Suspected narcissist mother starting to scare me

This resonates, how true. Because they're master manipulators and game players, they presume any act of kindness we do is for the same motivations. In their eyes, everyone is the same.

I used to get so puzzled, growing up, when my mother always interpreted any kindness, helpfulness and concern I showed towards other people (including her) as me being after something. She interpreted it as me being greedy, conniving and dishonest.

The scary thing (I found) with my evil mother was that she was looking for ways, and situations she could use, to weaponise against me. And my child, I finally saw, was a tool she was prepared to use for that purpose, whether it hurt the child or not. As long as she hit her target (me) the effect on the child was irrelevant.

The first time she mafeva weaponising remark to my daughter was the last time she saw her.

Gosh, so true. I've always been liked by the vast majority of people I've known and have always been the ' nice, helpful, empathetic ' one in the office. But to my narcissist mother and extended family, I'm loathed. I'll always be the difficult one, the crazy one, the either not enough or too much one. I have to for ever hold on to the thought that it's not reality, but it's so hard sometimes.

@TammyJones She was a bit taken aback, I think. She just muttered, 'well no - I don't suppose so' when asked if she had to do it every time.

She's been a bit better since because if she starts being critical I just get up and say, 'Right, I'm off home then - see you soon' and I leave. She is late 80s now. I'm aware she complains a lot about me, but I don't have to listen to it. It's taken me years to realise that it's not me - most people find me pleasant and easy going, but I'm never going to be anything other than criticsed by my DM (and the wider family). I am simply the family scapegoat and so I limit contact with them as much as possible.

I could but I try and do one visit as she old. Thats it. Then you get crap off people how badly elderly get treated. I dont even try explaining myself now. My sil said her husb mam is hard work too.

Yes perhaps she knows if she nasty then no visits. But that only works for a while as then she starts up she sees nobody. We encourage her to join groups but she not into it. 80s. Its hard work

I reduced my visits it worked well. Reading other replies it grinds you down. I feel she like a grenade Im waiting her next drama. Calm for now.

@hatty65
what did your dm say to that?

@Ihaveonedaughter I have a mother very like yours. I've started to respond with things like 'I know - you tell me every time I come round. Is it necessary to do that every time?' when she criticises me.

When she complains she doesn't see me very often I bluntly said, 'Because you are so critical of me that I go away feeling a bit shit about myself. It means I don't want to visit very often'.

It's quite difficult for her to retain the image of herself as wonderful when I keep being like this every time she is critical. I'm very well aware that she tells people that 'Hatty is difficult and always has been. She's very touchy'. Like you I was criticised for being miserable as a child - with absolutely no self awareness from Mother that perhaps she was the reason.

Much sympathy OP. I would go very LC. If you do have to see her and she says something snipey I would respond calmly with 'Is this how you want to be remembered Mum?' . If challenged I'd keep repeating, 'Well, you are always negative. Always unpleasant. You can't ever seem to be nice. It's a pity to think this is the impression you are going to leave on everyone, etc'.

Whatever she responds with just keep repeating, 'You just demonstrate it every time you open your mouth. It's a real shame'.

Keep drumming it into her that she's a bitch and that is what everyone will remember!

Nothing to be gained from explaining stuff to these people.
They run with their own narrative on a loop.
Best to step away and be so busy, unavailable and simply mute them.

It IS very difficult for SOME people to understand the concept of difficult parents.

My casusl friend was like this. She had a "dotey" neighbour whose "awful" children never visited at all. I advised her she hadn't a clue what the real story was, and to be careful.

Of course she knew better and over the months they became increasingly friendly with her eventually hearing little snippets of how awful her children were for avoiding her, and repeating such stories to me when we bumped into each other. I repeated she hadn't a clue what the real story might be, and was only getting one version.

As time went on she roped her husband in to do little jobs for her. He wasn't happy about it but humoured my friend.

One day he was asked about doing some biggish jobs for her in the garden, maintenance and the like, that would actually take several days.

He said he paid for such work to be done in his own garden, but could pass on the number.
She was very sharp with him and called him "work shy" , and a few other choice terms.
He exited quickly and told my friend he was "out" and never to involve him again.

Anyway friend also got it in the ear and was shocked at how she was spoken to, so viciously.

So she too tried to back away but was hounded by her, viciously gossiped about and was very upset by it all.

I ran into her and was more than a bit judgy "told you so"....with fxxk all sympathy for her.

I actually said to her, " now you know why she doesn't see ANY of her children, god love THEM".

"As you judge, so shall you be judged" Mathew 7: 1-2
🤣🤣🙄😂

Wouldnt bring her away it be miserable. Siblings feel same. People dont understand it as their family easy

I just say job busy wont get over.. nothing changed. 80s. She will dig x is great to her mam but I say ah they must be close family. Lol. Unfort she always had the upper hand. Dad gave her her own way.

Horrible op isnt it. Im low contact with mine one wend visit. Its enough for me mentally. Had alot put downs. Empty card for my 50th lol. I had counselling she said these people dont change mary.

Kindly OP, keep that horror away from your children.
How confusing for your children to hear that about your childhood.

Don't ever allow them to be burdened by her again.
She doesn't care about them.

They need you to protect them, just as your father DIDN'T protect you.