To think indecision is bloody rude

I don't think it's rude exactly but it is fucking annoying.

I think a lot of people are brought up to think that having any kind of strong opinion or conviction is rude or a bit forthright or "not something nice people do". Particularly women: a lot of women are raised to speak when they're spoken to and not to be too direct.

I find it really depressing and want to shake them. But its very deeply ingrained.

This is imo an excess of politeness all around. With guests and food i offer a choice of two things. I decide the weeks evening meals, shop and cook them . With the offer of "is there anything in particular you'd like"? If not, I make all the decisions. Life is too short for shilly shallying.

Absolutely this. There were definite preferences, not expressed, but expected to be magically known about.

We tried the taking them at their word approach and just setting off - WRONG.

The time wasted - the precious time that could have been spent actually enjoying each other company sometimes became an invisible, unspoken series of tests, which we could only fail.

More trivially (but obviously extremely common judging by this thread) the tea or coffee question. Whichever is easiest! Actually, what is easiest, is you telling me what you want, and I will gladly make it, as neither drink is beyond my capabilities - rather than an extended convo for the umpteenth time about how you can have what you want. Exhausting.

I know I seem in a strop about this, but honestly - life is short, relationships are important, honest and authentic connections with people you care about are valuable. All this PA crap chips away until you dread the visits of such people..

My DH refuses to make any fucking decisions, leaves it all to me. But then is very quick to say 'why did you do that? Wouldn't it have been better to.....'
😠🔫

Let them get their own breakfast, suggest that to them, and leave it to them what to do during the day, you don't have to be together all the time. Try to be laid back. They are in someone else's house and want to please you but are not pleasing you, they need your permission to be themselve.

My grandfather used to reply “I’m easy” and dm and my grandmother would say “making us make your decisions is not ‘easy’” and it became a joke. He was a people pleaser so that was a learning curve for him in his 70s.

It can be a bit annoying, but I don’t think it’s rude or passive-aggressive — they probably just don’t want to inconvenience you.

Maybe try a buffet breakfast so they can help themselves, and start saying things like, “We’re doing this today if you’d like to join us.”

The only time it would really bother me is if it goes like:
You: “Where do you want to eat?”
Them: “Oh, anywhere, it’s up to you.”
You: “Okay, let’s go to Wagamama.”
Them: “Oh, I don’t like Wagamama.”
… and then they pull faces at every suggestion you make.

Good luck!

I hate this too - but it’s not really just indecision that’s annoying, it is as PPs have said the dishonesty and passive aggressive element.

If you really just can’t make decisions and are happy for other people to choose and are honest about that, that’s ok. I think you could maybe work on it and try to be more decisive for your own benefit, but that’s not what enrages me. It’s people who do the “I don’t mind” thing then moan about what you actually ended up doing. Or even worse my friend who says she doesn’t mind, so I say what my choice is, and then she tries to steer me around to what she actually wants, but won’t actually say it - she just tries to get me to say it so I’ve “made the decision”. I hate it so much but she’s quite timid and sensitive so I find it hard to bring it up.

I think for some people it’s a fear of making a decision in case they’re seen as bossy - or maybe so they don’t feel responsible and can shift the blame onto someone if it was a bad decision. But if you’re going to be controlling or PA about it anyway then it will piss people off.

Absolutely 100% hate this 🤣.

Just get to the point- TELL me what you want/like, I'm not bloody psychic!

YANBU 💯

My mil does this and it's clear afterwards that she did have a preference as you get a sulky vibe if you get it wrong (which she perhaps tries to hide but fails) so you feel like you're in a constant guessing game. Exhausting.

My DM is terrible for this. I had inherited the tendency, but was cured in a flash in my twenties when a friend I was staying with got exasperated at my refusal to express a breakfast preference. All at once i saw how fucking annoying I was being. Now I make decisions promptly and clearly and am much happier (and a much better house guest).

DM is regularly aghast at my assertiveness, but she'll choke down food she doesn't like for fear of being a bother, and who wants that in a dining companion?

My late mother-in-law was like that. It came from severe lack of self-confidence. It used to drive me mad, too.

My mum's answer to everything is "I don't mind", "whatever you think", "I'm easy". But then she misses out on experiences because she daren't express a preference. And she is so far from "easy", it's laughable!
She came home from a city break to Paris with 2 friends and said, mournfully, "I can't believe i went to Paris and never once got to go to a French bakery". I asked if she'd told her friends that she'd like to visit one:"Well, no". And then it was of course the friends' fault for causing her to miss out.

I think @KPPlumbing and I have the same mother! One of my friends once said about my mother, “I’ve never met anyone with such strong preferences who completely refuses to express them”. And it was a huge moment of clarity for me, having lived with it all my life. With my mother, there was a definite expectation that things should be done the way she wanted without her having to say. And that was very irritating and stressful.

i can see why a question of “what would you like for dinner?” Is a bit difficult/loaded - there are almost infinite suggestions and nobody wants to say “rack of lamb with dauphinoise potatoes please” if there’s a chance that the host was thinking takeaway pizza or macaroni cheese. But when it’s a case of “red or white?” or “tea or coffee?”, I do think people should be able to state a preference when asked!

You can behave as you wish, but they are not incorrect, as you put it, to feel they way they do about your behaviour.

But it's not polite - you're just creating work for other people by making them decide on your behalf, and hoping they've got it right. Or, as pp have said, you're denying them the opportunity to treat you as you won't indicate what would make you happy. My MIL is this kind of people-pleaser, thinking she's being all accomodating and low-maintenance, but it actually has the opposite effect of making people around her feel that nothing they do will actually please her.

My SIL, on the other hand, thinks her inability to make decisions is some sort of cute personality quirk. I don't know which is more infuriating.

I tend to say (in a friendly tone) ‘it’s all the same to me but a decision makes it easier.’

It tends to work.

Don't you ever ask guests what they would like to do/what they would like to eat or drink, then?

Don't be silly, there is a middle ground.

People can say stuff like I don't mind (to show flexibility) but maybe a walk would be nice today? Or I don't mind where we eat but that restaurant we went to before was good? Little hints that at least show some preferences.

They seem like the easiest of guest imaginable. Anxious to simply fit in and not cause any problems. Be very very thankful you don’t have the other sort, the sort who are reluctant to put their hand in their pocket, never do a hands turn and are the fussiest/pickiest eaters on the planet. Oh….and those charmers who leave their rooms a tip when they finally do leave.

AIBU or not? I couldn't decide which way to vote, I'll go with whatever the majority have said.

It isn’t rude. I find the person doing the asking isn’t very good at making decisions and wants someone else to come up with something.

I've had guests staying since Thursday. They decided last night they wanted to catch the 8.05am train home this morning so that they could fit in an afternoon's WFH. We warned them that in rush hour we'd need to leave by 7.15am, and so I and my partner were up at 6.30am making toast and coffee and gathering together bits of their stuff they'd left all over the house. We had to wake them, too, because they hadn't put their alarms on. They had long showers and dried their hair, with us chivvying all the way and my partner going out and getting the car opened up — and now they've decided to take the 9am train instead and are having a three-course breakfast.

We've had days of 'We don't do breakfast' followed by them eating muesli and cereal and fruit and yoghurt and toast and eggs and croissants. The game is repeated at every bloody meal. 'We don't eat/ we're not hungry' followed by them hoovering up anything we put on the table.

This thread is fantastic, laughing my head off here. It’s such a basic thing but I don’t think I’ve ever seen all the varieties set out like this before.

I don’t think there are any ‘right’ answers—what’s so deliciously toe-curling about this is it’s about establishing the micro’est of hierarchies—but there are definitely two wrong ones. Don’t have no view when you’re the one initiating the activity eg by paying a visit to someone, because that’s giving them a job without helping them to do it. Worst of all is expressing no preference then complaining about the outcome – that is definitely passive-aggressive!

Another permutation that drives me mad is to give you the options one-by-one, when they know what’s on offer and you don’t:

“Would you like a cup of tea?” ‘that’d be lovely, thanks’
starts making tea
“You can have coffee” ‘yeah okay, I’ll have coffee’
puts out coffee
“I’ve made this big jug of sangria”

My FIL used to do it this way and it drove me mad – I might have bloody loved a glass of sangria but I can hardly ask for it now can I?!!

If I ever patio my husband, this will be the reason. It's painful.