Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

I mean ultimately, he couldn't accept your apology and then proceeded to attack you.
That's not a partner, it's an enemy.

A good partner knows when they've made a mistake to apologise. You did that. A good partner doesn't use a partners apology as an excuse to kick them square in their vulnerability. He did.

Not only was he not the bigger person. He attacked you when you humbled yourself. That's poor character and not a partner.

I appreciate you hosted and all the effort but that doesn’t mean you can openly criticise and expect him not to be upset.

i don’t think talking in the kitchen is rude, to say his sister was neglectful is pretty bold. You don’t have to say everything you think - what benefit is that to your husband? what’s he going to do with that info apart from be upset?

you will have to grin and bare them like most of us do with in-laws, it’s only for a few days a year surely you can manage that?

its fine to be tired and abit irritable but you need to handle it better and more tactfully next time. Rant to your friends/own family about your frustrations - unless of course they are awfully behaved when I’d understand speaking to your husband about it. Get a cleaner in before they come next time, might feel less exhausting.

Purposefully manipulating your partner into questioning their sense of reality and sanity is.

Saying she "ruined everything" is exactly that. She didn't ruin everything or the MIL would have complained there and then. She didn't. She sent a glowing thank you.

Everything? What does that even mean? I think the OP is questioning her sense of reality because he's constantly saying that.

OP made two mistakes, mentioned that the guests were noisy very early in the morning and her comment about SIL not saying much to her DD ( which tbf she could have left out) but its not a colossal crime. It was an observation.

I would be so so upset if someone called my mother rude and my sister neglectful.
I think you crossed a boundary, you don’t talk about people’s family like that when they didn’t purposely go out to upset you.
Calling them rude is really horrible.

It was thoughtless of your guests to wake you up at 6 am, but there was no need to tell DH they were rude. You could have asked DH to mention to his mum that you got woken up, and to ask them to close the kitchen door and speak quietly until 7 or 8 or whenever you wake up normally. Also you could have used earplugs after the first occasion. I can see DH would be upset about you calling them rude and criticising his sister's parenting - after all, there is nothing he or you can do about that.
Maybe neither of you find hosting family very relaxing. It's a shame you have fallen out over this.

Hosting is bloody exhausting.

been there done that for the T shirt.

however people do generally feel loyalty to their birth family and criticisms of parents in law really don’t tend to go down well, especially if both of you are tired from hosting.

i know I was pretty sensitive about my then H criticising my parents, and he was about his. Once we got a few years into the relationship and we both agreed his dad was a bit tricky and my mum really did drink too much wine then it was ok,

calling his SIL neglectful is really nuclear grade criticism though. That’s pretty much guaranteed to piss someone off. Especially as it seems they don’t live in the same country as you or speak the same language as you. Even if she was what do you want your partner to do about it?

I thought that.

They were not with you for very long, op, hardly worth making such a fuss.

I get where you are coming from. My ex's parents are from abroad and when they used to visit they'd get up at 5.30am every day and clatter around downstairs like a couple of elephants then go back to bed after lunch for a nap.

I am very much not a morning person and it used to drive me up the wall. After a few days of that I was fit to be tied and my ex knew all about it.

They were otherwise lovely people but they had a routine that couldn't be changed and that was it.

I'm a bit confused what his family did "wrong" - is it just get up too early and go to bed too early for your liking? If that's all I'm inclined to think for just a few days you could have just kept your thoughts to yourself.

How was your husband with his neice? That might indicate what sort of parent he may be, rather than if he's prepared to be critical of his sister. Did her lack of active parenting have a knock on effect on you, eg. Was she looking to you to entertain her?

Does your husband pull his weight when your family visit, prepping and cleaning and so on? If so I'm not sure why he needs to be so appreciative of your efforts if it's just the norm that you both crack with the jobs when hosting.

Did he make an effort with his family once they were there or was all the hosting left to you?

You sound opinionated and making big deals out of minor situations. It sounds like you were pushing your husband to join you in bitching about his family and got annoyed when he didn't. It probably doesn't bode well if this was his family's first visit and you told him you thought they were rude, inconsiderate and his sister was neglectful! My family are not perfect but I would defend them anyday over someone who hardly knows them judging

I think a really sincere apology to your DH will do the trick. Worse things happen at sea

I think getting annoyed at his parents making noise at 6am is no big deal and completely understandable. You were a bit annoyed at being woken up.

The sister thing does sound judgey.

But I think where you are going wrong is everything you say sounds like a bit of a character assassination. For example instead of saying they are rude and inconsiderate, you could have instead said I'm sure they didn't mean to wake me up but it's a bit annoying because I'm tired. Instead of calling the sister neglectful you could have said that there is a lot going on and maybe as a family you could work to ensure the daughter is included in things.

I think it's the focus and way you are saying it.

But you have my sympathy. I know what it's like when you pour your heart into something and then feel like you have cancelled out all the good in one or two quick reactions to tiredness and annoyance

Christ! I do. And he joins in.

Yeah this. You sound two faced.

You were mean and judgey and two faced about his family who he loves and doesn’t see very often. You MIL sends you lovely messages and thinks you are great but doesn’t know you have been complaining about them behind her back. I can see why he is upset.

I think you are martiring yourself to have something to complain about. Why you clean ed the house for 2 days, how much dirt there was? You turned something that could have been nice into something very stressfull for yourself. That one is on you. Then you judge his sister and badmouth his mother. I would be upset as well, I can criticise my parents but if someone else does it I get unreasonable angry because, you know, they are mine and it hurts. Is nice you tried your best with your hosting, but your ruined it with the complaining and badlouthing. A relaxed rested host and an easygoing atmosphere would have been better in my opinion. Between me and my friends we stick it out and when they go we have a bit of a rant on the phone about in-laws, dh family and anything that anoys us. No one is hurt in the process and the emotions subside by the time they came back again we will all forget about it.

Isn't MN the home of complaining about MILs?

You'd be wrong to say it's gaslighting.

Gaslighting is an actual abusive tactic, different feelings and vague descriptions are not gaslighting.

Purposefully manipulating your partner into questioning their sense of reality and sanity is.
People need to stop throwing the word around like it means nothing.

Look I get where you are coming from because my DH’s family drive me nuts but live far away. You just have to grit your teeth and bare it. People are very protective of their mothers, in particular. I know my DH wouldn’t hear a bad word said about his beloved mum.

Just say sorry, you are tired, it can be hard having people staying with you. And try and move on with it. You’re never going to persuade someone that their family is annoying/neglectful.

Where does it say that? I must have missed as people keep saying it but she literally said at another point they both prepared equally.

He keeps saying she "ruined everything."

She worked really hard to prepare for their visit and cater for them. The MIL wrote her a nice thank you letter - so she didn't ruin everything for the guests.

OK she had a moan about them making noise early in the morning.. and made a comment about her SIL only speaking to the DD twice in one day

Its not ruining everything.. his complaint far exceeds the things she said. And if he's going to make sweeping judgements like that then he ought to spell out exactly what he means by "Everything". That's a pretty broad description and I'd say its gaslighting.

It sounds like OP tried hard, but found it difficult. She made two comments privately to her husband in a longer discussion and now is being told she's not allowed in her own home if they ever visit again..

Where did you get that information from? OP said they did it together.

OP why did you have three sleepless nights prior to their visit?

They visited for four nights, they don’t ‘live’ there. Rules about getting up when you have guests for a short time? You sound dramatic yourself.