To think indecision is bloody rude

What happens if both people "have the same as you"?

@DressOrSkirt

It's literally a disability.

It isn't literally a disability. It may be a hang-up or an anxiety. But it's not something you can't conquer. And honestly you don't have the luxury of indulging it.

I don't like reading bank statements or using spreadsheets. That's not a disability, it's just something I'm bad at and don't enjoy. But I've learned over time that the world isn't going to indulge me because I don't like doing these things.

Surely if you reframe it as being more of a burden to other people that you dither and can't articulate what you want, that should help you understand what a pain it is for them?

I will have the same as you is a decision. Not indecisiveness which I agree is annoying.

@CruCru

I used to have a friend at school a bit like this - I think she’d been taught that “nice girls” don’t say what they want directly - in fact she once said “I want doesn’t get”. It drove my mother crackers - to the point where she would say “Rachel! Speak! Say what you’d prefer, you are making me crazy!” (My mother is a direct woman, although she said it nicely). The friend also whispered when she spoke to adults.

My mum was a classic example of the sort of person who had been trained to erase herself so much she thought having any kind of personality or opinion was unladylike. She also used to say "I want doesn't get". It's awful to watch people who are so brainwashed by this that they feel its taboo to have a food preference. No one is going to blacklist you for saying you'd rather have a hard-boiled egg than a soft-boiled egg.

I do have a degree of sympathy when its young people but I also think as an adult you have to pull your big girl pants up a bit, if only to not model being completely wet to your kids.

But I can't say easily what I mean. It's literally a disability.

@LillyPJ

And maybe once in a while having no clear preference is just that - not indecision, not rudeness, just not caring one way or the other?

But if you genuinely have no clear preference between toast and cornflakes (as opposed to expecting someone to know by osmosis) why not just pick one? Rather than forcing the person offering to make the decision all the time. Why does it always have to be someone else's job to make decisions?

It's really infantile.

But some people offer two things and one would be the wrong answer. And you would be in trouble for it. So your brain assumes that all people are like this.

obviously the onus is on the person panicking to do the mental work to break the cycle but it can be hard.

Completely agree. You aren’t in charge if others feelings, you (that poster) are trying to control people as it makes you feel comfortable. You need to work on that.

A few people have said that it is annoying but neither rude nor passive aggressive. The thing is, it is rude and passive aggressive, particularly if you can see that it is stressing your host out.

I used to have a friend at school a bit like this - I think she’d been taught that “nice girls” don’t say what they want directly - in fact she once said “I want doesn’t get”. It drove my mother crackers - to the point where she would say “Rachel! Speak! Say what you’d prefer, you are making me crazy!” (My mother is a direct woman, although she said it nicely). The friend also whispered when she spoke to adults.

And maybe once in a while having no clear preference is just that - not indecision, not rudeness, just not caring one way or the other?

Stop!!

They are clearly old enough to know what to sort their own breakfast.

Agree, a lot of this stems from it being a thing we did as kids to keep us safe. We often don’t click that we don’t need to do it any more as we won’t get in trouble for the wrong answer or get praised for being “no trouble”.

If I offer you two options, either is an acceptable answer. You don’t need to study my tastes to know whether I secretly want you to choose an egg and onion sandwich rather than a ham sandwich, because I’m having egg. I don’t secretly want you to choose either. That is why I offered you two choices. I just want you to say one or the other.

Can't make up my mind on this one 🤔😉

@DressOrSkirt

Luckily the people I stay with aren't so intolerant.
If I can do something easily that someone else struggles with I am more than happy to do that, and I get that in return.

Fine, it's nice to go along with what other people are doing and not be pig-headed about everything if it makes pointless work for other people. I get that.

But surely there's a spectrum here. If someone says: "what would you like for breakfast?" saying "eggs benedict please and I want it like this..." is a bit entitled.

But if someone says: "You can have toast, croissants, muesli or cornflakes for breakfast, what would you like?" and you then still say "I don't mind," you're just being ridiculous. You've been provided with the manageable options already. Someone has already done the work of providing the foods and thinking about what's manageable. Why would you, in this situation, give them more mental load to do?

That's the kind of indecisiveness which drives people mad. It's needless self-effacement and dithering when you can very easily just say what you mean.

I've always felt awkward around anyone offering me anything. I've felt that expressing a preference would be indicative of me being greedy. I also think sometimes people offer things that are a lot of work for them and I don't want them to do extra work on my account. It's been quite painful for me at times and it's certainly not been intended to be passive aggressive or annoying, it just feels so, so awkward for someone to make me a tea. I'd rather get myself a brew when no one's looking.

I've worked quite hard on assertiveness and although it still makes me cringe, I can state choice when offered and clarify if the other person is having the same so I know what the acceptable answer is. Like I know my mum likes onion so is likely also to have onion on her sandwich, so I'll say I will if you're having some too. But equally I'm naturally easy going and happy to fit in and that is a basic personality trait that I'll always have. If there's no onion on the sandwich, then that is also fine, I'll enjoy it without.

I am getting professional help!

You ought to realise that not everyone's brain in the same.

Luckily the people I stay with aren't so intolerant.

If I can do something easily that someone else struggles with I am more than happy to do that, and I get that in return.

@DressOrSkirt

I find decisions physically painful. My chest feels like it's seizing up and my heart races. If I feel under pressure because there are people waiting for my decision, or my decision will affect them, it's even worse.

But, with kindness, that's a problem for you to sort out, not one to inflict on your hosts/friends.

As an adult, you really ought to be able to make basic decisions around things like what you would like to eat (or not) and what time you have to leave. If you can't do that you're not really in a position to expect other people to host you. You probably ought to get professional help with this.

You don't know that. I find decisions physically painful. My chest feels like it's seizing up and my heart races. If I feel under pressure because there are people waiting for my decision, or my decision will affect them, it's even worse.

Sorry but surely it’s on you to work on this, rather than everyone else to pick up the burden of making decisions for you (an adult) and be “understanding”.

Completely this. People need to realise that chronic indecision isn't polite or cute, it's just really really draining for other people.

It puts the other person in the position of having to constantly second guess/anticipate other people's needs on top of the actual work they are doing/money they are spending.

And why does ableism come into it? Neurodiversity/introversion aren't an excuse to create more work for other people. If you really find having an opinion or making a basic decision that stressful for you, don't stay with other people.

Yes, I agree. I guess I was assuming I was the only guest.