To think indecision is bloody rude

Or if your host asks whether you'd like cereal or a full English for breakfast, say "A full English sounds lovely thanks", or "Just cereal for me today please". Not "I don't mind / whatever you're having / anything is fine for me".

Exactly, its tiring. Its one thing doing it now and then but when its like a default, it becomes decision making labour being put on other people. And of course the MN demographic contains a lot of women who are already disproportionately likely to be doing the food and life management for other people.

Well, surely now you know!

I’m afraid I’m this person 🙈 I think it’s being helpful to hosts as I’ll do whatever,
I’ve never thought of it being annoying just accommodating.
Perhaps I should say ….. I’d like to go shopping today after a full English, coming home to steak, pepper sauce, broccoli and twice cooked chips!!

I think it's two things - one some people are passive aggressive about it -like my mum always making me choose where will go for lunch and then complaining after ('i thought you'd choose differently' she'll say when questioned why she bloody made me choose in the first place!
And two it's tiring being the one always having to make the call - I also have social anxiety but I force myself to make the decision at times so my friends aren't the ones always deciding.

It’s not passive aggressive, it’s just passive.

And what @thinklagoon said - it puts all the pressure on the host to think of things to do/cook etc.

I used to be like this and my family is still very much like this. It drives me mad. Example being a family member came to stay recently. I asked what they wanted to do, they said they didn’t mind, I made a suggestion and they said “yes, I was thinking I’d like to go there”.

Well why not say so then? Why make me do all the work when you have a clear preference?

I live in a touristy area so now give options eg beach, coastal village, inland walks etc to try to narrow it down. I work full time, this is my weekend too; I don’t want to spend it thinking on someone else’s behalf even if that does make me a crap host!

This is me. I'm so sorry as I can understand all the people saying it's annoying.

For me, it's pure indecision. I genuinely don't know what I want. Even when I'm on my own, deciding on what to eat can be enough of a chore that I'll end up going hungry. Or I'll scroll Netflix for so long trying to find something to watch that it's bedtime before I've come up with an answer. I don't know how people do it. I'm paralysed by it.

My sister appears to be the same although hers is definitely due to being a chronic people pleaser.

🤣🤣🤣

Why offer? Just say, it's chips and salad today. All this choosing makes your life harder and they probably can't be bothered to decide.

My relative does this when they come to stay, and then whatever I decide they moan about or make it clear they don't like it, "oh I thought we might have done that..."

When i have guests I'll make individual drinks - coffee for those that want it, tea for those that want it etc. So I'm just asking you to decide what it is you want - not what everyone has- that would be strange.

YABU.

I have social anxiety and I can be indecisive. Often, it's a case of wanting the other person to make a choice first (if there's only one of something, for example), so it's quite the opposite, out of politeness. I would feel mortified if someone was to incorrectly interpret it as me being rude or passive aggressive. That's definitely a them/you problem. But if they are constantly saying it and it seems on purpose, I can understand a bit more.

This is my family. So you decide for them and then they'll bitch behind your back for weeks, as whatever you decide is wrong. Its hugely frustrating. Im not a mind reader and I'll forget things, so if you have an opinion, tell me.

I did manage to train my dad out of one annoying response though!

If I ask him if he wants a cup of tea he always responds ‘if you’re making one’

I don’t like tea and never have, so I never would be making one.

I started to take him at his word and not make anything. 10 minutes later he’d ask where the tea was and I’d reply, ‘I wasn’t making one for myself, and you told me not to bother unless I was’

After the second time he has now changed his answer to ‘yes, please’ 😁

OP, your point about validation resonates.

I sometimes suggest we do things purely for mum's benefit. I'm just trying to be nice and will suggest we go here, or there, or do this or that thing. It's not something I'm bothered about - I'm just doing it for her. And all I get is "I don't mind"!!

"Oh yes,that sounds great" or "Yes please, I'd love that" would be so nice to hear once in a while, and ease the pressure from having to thanklessly plan and do everything.

My SIL did this - first morning here DH asks if we would like a hot drink, I ask for coffee & DH replies " No way, not the devils brue !" - (inside joke weve had for so long we've both forgotten how it started. )
SIL asks for tea. Then is mildly annoyed that I had coffee as she also wanted coffee. Had a long chat with her - her exH was an arsehole was very opinionated on her decisions. We always thought she hated Indian food- turns out she actually loves it . It took a LOT of persuading to get her to tell us her preferences, she was so used to going along with what she thought everyone else wanted.

Yes! Living abroad and hosting people means this is a constant issue.

The problem isn’t saying ‘I don’t mind’ once or twice, it’s saying it about EVERY MEAL and every activity for three weeks straight (how long both our parents visit for).

It’s like having extra children, having to meal plan and do their schedule every day to fit in with my own … And the passive-aggressive attitudes when they don’t like the thing.

I once explained to my dad that this attitude isn’t polite, it’s lazy and makes a lot more work for me and he got really angry. With him it’s that he doesn’t want to take responsibility if it’s the ‘wrong’ choice, he wants it to be someone else’s fault and not his.

My favourite variety of guests are ones that have a few days of their own planned, a few things they want to see and meals they want to eat. Then we can discuss together and it doesn’t feel like I am doing it all on my own.

I hate this and think people who do this don't realise how annoying they are.

Leaving all the decisions up to others, especially in regard to going out, means you can never make the wrong decision. Anything that goes wrong is someone else's fault!

So you're making me 'decide for other people'? If I have a preference, I'll say so. If they want me to make the choice, they can say that more clearly: 'I don't know whether to make tea or coffee. Tell me which to make.' In that case, I'd tell them which to make. Asking me which I'd prefer means I have the option to say I don't have a preference.

I don't find this rude or passive aggressive, but it winds me up!

My mum's answer to everything is "I don't mind", "whatever you think", "I'm easy". But then she misses out on experiences because she daren't express a preference. And she is so far from "easy", it's laughable!

She came home from a city break to Paris with 2 friends and said, mournfully, "I can't believe i went to Paris and never once got to go to a French bakery". I asked if she'd told her friends that she'd like to visit one:"Well, no". And then it was of course the friends' fault for causing her to miss out.

Of course minor decisions aren’t a big deal if you’re not making any! OP’s describing people making zero decisions: it’s exhausting to be on her end of it because she has to do all the thinking and deciding for them. The flow they’re going with is entirely created by her.

Imagine if she also went with the flow and found minor decisions not a big deal: what do you want for breakfast? I don’t mind. I don’t mind either. Whatever you’re having. Not bothered what I’m having. Me either. So what shall we have? Dunno, whatever you want.

At some point, someone has to make the decision. Ideally, it’s not the same person every time because it’s exhausting and boring to spend time with someone so inert.

Bloody irritating - Yes
Rude - Absolutely not

But then you are making some one else choose what you are going to drink - that's super annoying. Just make a call and don't outsource the decision making. Most people have enough on their plates without having to decide for other people.