Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

Op will be on here in a few years upset that her dh doesn’t speak to their child and she’ll get slated for having a child with a man like that and why didn’t she see any signs, she’s noticed signs and getting called judgmental

Where did you read that the husband did nothing to help?? She literally said "WE cleaned the house for 2 days straight".
And if anyone should be considering not having children with someone, it should be him imo, not her.

Guests are always a nuisance in one way or another. Even if I really like them and am happy to see them, I complain about them when they're out of earshot. DH finds them just as annoying as me. Your husband sounds touchy.

Seriously?! You wouldn't bother making an extra special effort for your partner's visiting family?? Especially as they live abroad so it's a seldom occurance? You sound delightful!

But also, the OP made an awful, vocal judgement about the husband's sister based on a short snapshot of time. A few days. Who knows what was going on? Maybe the daughter was being a bit of a moany tween and her mam knew it was best to give her a bit of space for awhile. Who knows? The OP shouldn't have made out that she was a dreadful, neglectful mother (or whatever words she used). How judgemental.

This.

As they live abroad, he must rarely see them and presumably was really looking forward to their visit. You completely ruined the visit for him. So what if they moved the furniture around a bit or were up early? Would it have killed you to hold your tongue in front of your husband and give out about it to your friend some other time?

And of course you were tired after getting the house ready for their arrival. It's normal behavior for anyone expecting guests to spend time tidying and cleaning beforehand. But that's no excuse for being mean about them to your husband.
You sound like a selfish, make it all about you type of person. They were only there for 4 nights. You said they weren't being intentionally loud or anything so a kindhearted partner would have let it go and allowed their partner to enjoy the company of his family without bitching about them non stop.

Firstly, why didn’t you sleep for three nights?

Secondly, your guests were rude making noise at 6am.

Thirdly, you shouldn’t have mentioned your SIL neglecting her child. If her child was clothed, clean, fed and occupied it wasn’t neglect. Emotional neglect - possibly - but you shouldn’t have used the word neglect.

My SIL is a piece of work and also an extreme type A personality. I once made a comment about how her house was spotless and my partner blew up at me saying I was insulting her. He had such contempt for me and said some awful things.

Now my SIL has done something shockingly selfish and impacting the lives of the people around her and there is no way to defend her. But I still won’t say that she is cruel or narcissistic. You don’t say the words that you are thinking in your mind.

Loving your family members, enjoying their company and wanting their stay to be special do not equate to being unable to separate into an independent adult. That is a bonkers interpretation. I say this as someone who is estranged from my family - all I'm seeing here is a healthy family relationship and a man who isn't willing to kick his mum and sister to the kerb.

Do you really think you can get away with offensive, critical "observations" about your spouse's loved ones without any pushback? DP is free to express rude sentiments about my loved ones in our house, but if he did I would also be free to express that he's being a twat, and not to talk shit about people I like. Luckily, he doesn't do that.

Well I think it's incredibly difficult to criticise someone else's family, including your spouse's. Apologies mean nothing really, as the comments made indicate your true thoughts and feelings- you can't apologise them away.

On the other hand, your husband sounds unnecessarily defensive and over the top in saying that everything is "ruined". Nothing had been ruined, unless it's your relationship, since his family seem to have had a good visit.

Didn't you interact with the child yourself?

I think you’ve got a lot to learn

Clearly he is missing is family and doesn't like you complaining about them. Some people can handle that and some can't. Does he remark on your family? Do you take it well if he calls your parents rude?

That said, you need to remind him that you worked incredibly hard to accommodate them on the visit and a few little remarks doesn't change that.

I think it's a great idea that they visit while you're away next time - he can see for himself how hard it is when he's scrubbing and cooking etc.

His family came to stay. You were critical of them behind their back. And we’re clearly expecting him to be grateful to you for hosting them. If I were him, I’d be mad at you for playing the hurt wife. He is the one who should be hurt about the things you said referring to people he loves.

his mother has been kind, gracious and appreciative of the enjoyable stay they had with you. Can’t you see how he must be biting his tongue from telling her how you thought her rude and her daughter a bad parent?

Don't make such a big effort for them the next time. Let them see you how you are normally. It's all too much, I just wouldn't do it anymore.

Criticising your spouse's family behind their backs and to your spouse - especially when they are guests in your house - never ends well. You may think you are justified, though in this case it sounds as if your guests were appreciative - but all your spouse sees and hears is you being nice to their faces and bitching behind their backs. Not a good look. I try not to do criticise DH's relatives even when there is provocation. I find it helps to keep in mind various religious and spiritual rules I've heard of, regarding guests in the house: you honour them even if they are annoying, as how you treat the guests (overtly or covertly) reflects on you as a person. Having said that I don't have a problem asking guests in advance not to do certain things while I am sleeping, eg please don't flush the loo unless its absolutely necessary as the plumbing is very noisy and it will wake everyone.

That's how it works sadly if a man or woman cannot seperate into being an independent adult and is still emotionally dependent on their mother or father. To be obeyed with no criticism. The nerve is very raw in these cases and they are too frightened to set boundaries on someone whose home they have left.

The MIL was a guest in another person's home. It's a different family now. Problems happen and observations are made. That is, unless an agreement was made to discuss later or ignore (which some couples do).

They don't need to be rivals at all. It's DH who is at fault here. It's unreasonable to expect no personal private observations if in their normal lives they talk freely.

I think this is on you. They were guests in your home and as far as I can make out didn’t do anything wrong. What do you mean by moving the furniture around? Do you mean they changed things around like the tables and chairs? I can’t see the big deal with that! Maybe they were just trying to be comfortable. And you should never have picked apart his sister’s parenting! That’s not on. You just met them, you don’t know the family dynamic.

So not similar issues at all. Because OP's in-laws didn't behave like yours in any way. In fact they were really grateful and MIL sent her a lovely appreciative message at the end.

Has OP said what furniture (in the kitchen)?

Was it moving a chair out from the table, I know mine can be a bit loud on our flooring. Or were they moving dressers, cupboards etc?

Did everyone miss the bit where the in laws were moving around OP’s furniture? Honestly I can’t believe what I’m reading! Your husband sounds like a lazy mummy’s boy op. They’re guests, sure, but that doesn’t mean common manners go out of the window! I’m honestly baffled by some of the ‘handmaiden’ style comments you’ve received!

I think in a marriage you should be confident enough to make statements about eachother's families without feeling attacked personally. I'll be the first to say what a pain in the proverbial my mom is or how needy my sister is even though I love them dearly. And my husband is the same with his family. Not liking certain traits of eachothers family is not uncommon.
That being said, I come from a different culture and when I have family guests my house is theirs and im not bothered about what goes on as long as I know they're happy. After they leave , we have a good crunch and a moan about what went well and what we disliked but in the end its our family and we love them good, bad and ugly.
Since you barely know your in laws I think you were in a bit of a rush to pass judgement on his family towards your husband, especially if you used words like neglectful, inconsiderate, etc. But I guess being both tired and moody you both approached the situation the wrong way.
And about the SIL and daughter, have you met them before? Have you seen them interact in different situations, places? Or was your opinion formed based on these 4 days spent together?
I think you both need to relax a bit and show your in-laws the real you in real life not a made up forced 4 days of pretend perfect life.
How else would you learn about them and them about you?
You're all family now and if you can't be yourself with your family and who would you be yourself with?

I have similar issues. His family treat us like dirt in general, are not interested unless it suits, then turn up with gifts for my son to look good and buy his affection then make a big deal of “love you lots”. I’ve seen more love shown from a cardboard box. They have criticised the way I store my food so I will no longer cook for them and tried to use us like a hotel so I will no longer let them stay. I don't tend to be able to hide my feelings very well however my husband will never ever stick up for us, it’s always my fault or I’ve over reacted. For some reason he seems scared of them. No idea why, she left him and disappeared when he was 6. I now go out when they visit. It sounds like you did the right things. You should be able to talk to each other without him being offended, even if it’s just to help you next time. Not sure of a suggestion for you but you are not alone.

This kind of territorialism, and the assumption that a man's mother and wife are natural rivals (?!?!) and there is only room for one of them at the top of the tree, and thus every sodding thing is seen as a power play, is batshit and toxic.

People have the "right" to slag off whoever they want wherever they want (what difference does it make that it's in her own home) but other people also have the right to take offence if they feel their loves ones have been disrespected.

And partners shouldn't be unquestioningly loyal to their spouses if their spouses are behaving unreasonably.

The fact you refer to them as guests in the context of saying you whispered to avoid waking them but shame the GUESTS didn’t… yes, you’re a wrongun.

Your disdain for the guests is obvious.