To think indecision is bloody rude

I don’t get how they’re trying to fit in and be easy, it’s as much effort and almost the same process to make a cup of tea or coffee, or toast and cereal, so just pick one.

WTF? they are trying to fit in and be easy! Just give them what you'd do anyway!

They may think its being helpful leaving the choice to you. You need to tell them that you think its rude. Or at least tell them its annoying. Ask them to make a decision or stop giving them a choice. I don't even know what passive aggressive is even though I get accused of it on occasion. If they are older they may not even realise how you feel. People are not mind readers. If they continue to do it after that then that is rude.

It is infuriating...

However I can see how it happens and people learn to be this way.

I did for ages - because in my experience, asking for what I wanted resulted in unpleasantness - from huffing and stomping about to ridicule/humiliation or even full on shouting.

I have learned not to do it, after being on the receiving end of it as an adult, and realised I wasn't being laid back or easy going I was being a pain in the arse, and my hosts were NOT the people who taught me not to express preference/want.

Ask either or questions:

'Toast or cereal'

If they say 'whatever is easiest/whatever you're having' you can just supply that.
If that isn't what they actually wanted they will in time learn to specify what they want. If they're foolish enough to keep eating/drinking something they don't like, that is very much their problem.

Or just suggest:

'I am having toast, would you like some'.

Or better yet - 'the kitchen is there, help yourself if you do not want what I am having - I will be having coffee and toast.'

Each of those responses is the same as them saying "I don't care." I can see how that would drive you mad if it's all the time, about everything you ask them. They are not giving you the chance to please them, because how can you, if they won't express any preference?

I find this annoying but I just make a decision for them and if they don’t like it then too bad, a lot of people seem to like someone else taking the lead. True indecision where they have to make a choice and won’t really drives me up the wall, DH used to be really bad for this, if we went to a restaurant he would take ages to decide what to order to the point the children would start squirming and getting bored because they were being made to sit still for so long with no food, it was self centred behaviour. I now make him check the menu of where we’re going first and choose two options in case they don’t have the thing he wants.

It isn't. OP isn't describing politeness, she's describing someone who is totally refusing to participate. Polite is eventually expressing a preference for cereal or toast, having established that the host has both. Pathologically refusing to express any preference for the slightest thing is passive-aggressive.

I agree it's irritating OP. It's probably best to just forge ahead with what suits you. So "I am making spaghetti Bolognese for dinner, hope that suits?"."I am making coffee,anyone want one".

OP is describing pathological refusal to express a single preference or want, no matter how small, and that is WEIRD. It's not the same as being polite. Most people would say something like they prefer toast or they prefer cereal, at least, or make a decision between coffee or tea. This refusal to say anything is sometimes done when someone has been made to do something or go somewhere under duress, hence the rudeness.

Imagine you were trying to arrange a date with someone. If they refused to tell you what they wanted to do, what kind of food they liked, or whether they even wanted to go to a restaurant at all - just simply REFUSED to tell you, no matter how many times you asked them what they might like to do on the date - wouldn't you be wondering whether they even wanted to go? Because what they're saying is that they don't care what you do on the date, which is perilously close to saying they don't want to go on the date at all.

This isn't about politeness. This is about a total refusal to participate, and it comes across very negatively.

That’s such a bizarre interpretation of what is people trying to not be a bother.

Yeah, and those people are also withholding the opportunity for you to please them. For example, if I knew my friend liked an expensive cocktail and I treated her to one, it would make me happy to do that for her. But with someone who refuses to express a single preference, you've got no chance of getting them the drink they like, unless you get them every drink available over many months or years and keep your ears pricked for slight signs that they like one more than all the others! Ridiculous and it IS rude. It's as if they're saying "I might be being forced to be in the same room as you, but I'm not going to interact with you or socialise with you in any meaningful way whatsoever."

How on earth is it passive aggressive?? They’re trying to not put you out. It’s not rude to try and just go with the flow.

OP, what you're describing isn't really indecision, to me. That's when someone is dithering between options. What you're describing is someone who's saying "I don't give a crap what we do." They may not mean it that way, but yes, I'd find that incredibly annoying. It comes across as if they don't actually want to do anything and won't make a single decision, like it's a protest against being there. Really passive-aggressive. I have known someone like this and it's not only annoying, it's weird and depressing to have someone there who's essentially refusing to participate in relating to you. At best, it's like trying to interact with a wet sock.

None of those examples are being indecisive- they are representative of a laid back attitude.

It’s exhausting. My mother is a chronic offender. In her case, it’s a combination of not wanting to take responsibility for a choice (‘Italian or Chinese?’ ‘Film X or Film Y?’ and thinking it’s ‘rude’ for women to answer a question directly. So ask if she’d prefer tea or coffee, and she’ll dither and then say ‘Ooh, whatever having!’ Even though she hates coffee.

It depends whether they complain when you make the decision.

Yes. my mum is exactly like this and its always drove me mad. Just say fkin yes or no when I ask if you would like something. is it a generational thing? my mum is in her early 70s.

Frustration with someone else's non-committal answer isn't being indecisive.

This. I have the exact same problem with my family and my in laws, we are Irish and I put it down to culture as I used to be like this before I travelled and moved to other places. It’s so annoying. I had my brother over to visit us recently, we’re in the UK. Our texts before his arrival went like this.
What do you want to do?
Whatever, I don’t mind.
Ok maybe we can go on a boat and explore Greenwich
I’ll do anything.
What time should I meet you?
Anytime, just come whenever.
Ok, do you want to go on the boat?
No direct answer but I’m pretty sure he said yeah that sounds good.
When we met up finally he tells me that he doesn’t like boats. He was also not ready when I arrived to the area he was staying so had to wait 40 minutes for him because he told me to ‘come whenever.’ It is rude and then when you make a decision they don’t like, they’ll go along with it and make up a lame excuse to get out of it last minute. ‘Oh I feel suddenly sick, I can’t do xyz after all.’

It not hard to understand. People are asked a question, they give an answer, you accept it.

‘Whatever you’re having’

’Fine!’

They are trying to make your life easier by not putting you to any trouble, but it’s having the opposite effect. I don’t think that’s rude, just irritating for you when people won’t make a decision.

I agree with other posters - don’t offer a choice and they won’t have to make a decision. Eg - I’m making toast and tea for breakfast , hope that’s okay with everyone?
We are going to the park around 2 ish if anyone would like to join us?

Edit for typing error

You are being equally as indecisive by not just accepting their reply!

This is a strange argument, I have to say.

It's annoying when someone either cannot or will not make a decision.

How I act depends on how well I know them and if I understand why they behave the way they do.

Im much more sympathetic if its a confidence issue than if its someone like my mum who knows exactly what she wants but refuses to say then sulks if you guess wrong.

Re your situation, take them at their word. Do what you want / what's easiest for you.

This isn’t rude behaviour, it’s polite.

You are being equally as indecisive by not just accepting their reply! When they answer, accept their answer. Or don’t offer a choice (they’re family so you are aware of their likes and dislikes).
.