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Original poster

Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

267 replies

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 17:03

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 10/08/2025 20:24

BunnyLake · 10/08/2025 20:22

Why are you not more chill during their visit, it was only four days.

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Probably because he had her doing everything.

BunnyLake · 10/08/2025 20:22

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 17:39

Whispering in general conversation to not wake up the guests as they are going to sleep.

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Why are you not more chill during their visit, it was only four days.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 10/08/2025 20:20

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:58

'he doesn't sound like he even likes you' - I think I needed to hear that 🙏X

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You sound like you dont really like him nor his fmaily- I hope someone tells him that too, he needs to hear it.

Sodthesystem · 10/08/2025 20:19

Ok you were a bit bitchy but he's an arsehole. And taking the piss with the whole 'they aren't coming if you are here next time' bs considering it looks like you did all the work.

Are you normally the house skivy?

He didn't accept you apology and tried to turn his nuns nice response into a bad thing.

He's contemptuous. Get rid.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 10/08/2025 20:19

Tbh you dont come across too well based on your comments-your comments sounded pretty vile (especially the one about his sister- maybe she is knackered and you have no clue what her parenting is like usually)- do you like having a go at people just because you dont have kids and you think you would be a better parent? Please come back to this thread if/when you have your own kids.

Biskieboo · 10/08/2025 20:09

Booboobagins · 10/08/2025 19:55

You are right, they lived in yor house like it was their own and were inconsiderate. You needed rules about getting up etc and didn't have them in place.

I would not have said anything about the DN being neglected. She was left to her own devices and is therefore probably quite resourceful. I agree kids should be involved but often they dont want to be, so you might have read that wrongly.

Your DH is not impartial. He didn't help expected you to do the leg work and be tired. That's absolutely not fair.

Do not consider having children with him. Honestly you need to think about what's in this relationship for you. Maybe best to end it sooner rather than later - he doesn't sound like he even likes you.

I'm sending a hug - you're in such a difficult situation but you can get out.

Good grief, I know the stock MN answer to everything is 'divorce your husband', but the OP said quite clearly that the workload regarding the visit was shared. It sounds like they both worked themselves into a lather about the visit, did loads more than they had to, needlessly knackered themselves out leasing to a shortage of patience, the OP ran her mouth off when she shouldn't have and the husband reacted more forcefully than he should have. In the good old days it would have meant a bit of a tense atmosphere for a few days followed by making up. Nowadays though you can post on MN and get a load of pop psychology cobblers recommending that you change the course of your life over it - it's ridiculous.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:58

Booboobagins · 10/08/2025 19:55

You are right, they lived in yor house like it was their own and were inconsiderate. You needed rules about getting up etc and didn't have them in place.

I would not have said anything about the DN being neglected. She was left to her own devices and is therefore probably quite resourceful. I agree kids should be involved but often they dont want to be, so you might have read that wrongly.

Your DH is not impartial. He didn't help expected you to do the leg work and be tired. That's absolutely not fair.

Do not consider having children with him. Honestly you need to think about what's in this relationship for you. Maybe best to end it sooner rather than later - he doesn't sound like he even likes you.

I'm sending a hug - you're in such a difficult situation but you can get out.

'he doesn't sound like he even likes you' - I think I needed to hear that 🙏X

OP posts:
Booboobagins · 10/08/2025 19:55

You are right, they lived in yor house like it was their own and were inconsiderate. You needed rules about getting up etc and didn't have them in place.

I would not have said anything about the DN being neglected. She was left to her own devices and is therefore probably quite resourceful. I agree kids should be involved but often they dont want to be, so you might have read that wrongly.

Your DH is not impartial. He didn't help expected you to do the leg work and be tired. That's absolutely not fair.

Do not consider having children with him. Honestly you need to think about what's in this relationship for you. Maybe best to end it sooner rather than later - he doesn't sound like he even likes you.

I'm sending a hug - you're in such a difficult situation but you can get out.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:49

JLou08 · 10/08/2025 19:44

You sound really critical. I do think there needs to be some extra sensitivity when discussing someone's family, especially their mother, with them. Accusing someone of child neglect is a huge insult too.
If my DH was bitching about my family just because they got up at 6am I wouldn't be happy. I'd probably be rethinking having children with them.
You sound really dramatic too, 2 days straight cleaning? When you don't have children? You're either massively exaggerating, live in a palace or are filthy. I doubt 4 days of hosting when you have no other commitments was such a strain.
You don't come across well in your post and I think people usually come off better than they would in real life as they're only giving their version of events.

Thank you. I tried to be objective with my story in order to get the most helpful feedback. If I'd written subjectively, everyone would have been on my side. I want genuine feedback, not an outpouring of sympathy based on a distorted story. Thank you again for taking the time to comment🙏

OP posts:
JLou08 · 10/08/2025 19:44

You sound really critical. I do think there needs to be some extra sensitivity when discussing someone's family, especially their mother, with them. Accusing someone of child neglect is a huge insult too.
If my DH was bitching about my family just because they got up at 6am I wouldn't be happy. I'd probably be rethinking having children with them.
You sound really dramatic too, 2 days straight cleaning? When you don't have children? You're either massively exaggerating, live in a palace or are filthy. I doubt 4 days of hosting when you have no other commitments was such a strain.
You don't come across well in your post and I think people usually come off better than they would in real life as they're only giving their version of events.

nellietheellie75 · 10/08/2025 19:42

You were critical of his family. I can understand why he is so annoyed. I would be if I were him.

theresnolimits · 10/08/2025 19:35

It’s his mum and his sister. He loves them and doesn’t see much of them. You’ve cast a shadow on the visit with your snide comments and he is defending them ( you seem to admit they didn’t set out to be difficult or upset you).

When you have children, I expect you will be delighted if they defend you in the same way.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:35

YetanotherNC25 · 10/08/2025 17:45

It sounds as if you’re feeling unappreciated for the effort you put in to hosting his family. Has he even said thank you?
If you were exhausted from doing everything (perhaps as DH sounds like he was doing very little) then it’s no wonder that you wanted to vent. If the relationship is solid then that would usually be ok, but it sounds like it’s not. Certainly not equitable.
Are you sure you want to have kids with this man? He’s awful to you and you’re apologising to him?

He said 'thank you' with words (after I complained that he didn't), but with an apprehensive tone, clearly because I negated every good effort by 'ruining' everything in his view. I do not feel genuine appreciation coming from him, only sulking.

OP posts:
Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 10/08/2025 19:27

HappyGreenCat · 10/08/2025 19:08

Look CLOSER. Read between the lines here. He was happy for her to do ALL the work but went berserk because he couldn't cope with hearing anything about his family that felt like criticism. Then accused her of ruining everything. Classic tantrum from an obvious man-child.

OP literally said they worked equally hard for the visit

SheridansPortSalut · 10/08/2025 19:25

You're being two faced - you're being the best host ever to their faces while shit talking them behind their backs. There's more authentic a middle ground to be had.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/08/2025 19:22

You do sound judgemental @Greenrun

10 year old girls don't need to be spoken to all day long. Your comment about your husband's sister was ridiculous.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/08/2025 19:21

Family visits from out of country and you can't keep your mouth shut for 4 days? 🙄

EvieKneadsHelp · 10/08/2025 19:21

I’d also be upset with you

JaffacakeCookie · 10/08/2025 19:18

Yes, let's look closer at OPs behaviour.

But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them.
I got very upset
I got really angry
I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter

Imagine being so spiteful and two faced about your in-laws you only see twice a year, outloud to your husband, whilst his family are still in the house. So what she ordered a cake and sent a text message. They both equally prepped the house. There was no need for this at all.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:17

HappyGreenCat · 10/08/2025 18:58

EXACTLY. He doesn't seem to appreciate all you did to welcome them and make them comfortable. (It sounds like you went above and beyond with the birthday arrangements etc. Your MIL seems to be appreciative. How is your relationship with your SIL?)
Worse, when you gently voiced your valid concerns during their stay, he dismissed you altogether. In fact, his response sounds downright abusive. I'm sure you were both exhausted but I notice YOU didn't get angry and sulky, only HIM. There's no excuse for him to behave like this to you!
Please think about the bigger picture going forward. Do you really want to have kids with someone who clearly cannot except ANY criticism of his family, particularly when warranted. Remember, it's YOUR home too. Please don't let him diminish you any further... Look after yourself x

Thank you. I have no problem with SIL, I honestly feel she's neglecting that child and I have seen this process for the past 7 years, it wasn't a rush judgment, but it was the first time I saw it over a 4 day period and first time I mentioned it to my husband. I have nothing against SIL, apart from hardly talking to that little girl. (I know it's not my business, but my husband's blindness to it makes me concerned) X

OP posts:
CleaningAngel · 10/08/2025 19:11

Maddy70 · 10/08/2025 17:19

You are unbelievably rude about his family, I wouldn't be happy with your comments either! I can't see they did anything wrong ? You on the other hand were judging them and criticising.

Sorry but who bosots someone and starts re arranging their furniture!!?? I'd of been bloody rude too and said wtf are you doing. I think op has done nothing wrong

HappyGreenCat · 10/08/2025 19:08

Look CLOSER. Read between the lines here. He was happy for her to do ALL the work but went berserk because he couldn't cope with hearing anything about his family that felt like criticism. Then accused her of ruining everything. Classic tantrum from an obvious man-child.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:07

NewHere83 · 10/08/2025 19:00

You seem to be seeing MIL's effusive text after leaving as proof you're a great DIL - it's actually proof she's a great MIL. I suspect DH is hurt that she's so generous to you and you've been so ungenerous about her.

And the comment on SIL's parenting was absolutely unnecessary. How on earth does wanting to have kids yourself one day justify you criticising someone else's parenting??

I agree MIL is lovely and always has been.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/08/2025 19:05

I think you completely overextended yourself so much that you didn't sleep, and were grouchy about their pretty normal behaviour.
I think you all sound OTT tbh.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 19:04

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 10/08/2025 18:53

It sounds like a cultural thing. You say you don’t speak the sane language Is he from a culture where extended family often lives together or are all very close? Where no one can criticise the older generations

It's not a culture where generations usually live together. To the extent that the challenges are cultural, I would have expected him to be the 'bridge' and smooth over differences, yet he made me feel like his family could do no wrong, but I was in the wrong all the time. That didn't change with MIL's grateful message after the visit.

OP posts: