Suspected narcissist mother starting to scare me

Oh and @Ihaveonedaughter your user name really hit home.

The amount of times I have been told "well you only have one Mother" over the years.

Except she only had one child. Me. I was always expected to give her everything, while I only ever got the dregs of whatever mood she was in at one time.

@Ihaveonedaughter I hear you. Your posts could have been written by me even down to the comments from M on the blank birthday card, or belittling me to everyone in front of my face or behind my back, or around how much DH and I earn and on and on.

Well done you for staying in contact for so long. I went NC/VLC over a decade ago. And am now dealing with the fall out of what turns out to be a whole toxic family set up across M and her siblings (flying monkeys with narc traits too) as M reaches the end of her life. I am exhausted by the psychodrama of it all.

Sending good wishes and thoughts. Stepping away is all you can do at times. There will be no judgement from me.

Oh. I feel so sad for you reading your posts. It's heartbreaking isn't it. I won't bore you with the details of the recent relationship breakdown with my own Mum, 85, but please know that you aren't alone. And please please please buy, rent, borrow or steal (joking!) the book,
"Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lyndsey C Gibson.
I think, without exaggeration, it has changed my life.

This is completely fair op. I think one of the things that helped me in therapy was firstly as you've said getting to the point of recognising that it wasn't my fault and I deserved better than what I got and seperating my inner child from the abuse itself. But that's hard in its own way because then there's a blame to lay and its difficult when you can't easily hold anyone to account. Eventually I was able to work towards acceptance that this was the reality of my family dynamics and its up to me how much I engage with them. For the most part distance really helped with that but when you've a parent you're also providing any degree of care for that becomes very hard. Even with the distance I found certain things would make it harder again such as when I got married and when I had ds and I could see the difference in how my mum acted around those things compared to how my friends mum's acted and its impossible not to notice. But gradually I go back to acceptance again. It's a type of grief in a way because you don't have the family set up and support and emotional safety that you deserved, and grief comes in waves. Right now yours is maybe compounded by a different type of impending grief despite the relationship being so strained.

There's no one right way to think or feel and as another pp said, you don't need to hurry along your feelings - they're legitimate and the only way through them (unfortunately) is to sit with them and feel them. One thing is for sure though, you're an incredibly strong and resilient person to have made it this far along and to still be compassionate and empathetic.

I agree and I'm sorry you're going through this.

My "mother" was very similar to yours. She was never short of a nasty comment, an humiliating put down, she seemed to thrive on it. Whatever I did was never good enough. I tried hard to have some sort of semi-decent mother-daughter relationship but it never took off. She wasn't interested in me, the truth is she never had been. It's very difficult to sustain a relationship in those circumstances.
Her birthday cards to me were a joke. I lost count of how many didn't arrive, "lost in the post" was always her claim, though cards from others always arrived.
It would have been easier to deal with her behaviour had she treated my sibling and half-siblings the same way but each of us was assigned either a scapegoat or golden child role and she played one child off against the others on a regular basis. It was a highly toxic environment to grow up in.
I eventually - for the sake of my sanity - went NC. She spun the "uncaring daughter" line too: some believed it, others didn't. She spent the next 30 years badmouthing me to anyone who would listen!
She died last year. I felt sad for a short time, not at the loss of the person she was, but of the mother she could have been.

It's very difficult for people who have not experienced a mother like this to understand how they can be so nasty and unkind because it goes against everything a mother is supposed to represent.
My advice would be follow your gut and put yourself and your wellbeing first, something your mother has spectacularly failed to do. Mentally prepare yourself for the backlash. She may not verbally attack you directly but she may use gullible others to do so. Also, going NC completely changes the family dynamic and there will be some (in my experience) who, recognising there's now a vacancy in the scapegoat department will do everything in their power to make sure it's not them. If you find someone reaching out "to heal the rift" be wary.
It's a horrible situation you're in, OP. Wishing you all the best.

I wouldn't mind betting that the people with whom she'll discuss you being a bad and uncaring daughter, may well know exactly what she's like. But also, anyone who's quick to think badly of you should have no importance in your life. The friends and family who matter will know the truth, you'll know the truth. Worrying what others think is very closely related to feelings of guilt, and you have no reason to feel guilty at all.

Move forward into a happier, less stressful life for your sake and that of your loving family.

I haven’t read all replies so may already have been recommending but read:

You are not the problem … excellent podcast called insight also.

💐

i imagine that your father has been brain washed/ abused himself. To live with this nastiness and negativity in your ear everyday must have an effect on him. This does not make this ok that he hasn’t had your corner but gives a reason why.
You need to set boundaries for you and your child’s wellbeing. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and your daughter needs to grow up learning you don’t put up with this behaviour. You putting a boundary in teaches her to do the same in the future.
perhaps once your mum has died you can have the relationship you should have had with your dad.
It’s time to look after you. I hope therapy continues to help you.

This post is obviously from a place of kindness, but it's clear from the OP's posts that her "mother" (she doesn't deserve the title IMO), has always been vile to her daughter, with the collusion of her father.

The OP should do what is best for her after years of mental cruelty, she owes nothing to either parent. Potential dementia seems to be the go-to explanation for any malicious behaviour from an older person, but when they've been viciously unkind all their lives it's just all part of an existing pattern.

The much quoted and possibly overused phrase from an article by the very insightful Philippa Perry may apply here - "If you have a choice between guilt and resentment, choose guilt". Not that you have any reason to feel guilt in the first place.

What is this illness where you know she only has one or two years left to live?

My best friend's mother became really nasty in her final year. She had dementia with lewy bodies.

My step-mother's mum was the same, although her dementia was vascular. But she became irrational, accusatory and just unpleasant to be around.

I would advise against walking away now. You're nearly at the end. You could have an honest conversation with your Dad though.

If she really feels so badly and negatively about you, would it even bother her then if you stopped visiting? You don’t need this nasty negativity in your life.

My mum has been very much like this since bring told she may only have a few years to live, she has become very bitter and judgmental. Everything I tell her is now given a negative spin and she has said some awful things to me. I went nc on and off for a few months, we did not have Christmas together and although I sent flowers for her birthday they were also criticised as being thoughtless. She did eventually apologise and we now have a very surface relationship. It bought back all the years I strived to make her happy, be good etc and underlying it all it seems was her not really liking me. A light bulb went off when a very old friend said but she has always been like this and the weight eased. I think frailty, lots of meds has lowered her social filter and she just speaks without thought now. Mentally i have stepped aside from it, i do as much as I want to and dh has supported me totally. The guilt is huge but you cannot help someone who is being so selfish and difficult. Give yourself time and space and do not feel bad about how you feel.

I’d go one last time on my own and say goodbye for closure. Then walk away and don’t look back.

It's a common narc trait I think to be jealous of your success, rather than happy for you. This very damaging thing of putting your own dc down to boost your own sense of inadequacy is another one.

I agree that key to healing is to stop hoping for approval from her. Approve yourself. For me, I tell myself she was like this before I was born. You are a good person who wouldn't treat anybody like this. Set boundaries of what you will tolerate.

The lack of empathy is very hard to cope with. I would give her the same blank card back for her birthday. The hurt they cause is phenomenal.

Practise the grey rock suggested by a PP. Keep a slightly distant relationship- don’t give them information about your life.

I would avoid making a decision quickly at such a difficult time, while you are new to therapy.

Once you learn how to protect yourself a bit, you will find it easier to manage the situation and may be able to have a relationship with your dad that’s worth having.

You don’t have to- it’s just a matter of keeping options open.

Protecting yourself is about recognising she isn’t going to give you her approval, ever and- most importantly- realise you don’t need or want it.
She’s a nasty piece of work. Why does it matter what she thinks? Let that go.