To think indecision is bloody rude

I’ve got better so you’ll be pleased to hear that there is hope for ditherers.I’m certainly a lot bit less annoying than I was. My son in law has got me out of it with gentle teasing, and by pushing me to make a decision which I have now decided learned to do.

My whole family are like this so I thought it was an Irish thing until I saw this thread and I’m assuming the OP isn’t Irish. It couldn't be a generational thing as my young ish relatives are like this. Maybe it’s a worjking class thing. Growing up we wouldn’t have had the self esteem to be assertive.

Don’t offer choice. Just say ‘I’m making bacon sandwiches. Who wants one? If not, help yourself to cereal’. ‘I’m making coffee. Who wants one?’ ‘I’m going into town. Who wants to come too?’

Or

’What do you want to do this afternoon? Your choices are the park, the zoo, or swimming’

Or

’I’ll give you 10 minutes to have a think. Let me know when you’ve decided. I’m happy with whatever you decide’

Coffee is definitely more trouble in my house. Depends on what system you use. (I'd make either willingly for guests though.)

I just don't always have a preference. It's not indecision or rudeness. If someone asks me if I want tea or coffee, I might fancy coffee and say so. Or I might not care which do I'll let them decide which they want to do.

I agree. From my own perspective I would react the same to questions like that. It's not being indecisive. It's lack of confidence and trying to make your host feel comfortable.

If I have visitors I just plan all meals as I know my family's likes and dislikes. I also think it shows hospitality, since it demonstrates that I have thought about their visit in advance. The only meal I ask about, again in advance, is breakfast because I am not a breakfast fan.
Luckily I live abroad, so giving guests local food saves me a fair amount of thought and is interesting/different for them.
The only question I might ask are, whether they would like a gin and tonic or a kir royale pre-supper (wine already chosed to go with the food).

Ugh; YANBU.

My DH has a pathological fear, I sometimes think, of speaking plainly. He'll say things like "Do you think we should be leaving?", then when I say "No" he'll reel off a million reasons why we should be leaving, in an irritated voice. Drives me fucking nuts. He often says (when things blow up at work) "I told them we should have done this!" and now I've got to the stage when I say "Did you actually tell them, or ask them if they thought it should be done this way? Because that's not the same thing."

It's very annoying, but I don't think passive aggressive. In my experience the people who say they don't mind are the same type that would sit there looking at a kettle and cups but wouldn't dream of making themselves a cup of tea because they are waiting for you to do it for them. Despite being told repeatedly to help themselves they are afraid it might be rude.

Another similarly annoying thing is a host that fusses and cannot accept your answer. Are you sure you wouldn't like more tea, can I get you anything else, are you sure you don't want more eggs, is that warm enough for you, will I heat it up, are you sure, it's no trouble I can just pop it in the microwave etc etc

I don’t think it’s always indecision- I think sometimes people don’t care and want to make it easy for you. I say ‘whatever you’re having’ so no extra fuss is made! I genuinely couldn’t care less what was on the menu, it’s actually I’m desperate to not put you out anymore than already am by staying!!

My MIL used to be like this, I found it quite annoying but I forgave her as I knew it came from a lifetime of domestic abuse, first from her family and then from FIL.

I hate the people pleaser excuses.

Do you want a tea or coffee isn’t a difficult question and neither is more trouble than the other.

Where shall we go? Again, expand your hosts horizons - bring something to the table!!

DH family does this a lot over the years. Hard hard work and also puts you in the driving seat for all minor decisions (exhausting) . Coupled with actually having preferences so not always happy with the decisions then you feel at fault.

I’m terribly indecisive and honestly it’s not because I’m being rude and now i feel very bad that it may come across this way.
I’m indecisive when I don’t really care about the outcome or if it’s a big major impacts my life decision. If someone said do you want eggs for breakfast easy answer is no I don’t like eggs. if it’s something I don’t like or don’t fancy I will say no, but if they are like sausage or bacon sandwich I usually go which would your prefer, or whichever is easiest for you to make, whichever is open etc. it doesn’t impact my life I like both. Will have to be more assertive going forward it seems as apparently it’s rude!

I had a friend who would ask me what I'd like to do or where or when we could meet and I'd decide. But every time, she'd override my decision (I don't like the food there, that's too early for me, I don't fancy that film etc) so in the end I stopped making the decisions and left it up to her. When she asked me to decide after that, I told her why I wouldn't.

I'd find it annoying but don't think it's rude. And can that even be passive-aggressive (though I guess it depends on tone.) They're probably trying to be undemanding guests. Just tell them that it's easier for you if they state a preference.

I used to be like this. I was brought up to be invisible, not to be a burden or place any demands on anyone, not to put people out in any way, to be ‘easygoing’ and just fit in, not expect people to cater to my wishes.

So I was a serial ‘I don’t mind’ or ‘whatever you’re doing’ type. Until one day someone exploded at me over it and told me it was infuriating and came across like I didn’t care or couldn’t be bothered. I’d never seen it from that point of view before, I genuinely thought I was being helpful by not expressing a want that had to be catered for.

I’m much less likely to do it now, but the old tendency does creep in at times, particularly if there are a lot of people to be considered, I’m likely to just say I’ll go with the flow/majority rather than add one more voice to the mix of suggestions.

I don’t see it as passive-aggressive or indecisive as such. It is just irritating! I find it draining. It shows a lack of interest or enthusiasm for anything and I can’t be bothered with that. It’s also quite lazy and puts all the responsibility on the host.

I agree. I know it's irritating. I find it annoying when people do it to me. But it's often something ingrained in childhood. My parents were both extremely angry people who'd be furious if things didn't go their way. But they also weren't predictable so what was okay one day would be a hanging offence the next. It made making choices scary in case you chose the wrong one. I know it's because of this as I had no trouble with decisions when my children were younger or when I'm on my own.

I've largely trained myself out of it but it still comes back when e.g. I'm tired or I'm with someone who's very particular themselves so my ingrained fear of someone being upset with me resurfaces. With me it's certainly not pass agg. but I can imagine some people are when they make you choose and then huff about it.

DH has some relatives like this. When we visited them in their home country, instead of suggesting things they just kept asking what we wanted to do, eat, see etc. Although it’s where they live, they did not offer one suggestion for interesting places to go or good places to eat. We had to tell them what we wanted to do.

I thought it might be a cultural thing about hosting, but no, when they visited us they were exactly the same. They offered no ideas about what they wanted to do, see or eat and we had to come up with all the ideas.

As nice as they are, it’s exhausting spending time with them. And I constantly felt like I was getting it wrong when everything was met with a lukewarm response.

Nah, I think she just doesn't know what passive aggressive is.

You're basing your opinion off someone you knew who did seem to be doing it in a passive aggressive way. But what the OP describes is quite common behaviour even though it can be annoying, it's not passive aggressive, it isn't because they don't want to engage with the person like you're implying, it's more that they don't want to be a burden and they want to be easy going.........it can of course make them more of a burden because then you have a guess but the intention is not bad.

Yes. My mum is a serial offender too. Although I get cross now I am menopausal, so she will make a decision eventually as she see it upsets me.

However it also works the other way round. DH will always ask if I would like a coffee in the morning. Ever since I met him 21 years ago, I have had a cup coffee first thing!
I have said just assume I do because I will say if I don’t but he says it’s polite and he can’t help it.
I now tell him “no” when he asks and he makes one anyway. That’s passive aggressive.

Stop offering choices. Not “do you want tea or coffee”, instead “do you want coffee” Don’t offer a choice of breakfast either. Are you a bloody hotel? Just say “do you want scrambled egg?”

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily indecision. They may be trying to make things easier for you. But you just need to stop offering choices anyway.

When I used to ask my dad if he wanted tea or coffee, he'd always say whatevers easiest. Used to drive me mad. I got him out of that habit by replying I'm not confused by either of those recipes, just tell me what you'd like. Took a couple of times but he does now tell me what he wants.
I never found it rude though just annoying.