Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

He'll be especially annoyed you've been slagging his mum and sister off behind their back to him and they're singing your praises. He probably sees you as deceitful and will be wondering what you say behind his back.

As far as I can see from your OP, they didn't do anything wrong except get up early (jetlag?) and make some noise. If he only sees them rarely and this is the first time you hosted they would be due a little grace instead of what sounds like nitpicking and judgement behind their backs. How do you react when he critiques your family?

I do get the work that goes into hosting but I do think your comments were not really necessary. It’s your DH’s family, they’ve come from overseas and for only 4 days. So it’s a chance to make the best of the time you have with them. But you are complaining about quite minor things eg a bit of noise in the morning and criticising parenting when you don’t have children. You keep referring to them as ‘guests’ and I get that but they are also your DH’s family in your joint home. And you are complaining about them while they are actually there, it’s like making a snide remark behind the back of your hand in front of someone. You made it very clear to your DH that his family’s visit was problematic for you so I’m not surprised he’s not thanking you.

You seem to be seeing MIL's effusive text after leaving as proof you're a great DIL - it's actually proof she's a great MIL. I suspect DH is hurt that she's so generous to you and you've been so ungenerous about her.

And the comment on SIL's parenting was absolutely unnecessary. How on earth does wanting to have kids yourself one day justify you criticising someone else's parenting??

EXACTLY. He doesn't seem to appreciate all you did to welcome them and make them comfortable. (It sounds like you went above and beyond with the birthday arrangements etc. Your MIL seems to be appreciative. How is your relationship with your SIL?)
Worse, when you gently voiced your valid concerns during their stay, he dismissed you altogether. In fact, his response sounds downright abusive. I'm sure you were both exhausted but I notice YOU didn't get angry and sulky, only HIM. There's no excuse for him to behave like this to you!
Please think about the bigger picture going forward. Do you really want to have kids with someone who clearly cannot except ANY criticism of his family, particularly when warranted. Remember, it's YOUR home too. Please don't let him diminish you any further... Look after yourself x

I'm not fully clear on what it is they did wrong. You say you provided a cake etc and they said thank you and that you were great.

I don't really see why you needed to start whispering insults about them to your husband as soon as they went to bed. He loves them. It puts him in an awkward position.

How would you feel if he whispered critical remarks about your mum while she was staying?

Unless they've done something awful you haven't mentioned I don't think it is great that you kept slagging them off. He should've been helping you host them and clean, cook etc obviously.

Just don't invite them again. Visit them or they can sleep in a hotel.

I'm just pleased that you are not tied to this man by joint children. You can decide whether you want to be tied to him by marriage, or you can decide not to be. Clean break.

Fair enough that does change it slightly in that I don't think you should need tk give any more grace than he does.
However you also might just noth have different limits when it comes to your families and that's fine and valid.

And I still think your comments were over the top and out of order.

The unwritten rule of life is that no one can slate your family but you.

So you were mistaken to criticise them; especially about SIL being a bad mum - yikes!!! That will bite you in the bum if you ever have kids.

However, that sulking and choice of words would majorly piss me off. He can tell you he doesn't like your negativity but saying you ruined everything is really * annoying!

On the bright side OP, your H is clearly a man of integrity in refusing to allow his mum and sister to be bad mouthed by his wife, and isn't the sort of limp lettuce who agrees passively for an easy life. That sort of loyalty is worth something and you may be glad of it one day. I think you need to separate all you did from what you said, as the first doesn't give you free pass for the second. If you feel you did too much and your H didn't pull his weight then that's an entirely different conversation, it's not your mitigation.

It sounds like a cultural thing. You say you don’t speak the sane language Is he from a culture where extended family often lives together or are all very close? Where no one can criticise the older generations

@TryingAgainAgainAgain that’s your contribution to this whole thread?! Do you actually know what gaslighting means because in nothing the OP has said is there anything that indicates gaslighting! Very odd post.

In the nicest way op, you can think somebody is rude and just not mention it, especially when it’s clearly an important visit to your DH. The time to complain would have been to a sibling or friend, not the person who was raised by the woman you are criticising. Or you could have just kept it in.

They sound like they were nice guests. Your husband loves them and he doesn't get to live in the same country as them. He must have been so excited to have them stay and then your criticising hurt his feelings.

I'm not surprised he's upset. When will he see them again?

International families are tricky. He doesn’t see his family for long stretches then when he does, it’s stressful and intense. It’s a similar dynamic with us. Just reign in the bitching if it upsets him.

OP, you were tired and cranky privately.
He has used this as an opportunity to put you down and be nasty.

Do not rush into having children with him when he is so obviously setbon punishing you for any criticism of his family.

I doubt this is in isolation.

How is he gaslighting her? Having a different experience of a situation is not gaslighting.

It sounds to me like you definitely don't live in the country he's from?
Do you live where you're from and if so do you see your family on any type of regular basis.
I think this matters as if he's giving up regular relations with his family while you're not you need to be more forgiving when you then do spend time with his family.

And in any case I think you were rude and calling his sister neglectful to her kids is actually so mean. Like what's he supposed to do with that, laugh and say ha ha yeah she totally is, look at her neglect my niblings how funny or is he supposed to talk to her based on your few days with her? It's a big word to throw around.

The husband sounds like a toxic, gaslighting prick, so yes, let's hope OP gets away from him. Without introducing any kids into the shitshow.

I didn't read much beyond the first paragraph
Maybe you should have asked, or not assumed.
Both prepped for the visit.

This reads like you’ve gone into the visit as if it’s an episode of “Four in a Bed” where you prepare relentlessly for your formal unknown guests, judge them cattily on their behaviour, and bitch about them with your co-host.

Except actually they weren’t formal unknown guests, they were family, and the person you bitched to was looking forward to spending time with his mother and sister, and had hoped and expected that his wife would engage positively with his loved ones.

OP you can’t control other people and how they behave, and you have to relax a bit whilst hosting family and just go with the flow, read the room, understand that a lovely family visit isn’t one where everyone is on their best behaviour but the time together is an investment in your relationship.

It sounds like they were up early because they couldn’t sleep- maybe jet lag, maybe because the room was not set up for comfort. Did you ask them why they were moving the furniture? were they actually just moving a kitchen chair out from under the table and didn’t know how sound would carry? Perhaps they were going to bed early because it was exhausting being around you and they couldn’t relax? And then you immediately start nitpicking about them to your husband rather than asking if they seemed ok / were having a nice time. What a horrible experience for your husband.

He's saying you ruined everything because you DID ruin everything. I'd be so upset in your DH's position.
His family come over, presumably he doesn't get to see them very often, they on the whole are good guests (not perfect, but who is?) and yet you want to spend their short visit bitching behind their backs.
Thats his family! You are the one being negative, you are the one who has put a dampener on the visit. You owe him a massive apology

Honestly, I would apologise to your dh for criticising his family. In some relationships this is ok. Me and my dh can criticise one another's family gently, but we're careful not to to be overly mean.

Sounds like, for whatever reason your husband isn't open to this kind of dialogue. Only you can decide if this is a huge problem for you. Before having kids I would suggest some couples therapy though. Mismatched expectations around family can be a marriage killer!

In terms of them visiting again, as others have said, take him at his word. Cleaning and prepping this much sounds stressful. Let him do it for his family and make yourself scarce. Go stay with your own friends/family.

It's not a long term solution and not something I would like in my relationship, but dont let him browboat you into staying, doing a lot of the hosting work and then feeling like you have to be a stepford wife the whole time. If house guests are going to irritate (and let's be honest - they always do a little bit) and you can't let off steam to your dh, then dont be there. Voila - problem solved!

I didn't read much beyond the first paragraph.

Why on earth isn't your husband setting up the house and buying the birthday cake for his family to come and visit.

Why are you doing it all.

I just don't think it's appropriate to criticize each other's mothers and family.

One day, you'll be on the receiving end of it perhaps and you'd hope your children stood up for you and not let their partners run you down.

Next time, just let him do it all.

It sounds like you spent the four days criticising his family behind their backs, whilst being nice and pleasant to their faces. It's false - and disrespectful in itself tbh. I generally think less of people who behave like this. Perhaps that's how your husband feels.