should have been? Maybe after she passes. Could you meet with him separately from her and offer support without directly having to deal with her?

Your dad has the option of standing up to his wife and being your champion or being his wife's enabler and throwing you to the wolves (her) because it's easier for him. If he misses you, he's brought that on himself. He could have and should have been someone you wanted to stay in touch with once you'd grown up. But he isn't and that's on him. You're not responsible for helping him either. He can learn to do his own online shopping etc.

You owe your abuser mother nothing. It matters not that she's dying. There's no need to sacrifice yourself and your daughter's wellbeing just so she can feel a tiny bit better about everything by abusing you with her dying breath.

Fuck the pair of them. Move onwards to happiness OP, without all this toxicity in your life.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My mum also has narcissistic tendencies and can be really unkind (she can also be lovely to be fair but it's all on her terms) - some of what you're saying sounds quite familiar.

I adored my dad so couldn't have stepped back while he was alive. As you know your mum is on borrowed time I'd recommend looking up FOG (Fear, Obligation, Gullt) and learning the Grey Rock method for her whilst maintaining the relationship with your dad.

Has it always been this way? Or is this a result of illness and deterioration of her mental state?
It would be ok to take a step back and not go so much. All you can decide is if you think you will regret it when she’s gone. How much longer has she got? Are we talking just grinning and bearing it for few weeks or are we talking months?